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Why does it have to hurt so bad?

Posted by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 3:51 AM
  • 14 Replies

Where do I start I have three stepchildren all girls.12,10 and8.i have two of my own boy 8 baby girl 13 months. Recently I underwent some drama stirred up by my 12-year-old stepdaughter who lived with us for two years. Told her mother bunch of stuff about me calling her names and threatening to hit her numerous times and neglect is just the stuff that I never did never said. It was devastating when it all come about I was so disappointed in myself twelve year old Stepdaughter. Her mother and I never really got along. But we try for the kids this time round has ruined whatever I tried communication with his ex. I still hurts over all that happens my son aside for the 12-year-old to help her through struggles in the end it was just drama and just bullshit. I know I'm not supposed to take it personally but it hurts my heart was crushed I give her a lot I give a lot of me. So In the end I am the stepmother I will never be like mom which I never wanted to be I just wanted respect I didn't want to be treated like this I wouldn't let my own blood treat me like this why would I let her. So I pulled away from her put up the brickwall with my heart and I treat her as II just stepped into her life.not looking to please the children anymore as far as giving all of me. I have two children of my own that I wont push aside.my stepchildren have their own mom. Even though their mom isn't good to them because she has issues with drugs and alcohol and multiple partners.but that is their mom.I know it sounds harsh but I can't go through this pain every time they don't get what they want from me. I do worry my love won't understand,and will think I'm pulling our family apart. if you have any suggestions please feel free to comment.positive goes further then negative.thanks

by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 3:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
TigaHotty85
by Member on Sep. 20, 2013 at 5:33 AM

I totally understand you 100%! I have the same problems. My SD is only 9 going on 10 and has treated me this way for almost 2 years now. Telling BM lies about me and all that, Nothing she said I did, I never did or would ever do. BM has always hated me, never had any good terms. BM told my SD a couple years ago that if bad stuff were happening in my home that she would be granted full custody and she would never have to see her BD or me again. We have rules, BM does not. SD gets into trouble here when she's naughty, at BM's she does not. So she has been lying to her mom about so many different things to try and not have to come here. I have been in this childs life for all of about 1 year of it and she was a baby when I did. I have always treated her like she were my own and had been told by so many others that knew BM that I was doing a better job of raising SD like a mom than her own BM was. BM turned SD agenced me because she hated the close relationship that me and my SD had. She ruined it for us. So I like you had to put up that brick wall on my heart and treat her like someone else's child that I were babysitting and nothing more. No more special treatment, nothing. I did, like you, everything for this child. I went beyond what most SM's would do. And I am now treated like shit by this child. So you are not the only one with the problem. I feel for you because I am going through the same thing.

I can only wish you the best of luck and try your best to mend what you had, like I do, and move on with your life. Not everything is about your SD. You have to think about the other kids as well and dont let her crap pull you down. It will get better and hopefully if it does not when she's a child... When she matures into an adult she will see everything and understand. Then you can get back what you once had. =)

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Sep. 20, 2013 at 10:35 AM
1 mom liked this

Does sd 12 still live with you? If so I suggest family counseling. You are doing exactly what I would do if that happpened to me. but as an outsider I know you should address how hurt you are with sd, how her words hurt you so much you don't want to be around her and don't trust her. Unfortunately 12 year olds lie and don't understand the damage words can do. This is how they learn. Try to remember that she was more than likely trying to get her bm's attention, and told her horrid lies to see of she would care if she was being abused. She probably didn't mean to hurt you but needs to understand this is not acceptable. What did dh say or do when this happened? He needs to speak to sd about lying and how she hurt you

amonkeymom
by Amy on Sep. 20, 2013 at 3:18 PM


Agree.. If she doesn't live with you anymore, then maybe just counseling for you will help you work through your feelings.

Quoting zannahdeux:

Does sd 12 still live with you? If so I suggest family counseling. You are doing exactly what I would do if that happpened to me. but as an outsider I know you should address how hurt you are with sd, how her words hurt you so much you don't want to be around her and don't trust her. Unfortunately 12 year olds lie and don't understand the damage words can do. This is how they learn. Try to remember that she was more than likely trying to get her bm's attention, and told her horrid lies to see of she would care if she was being abused. She probably didn't mean to hurt you but needs to understand this is not acceptable. What did dh say or do when this happened? He needs to speak to sd about lying and how she hurt you


jules2boys
by Gold Member on Sep. 20, 2013 at 4:08 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't totally understand you as I had trouble following what you were trying to say without punctuation and complete sentences.  If I misunderstood something you were saying, I apologize now.

I understand SD12 lied about you and now things are worse between you and her, between you and BM, and you've shut down.  I get that, but why are you punishing SD10 and SD8 for the behavior of SD12?  Did they all say something false about you or stand behind SD12's accusations?  I understand no one wants to be hurt, but, in any relationship we have we have the opportunity to be hurt, but we still seek out relationships with people.  Children don't often act out of maliciousness, fully understanding the reprocussions of their words and actions towards others.  This is learned, and by 12, she may have learned what words hurt, but not about the ramifications of those words. 

You, as the adult, need to figure out how to not let the words a child uses hurt you so much, so deeply.  Any parent needs to learn that.  Eventually your own DS8 or DD1 may say nasty things to you as well, some may be intentional, some may not be, but, children often eventually end up doing this. 

I do wonder, though, if SD12's lashing out at your is really about 'you' or if you were the easy target for her since she doesn't feel like she can lash out at the real target, perhaps her BM or her BF?  Maybe she's unhappy with something else in her life, and you were the 'safe' one  should could lash out at? Maybe you were just the first person she thought of to say something about?  Maybe she really does feel like you've threatened to hit her or called her names, even if you haven't? 

If she's still living in your home, even part time, I'd suggest counseling for her, and for you and BF as well.  If she's not, then at least for you, to figure out how to not let the words of a child hurt you so much.

Emsmum71
by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 7:30 PM
SMS that get angry when a sk does not want to be too close and then shun them are pathetic! They want to be the mum and expect the bum to be shut out!
looneytunes290
by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 7:41 PM
I'm sorry. It was my experience that my skids would behave that way when they did not get their way about ... Whatever. Sad that their mom and dad aren't correcting it- and your feelings are understandably hurt. If they are allowing this behavior now they are most likely not going to change much as the kids get older. Don't allow them to ruin your marriage. If your husband doesn't understand then go to marriage counseling. It helped me and dh a lot. The counselor explained to dh (in a language he could understand) that I did not have to take abuse from his children or his sm- and that it was his responsibility to decide what kind of relationship that he wanted with those people- but that it was up to me if no longer wanted a relationship with them, and under our circumstances he thought it was reasonable if I didn't. Now - my skids were grown- yours are not- he would prob have different advice for you. But you get the idea.
candeeapple2010
by Member on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:18 AM

Ty so much for your advice

candeeapple2010
by Member on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:35 AM


Quoting jules2boys:

I don't totally understand you as I had trouble following what you were trying to say without punctuation and complete sentences.  If I misunderstood something you were saying, I apologize now.

I understand SD12 lied about you and now things are worse between you and her, between you and BM, and you've shut down.  I get that, but why are you punishing SD10 and SD8 for the behavior of SD12?  Did they all say something false about you or stand behind SD12's accusations?  I understand no one wants to be hurt, but, in any relationship we have we have the opportunity to be hurt, but we still seek out relationships with people.  Children don't often act out of maliciousness, fully understanding the reprocussions of their words and actions towards others.  This is learned, and by 12, she may have learned what words hurt, but not about the ramifications of those words. 

You, as the adult, need to figure out how to not let the words a child uses hurt you so much, so deeply.  Any parent needs to learn that.  Eventually your own DS8 or DD1 may say nasty things to you as well, some may be intentional, some may not be, but, children often eventually end up doing this. 

I do wonder, though, if SD12's lashing out at your is really about 'you' or if you were the easy target for her since she doesn't feel like she can lash out at the real target, perhaps her BM or her BF?  Maybe she's unhappy with something else in her life, and you were the 'safe' one  should could lash out at? Maybe you were just the first person she thought of to say something about?  Maybe she really does feel like you've threatened to hit her or called her names, even if you haven't? 

If she's still living in your home, even part time, I'd suggest counseling for her, and for you and BF as well.  If she's not, then at least for you, to figure out how to not let the words of a child hurt you so much.

I thank you for your comment,and wow what a lot of questions.who knows with my sd12 as far as what's on her mind.She was only closest to me. What I have learned since she moved out is I am a lot more humble. The route I have chosen is to love them but they are my step children I won't put myself and my feelings out there like I use to. It's tuff to come up with that but that's what I have so far. What I thought was interesting though my sd12 told her bm I spend a lot of my time with the baby,it's even upset the bm.i laugh because that's how moms are to tend and be with there babies,we don't pawn our babes off to whomever,but she doesn't understand that,she did that to my sk when they were little....your comment on counseling my spouse says he doesn't feel sd12 needs counseling.as for myself I do and it's been almost three yrs. 

candeeapple2010
by Member on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:37 AM


Quoting Emsmum71:

SMS that get angry when a sk does not want to be too close and then shun them are pathetic! They want to be the mum and expect the bum to be shut out!

Trying to understand your comment.but can't.what are you trying to say?

candeeapple2010
by Member on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:46 AM


Quoting TigaHotty85:

I totally understand you 100%! I have the same problems. My SD is only 9 going on 10 and has treated me this way for almost 2 years now. Telling BM lies about me and all that, Nothing she said I did, I never did or would ever do. BM has always hated me, never had any good terms. BM told my SD a couple years ago that if bad stuff were happening in my home that she would be granted full custody and she would never have to see her BD or me again. We have rules, BM does not. SD gets into trouble here when she's naughty, at BM's she does not. So she has been lying to her mom about so many different things to try and not have to come here. I have been in this childs life for all of about 1 year of it and she was a baby when I did. I have always treated her like she were my own and had been told by so many others that knew BM that I was doing a better job of raising SD like a mom than her own BM was. BM turned SD agenced me because she hated the close relationship that me and my SD had. She ruined it for us. So I like you had to put up that brick wall on my heart and treat her like someone else's child that I were babysitting and nothing more. No more special treatment, nothing. I did, like you, everything for this child. I went beyond what most SM's would do. And I am now treated like shit by this child. So you are not the only one with the problem. I feel for you because I am going through the same thing.

I can only wish you the best of luck and try your best to mend what you had, like I do, and move on with your life. Not everything is about your SD. You have to think about the other kids as well and dont let her crap pull you down. It will get better and hopefully if it does not when she's a child... When she matures into an adult she will see everything and understand. Then you can get back what you once had. =)

I have lately been focusing on more my biological babes and the other two step daughters.but the wall is there.i wouldn't allow my son or daughter to ever treat me this way and I will be damned if a step kid does.ty for ur advice and ditto to you.good luck.

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