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When one parent says no....

Posted by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:18 AM
  • 57 Replies

Just for discussion...

Let's use the most common custodial scenario for this one. BM is custodial.  BF is EOWE.  BF wants to allow his child to do X.  X is something that is not illegal, not unsafe...something like say, watching a certain movie.  BM has said no to that.  

Generally speaking, I'm of the opinion that the more conservative parent "wins".  However, I think that carries more weight when said parent can back up their choice with some logical, rational reasons.  Simply saying no for the sake of control or "just because" is more likely to be disregarded.

Recently, there was a post where BM was ticked that BF allowed a 13 YO to watch the movie Dirty Dancing. BM was opposed due to content.  While it's rated PG 13 and many other parents have let kids much younger than 13 watch the movie with no ill effects, BM in this supposed situation was vehemently against it.

If you were BM or BF in such a situation, what would you do and what would you expect the outcome to be?

In our situation, BM and BF(DH) generally coparent and if one person says no, there's almost always logic associated with it that is communicated/discussed.  Very rarely does one parent go against the other.  If anything, it's more common that during the course of discussion, someone changes their mind once they hear the reasons behind something.

What say you?

by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ramita
by Silver Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:23 AM
I think it would depend. If the BM had just said no R rated movies, and then flipped when she found out the child had watch dirty dancing (a PG-13 movie from what you said) then I'd probably laugh it off and keep going, but if BM had asked nothing that shows things like x, y, z then I'd probably ask why. If she can give logical reasons then I'd probably stick to her 'rules'. For me and my DH how you handle the conversation will play a big role on how seriously you are taken.
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:26 AM

I have yet to allow DDs to watch Pretty Woman.  I don't care if it was rated G.

BF can just be lazy and selfish (And PS, I was right about his mood regarding the school supply incident.  DD19 said he was edgy and anxious all weekend) and lets them watch stupid shit.  I talk to DDs about it and then I remind BF of how we had decided to raise our daughters.  Then he realizes he fucked up and things are OK for awhile.

These are all moot points - DDs are almost 17 and 19 - they can watch what they want...

LoveMy2x4
by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:30 AM

I watched the whole Twilight series with my DD. I closed her eyes and muted certain parts. I watched the first one with DD8 and SD8. SO was ok with this. SD came back a few days later and told me her mom didnt want her to watch any of the Twilight movies. Guess when DD and I finished watching the movies? When SD wasnt there! I never even discussed it with SO. Her mom didnt want her to watch it and I respected that. 

SnapIt
by Bronze Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:31 AM
5 moms liked this
From a divorced moms side of it
Just because one parent is the custodial parent does not mean they get to place rules in the other parents home all the time or most of the time.
A movie being watched in one parents home, cannot be controlled by the other parent.
**If the rating is age appropriate legally, that parent is doing nothing wrong.

Something like this is about control.
Just because one parent thinks its wrong, doesnt mean the other parent has to agree with them by force.
One parents personal taste is not the other parents.

If BPs would stop trying to control what goes on in the EXs home, things would run a lot smoother.
The issue is about controlling, not the ratings or the movie or what food they eat or time the kid/s go to bed. Etc...
Two households, two parents, two sets of rules.
Say yes and bend for that parent once, they will never learn that their way isnt always right.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:33 AM
1 mom liked this



Quoting pdxmum:

I have yet to allow DDs to watch Pretty Woman.  I don't care if it was rated G.

BF can just be lazy and selfish (And PS, I was right about his mood regarding the school supply incident.  DD19 said he was edgy and anxious all weekend) and lets them watch stupid shit.  I talk to DDs about it and then I remind BF of how we had decided to raise our daughters.  Then he realizes he fucked up and things are OK for awhile.

These are all moot points - DDs are almost 17 and 19 - they can watch what they want...

Glad you figured out the deal from yesterday.  

The movie thing is kind of near and dear to me because as a kid, I was not allowed to watch certain things.  My parents made it VERY clear to me.  I recall one slumber party where my friend's mom was going to "sneak us" in to a rated R movie (which I wasn't allowed to watch, I was 12) and leave us there.  I called my mom from the theatre and had her come get me.  I knew I wasn't allowed to watch them and it didn't matter that there was one adult saying I could and that it was no big deal and she wouldn't tell my folks (I told her I wasn't allowed).  The bottom line was that it was a rule and I respected that.

Similarly, I would respect that rule for my skids if I was aware.


sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:36 AM
2 moms liked this

Not the hill I want to die on.

With that said, BM and DH have joint custody.   What we do at our house is our business, what she does at her house is hers.  DH would be more than happy to work with her if she were of the mind to compromise.  But she's not, it's either her way or the highway.

DDDaysh
by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:44 AM

 Hmmm...  I think this depends on alot of things.  For more minor things, I think "my house, my rules" wins.  Examples here include things like movies, video games, food, curfews, activities with friends, and most other basic day to day activities.  If they parents don't agree, then there are simply different rules for different houses. 

On some other things, I think the custodial household should decide.  This mostly has to do with things that require daily maintenance.  Haircuts for younger children is the biggest one in this category.  I just think that the parent that has to deal with the hair most of the time ought to get to decide on the parameters of the style.  I suppose other things here would be things like pets.  An NCP sending a pet "home" with a child would be totally uncool!  (As would giving a niece or nephew a new puppy for Christmas without asking Mom or Dad first!) 

The only time I really think that the "more conservative" viewpoint always wins has to do with things that are permanent (piercings or tatoos), beyond "normal" levels of risky, or travel to another country.  Obviously what falls into this category is going to be somewhat open to interpretation, especially what consitutes "risky".  However, that's the best way I can think of to describe it.  I guess I'm thinking of "risky" as things like sky diving, elective surgery, etc. 

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Personally this is not something that would come up. We don't really believe in censorship in our house our kids can for the most part watch what they want with the exception of a few things. The thing with that is my kids have taken that "power" and respected  it they rarely watch something inappropriate for them.

If the CP does have an issue with it I think they need to teach the kids what is and isn't appropriate and for the kid to learn rules are rules despite where you are. It would be nice if the stricter parent would "win" which is what I think is appropriate within reason, but I don't think it's a reality for most divorced people.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:55 AM
2 moms liked this

I think a judge would be pretty damn pissed off to see parents in court fighting over what movies their kid can watch.

I say when it comes to movies, that's covered under the day-to-day choices that whomever has physical custody of the child at the time gets to make. 

kzuehlk
by on Sep. 9, 2013 at 10:58 AM
1 mom liked this
I don't believe parents should be allowed to set rules in the other parent's home.
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