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DH wants me to "fake it" with SS!

Posted by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:24 PM
  • 49 Replies

My SS, age 25, and I have not had a good relationship for the past three years.  The problems started when with SS when he got engaged.   Issues SS had with DH from his childhood came out; words were said; SS decided the had to blame someone for all the problems of his childhood and teen years and in his words, "I couldn't blame dad so I chose you (me SM)" and thus the problems have gotten worse and worse.  He has found ways to hurt me and say cruel things over time to the point that my DH and I have sought marriage therapy to deal with this problem since my DH will not support me or stand up for me against his son no matter what his son does.  

So here is the clincher:   DH has slowly been rebuilding his relationship with SS (they have had lunch together recently and are going to a ballgame this month)   So,  yesterday, DH comes to me and says,  "Why can't you just fake it around SS?  Just pretend to like him and have a good time around him.   I want you to be as close to him as you are with SD (she and are good friends) one day.  You don't have to buy him gifts like you do her, but......"  

So, SMs, do you think I should just fake it?  SS has yet to make any amends with me, and I don't trust him to not hurt me again.   Is faking it a good idea?   My friends think DH is being selfish to expect me to make all the consessions while he makes none.   I am beaten down by this whole situation.

by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:30 PM
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I agree with your friends. Faking it would only come back to bite you later on.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:42 PM
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I would probably fake it. I fake it with lots of people. It's just easier for everyone. and it's really not that hard.

MojoRsn
by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:42 PM
1 mom liked this

He's 25. this is something your husbands has asked. I would do it. Tell him you will. But also tell him, one wrong move and don't EVER ask me to do it again. then you're off the "bad guy" hook!

MojoRsn
by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:42 PM
1 mom liked this

I really like your style!

Quoting whatIknownow:

I would probably fake it. I fake it with lots of people. It's just easier for everyone. and it's really not that hard.


PinkButterfly66
by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:47 PM
1 mom liked this

I would be cordial and open.  I wouldn't fake it.  That's asking too much.

MojoRsn
by on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:53 PM
2 moms liked this

Here is what your husband is really trying to tell you.

"I am really wanting to patch things up with my son. But, I know if you are indifferent to him, this may not go well for me. So could you please try to put on a happy face for the sake of me forging a relatioship with him even though I know you really don't want to?"

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Sep. 11, 2013 at 7:59 PM
1 mom liked this

What does your DH mean by his 'but...'?  What does he want you to fake where SS is concerned?  How does he envision this happening?  And, really, SS is 25... how much time are we talking here that  you'd have to fake anything, or cause problems (not that YOU are, but in SSs eyes I suppose)?  I guess I don't fully understand the issue.  Why does a 25 yo who doesn't live in your home with DH cause this much turmoil?  Or is he still living at home?  What does his son say to/about you that's so hurtful? 

What has SS25 said that's so awful?  Or please point me in the right direction for a previous post about this if there is one so you don't have to recap it all for just me.  :) 

Oh, and one other thing that stood out... it's not up to your DH how you 'feel' about anyone.  It's not his place to try to dictate that you should 'be as close to SS as you are to SD'.  That's rediculous.  Though, maybe you could tell him that you'll do just as he asks as soon as HE does as you've been asking.  Fair is fair, right?  :) 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Sep. 11, 2013 at 8:04 PM

Well, I'm kind of a fan of fake it til ya make it when it isn't that much of an imposition--like an afternoon with a relative you don't much like.  Or a colleague you'd rather shove face first into a poopy toilet than sit with at a lunch meeting. 

I don't think I could do it for an extended time when there was no escape--like if I had to actually LIVE with someone. But then again, I did have a college roommate I had little more than contempt for and that was in a 12 X 12 space for a year.  I don't think she ever really knew.  

Ah well.  I think that if it's really important to your DH and it's for short stints of time, then I'd do it if I were you.

EricaG87
by Bronze Member on Sep. 11, 2013 at 9:45 PM
1 mom liked this
I would be friendly, kind, and do what I can to facilitate a good relationship between everybody. But I wouldn't let him walk all over me either. If he's being extremely rude to me or saying mean things I would call him on him calmly and firmly and let him know that I don't let people treat me that way.
macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Sep. 11, 2013 at 10:09 PM

 I would do it to help my dh.

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