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advice

Posted by on Sep. 14, 2013 at 4:20 PM
  • 33 Replies
My fiance has primary custody and bio mom has visitation. I am a sahm to stepson. I am primary caregiver. I feed him, bathe him, put him to bed, teach him, etc. My mother has said that I should get a job because I am not stepson's real mom so its not my responsibility to take care of him. I set her straight about this. Maybe he did not come out of my body, but he is still my son. When she introduces my stepson she refers to him not as my son or stepson but "some kid I take care of". Rubs me and fiance wrong.

Once this baby is born, not biologically my fiance's, if she treats them different, she will not see either of them. Some people I have told this think that this is selfish of me to do that to my kids for
them to never see their grandmother.

So my question is, am I in the wrong?
by on Sep. 14, 2013 at 4:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
packermomof2
by on Sep. 14, 2013 at 4:31 PM
5 moms liked this

Yes.  You are.  Just  because you claim other people's children as your own even when they aren't doesn't mean everyone needs to get on your bandwagon.  You child will be her grandchild, biologically, and to some people that does matter.  

She could introduce him as your SK though.  

Does SK's mom go around introducing her kid as your kid or as her son?  

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Sep. 14, 2013 at 4:39 PM
I don't meant to sound mean but your pregnant right now,but it's not df's? That's fine and all bug once you are a actual bm,your feelings might change and you might treat your kid better then your SS. You never know.

Anyhow,your mom just doesn't want to see you hurt I bet. Your not married yet and she probably doesn't want to see you say your "mom" then SS leaves with bm or something.
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USBrit
by Silver Member on Sep. 14, 2013 at 4:53 PM

Yes, you are definitely wrong. Why would you punish your Mom with her own Grandchild, just because she doesn't choose to accept your fiance's child...(give her time). You chose your fiance and his child, she did not, and so should not be "forced" to be something she is not comfortable Will your child go to your fiance's parents when older? They may not want to have a relationship with him/her since it is not their son's child. Everyone is different and so for us to expect everyone to "act" the same is just not realistic, why not just embrace the differences.

Melina74
by Melina on Sep. 14, 2013 at 4:59 PM

I think you are in the wrong yes.  I think it's great that you love the kid and take care of him, but you aren't his mom.  Technically you aren't even his SM yet.  Your Mom I think is just looking out for you, and she is right, you should get a job, or at least leave the bulk of the raising of SS to his parents.  

I do have a few questions:

1. What's the custody situation like? Is BM around at all?

2. You say your are pregnant but it is not your fianc√©'s.  What's the deal there? Invitro maybe? 

My point is with asking that, is that it sounds as if you are doing all the heavy lifting for your fianc√©.  Do you think he will stick around to help you raise a child that isn't his when he, from the way you describe it, is letting you raise his son? 

keikoness
by on Sep. 14, 2013 at 5:04 PM
This pregnancy is from a rape. They will be brother and sister. And his half brother and sister will also be her siblings. I have been primary caregiver since he was 9 months old. He is now 19 months. My mother constantly says that I'm stupid for wanting them to be treated as equals. She has said that she won't be getting him christmas or birthday gifts because he's not mine. But she has already bought so much for emily. So when its time to go visit her for christmas emily will open her gifts and I will be left to explain to stepson why grandma doesn't get him anything for christmas. She is the only one in my family who treats him like a stepchild.Its not his fault he was thrown in this.

My grandpa heard my mother say that he is just some kid I take care of, he asked me what she meant. I told him well this is my fiance's son. He said so he's yours too. It doesn't matter whose blood he has, that is your child and my great grandson. Family isn't based on blood. Always remember that.

He then proceeded to cuss out my.mother.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 14, 2013 at 5:07 PM
1 mom liked this

Who can say. I am guessing you don't have a good relationship with your mother.

But as far as your boyfriend's son being "some kid you take care of," he kind of is that. You're not married, you babysit your boyfriend's child. I guess that is how your mother sees it.

keikoness
by on Sep. 14, 2013 at 5:10 PM
I'm just wondering how she will treat him after my fiance and I get married. How would she treat him if bio mom gave up rights and I adopted him. How will she treat him when my fiance and I have a child together.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Who can say. I am guessing you don't have a good relationship with your mother.

But as far as your boyfriend's son being "some kid you take care of," he kind of is that. You're not married, you babysit your boyfriend's child. I guess that is how your mother sees it.


keikoness
by on Sep. 14, 2013 at 5:12 PM
And yes we have a terrible relationship. When I left my abusive ex-husband she acted like the whole thing was my fault and that she knew the whole time. I asked why she never said anything. Her response: oh I really just didn't care.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Who can say. I am guessing you don't have a good relationship with your mother.

But as far as your boyfriend's son being "some kid you take care of," he kind of is that. You're not married, you babysit your boyfriend's child. I guess that is how your mother sees it.


jlg12678
by Gold Member on Sep. 14, 2013 at 5:14 PM
1 mom liked this


I'm going to be the odd man out here and say your mom sounds like a bitch. If my mom said half of what yours does I don't think I'd want her around my kids. 

Your ss/fiances kid/whatever isn't even two. I think it's rude regardless of if it is her right or not to exclude him from gifts. 

What is her real problem with the kid? She sounds hateful...and while I get that he's not yours he is just a baby. I don't get purposefully excluding a baby.


Quoting keikoness:

This pregnancy is from a rape. They will be brother and sister. And his half brother and sister will also be her siblings. I have been primary caregiver since he was 9 months old. He is now 19 months. My mother constantly says that I'm stupid for wanting them to be treated as equals. She has said that she won't be getting him christmas or birthday gifts because he's not mine. But she has already bought so much for emily. So when its time to go visit her for christmas emily will open her gifts and I will be left to explain to stepson why grandma doesn't get him anything for christmas. She is the only one in my family who treats him like a stepchild.Its not his fault he was thrown in this.

My grandpa heard my mother say that he is just some kid I take care of, he asked me what she meant. I told him well this is my fiance's son. He said so he's yours too. It doesn't matter whose blood he has, that is your child and my great grandson. Family isn't based on blood. Always remember that.

He then proceeded to cuss out my.mother.



KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Sep. 14, 2013 at 5:26 PM
2 moms liked this
It seems like you may have a history of unstable and/or bad relationships and your mom doesn't have a lot of faith in this one either. It's understandable that she may not want to jump in head first like it seems you have. Maybe give her more time. If this relationship is permanent, she may come around.
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