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How to bond/connect with BM

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I have a ss who is 4 years old and lives with BM, her hubby and their 3 kids. DH and I see him every other weekend. We've been married for a few months now and normally don't have issues with BM (hardly in contact with her except when picking up or dropping ss) but since we got married and have our own place she seems to be getting abit difficult like not wanting to talk to me or not responding to our requests to fetch him. This past weekend she refused Mil fetching him because she knows we'll also see him somehow (very supportive Mil). We think she is influencing ss as well, because he started behaving mean towards me, which he normally wouldn't be, although that was changed with his last visit 2 weeks ago thanks to DH and Mil's positive influence and we had a great time together as usual. My question is how to connect with BM in a non-forceful manner and make her realise I'm/we're not a threat to her place as BM, and create a friendly relationship for the children's well-being and our sanity (I'm expecting our first child together so ss will have another brother or sister in the near future but BM doesn't know it yet). I've tried casual texting cos we had that type of relationship once before, but this time she doesn't seem to trust it, as though there's an ulterior motive. Any tips or am I expecting thee impossible?
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 5:15 AM
Replies (31-40):
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 2:24 PM
1 mom liked this

Quoting TinaH13:

Ok, I get that some people don't want to bother with the BM/SM whatever the case may be regardless of how the Skids are affected and that's okay I guess.
Regardless of how the Sks are affected?  Parents can determine what is best for their own kids no matter what the SP thinks is best for the parent's kids.  I lived it, I know what mattered to my kids was that mom and dad had trouble getting along.  His wife?  Didn't really matter that we didn't get along - true, they didn't like that she talked bad about me, but even if she hadn't it wouldn't have mattered that we didn't get along.  There were no tears or bad attitudes over me not talking to that woman.  There were none over my ex not talking to my husband either.  Almost 10 years later and the kids still aren't suffering due to their parents spouses not wanting anything to with their OP.

To each his own. To sum up in our case we were actually communicating (relating to SS and other topics) until this past month so slightly different scenario than the norm. Legal action I was referring to DH not being able to see SS. SM's response to MIL was directly linked to us according to what she told MIL.
As long as he is getting his scheduled visitation no legal action needs to be taken.  So what if mom doesn't give extra time to MIL so she can hand the kid over to you?  She isn't part of the CO. She has no time via the CO.  If MIL wants time with the kid to spend with the kid, fine.  Time with grandparents is important, but if all she is going to do is try to be sneaky I see no reason for mom to go along with that.  MIL isn't being honest.
The point was just to try and hear of options/ideas to resolve things before taking it further. And there's still hope of it changing I believe cos before this we got along quite fine, she isn't a bad person it might just be a big adjustment

Nothing needs to be taken further.  Mom doesn't have to keep talking to you.  She can change her mind on that. She can do that.  She doesn't have to keep dealing with you about her kid.  

by Platinum Member on Sep. 7, 2013 at 4:16 PM
1 mom liked this
Exactly. She didn't have a kid with you. She doesn't want to communicate about the kid you.

Quoting amantonacci:

If your dh wouldn't contact her to even be able to see his son there's your problem right there. She doesn't want to communicate with you she wants your husband to man up on his own or to not be involved at all is my guess.

Quoting TinaH13:

Lol seems that might be best, thanks. Just wish there was a better way cos I don't want the kids to be affected negatively anymore. And DH is a special kind of stubborn when BM starts this type of thing then I'm the one who keeps it together mostly or he wouldn't contact her at all even if it means not seeing ss

by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 4:52 PM
That's both true to a certain CO though, they were never married and sounds simple enough if u think inside the box. Thanks for all the opinions tho!
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 4:55 PM
I'm also a SD. Everyone has different experiences
by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 7:54 PM
I never really understood the need to "bond" or "connect" with BMs? I guess she just,doesn't like you and if she don't who cares she doesn't have too and you don't have to like her. You just have to be civil and to me that's more than enough. I guess i'm a little luckier that BM isn't a pain in my ass. I can even walk in and have a few glasses of wine and shoot the,breeze but it's not a "bond".
She was a pain at first when we states dating but when we got married she,backed off and respected boundaries thanks to my husband mostly.
She may just want to keep contact and communication with DH and that's fine let it be that. I would not let it bother me.
by Le Bonjour Chat on Sep. 7, 2013 at 8:02 PM

I'd just stay out of BM's way.

by on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:29 PM

I think it is funny how so many BM/BD have such double standards.  BM can be married and have other kids with her new hubby but god forbid her ex get married and have another kid.  And I speak from experience my exh is like this it is ok for him to have a GF and for our kids to be around his GF but god forbid our kids that I have a BF.  Sorry I am sorry about my rant but it sounds like you a good relationship with BM but then you got married and all went to hell.  I am sorry but I don't know if you will ever have the relationship that you want with BM. 

by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 12:24 AM

You don't want to put yourself in the position trying to form a relationship with BM. No matter what the reasons that caused her to change toward you, you just need to accept it. The more you chase and force the relationship, the more the BM will resist. I agree with another poster who sugested that 'just be nice to the step kid, be cordial but distance when  you are in the proximity of the BM. Don't try to strike a conversation with BM either. Let her do thing in her own pace ". 

by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 6:44 AM
1 mom liked this

I feel in a way you may be reading too much into it, but I am sure there is truth to it also. She may know about the little one on the way or there maybe things going on with her right now that you may be taking personally. If she don't want to talk to you she really dont have to. Alot of mothers will tell you to stay out of it, I feel when the SM and BM are on good terms everything falls into place with the kiddos. I know it makes a world of difference with my SK's. They feel more relaxed and dont have to be on edge one what to say or what not to say. It just flows. SO I feel your pain. But it wont always go the way we want, for reasons the BM may want to deal with DH and thats her right. If she does then you just need to be on same page with DH and making decisions together if thats how your household lies, some will say its not your place. In my household decisions are made together, WHY, cause two heads think better than one. I may see things he dont and vice versa.

by on Sep. 8, 2013 at 7:07 AM

If she wants distance, I would respect it.  If she is interested in sitting down for a cup of coffee in a neutral place, that could work.

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