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need advice on meeting my stepson

Posted by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 9:55 PM
  • 57 Replies
So here is my situation in a nutshell:

my husband has a son from a woman that he was with before we got together. Basically she used him to have a baby with no intention of being with him, even went to the extent of poking holes in the condoms. After finding out she was pregnant she ditched him. i have read letters that she wrote to him while she was pregnant saying that the baby wasn't his, that she had been using other guys to have a baby too, and that even if it was his she didn't want him to be involved.
We have been married five and a half years and have three children together. About a year ago, when I was pregnantwith our last child, we got a letter saying she wanted child support and that he had to go take a paternity test. come to find out, my husband is the father.
The mother still insisted that she didn't want him involved in the child's life other than sending her money twice a month. That was fine. Seemed kind of unfair but what do I know.
Now my in-laws are bugging my husband saying that they want to meet the child. I am finding it really hard to deal with this.
How should my husband and I introduce ourselves? How do we deal with him meeting our kids? What about the grandparents? family functions? things like that...
Please don't blast me, I am stressed out as it is about all of this. Any advice is appreciated!
by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 9:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
krodden87
by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 9:56 PM
Sorry for such a lengthy post.
newstepmom61811
by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 10:17 PM
2 moms liked this

You are jumping the gun...

First, I hear and understand it is hard, your family world has been turned all around. But there are some things you're missing too...

Your husband is no victim...he impregnated her, and not with a gun to his head...she may indeed be no saint...realize, you have bought his side of the story...realize two parties WILLINGLY made this baby...

The ONLY innocent person in all this is the child...look hard in the mirror and decide not to place the sins of the parents on the child...don't resent the child because of dislike for the parent.

Take it slow with the child. Step one is him getting to know his dad he has never known...and he should...your husband is his father...then come the slow introductions of the members of dad's family.

I feel for you, I do...I married my husband full well knowing and walking into being a SM, I chose this life and wake up choosing it every day...for women like you it sneaks up...you get surprised with a role you more or less never chose...you find out after the fact...that's tough...but whatever you do, don't punishs the child. And I would recommend staying uninvolved with the mother. Just let your DH deal with her...focus on your family and home, that is where you will find your strength, happiness, and power...

krodden87
by on Sep. 20, 2013 at 10:44 PM
You may be right about jumping the gun on some things but I have heard her admit to these things herself. He didn't know she was trying to get pregnant, hence the poking holes in the condoms. It has been the mother who has kept them apart not me or my husband. I have no intention on taking anything out on the child. I know it's not his fault.
thank you for the quick reply :-)


Quoting newstepmom61811:

You are jumping the gun...

First, I hear and understand it is hard, your family world has been turned all around. But there are some things you're missing too...

Your husband is no victim...he impregnated her, and not with a gun to his head...she may indeed be no saint...realize, you have bought his side of the story...realize two parties WILLINGLY made this baby...

The ONLY innocent person in all this is the child...look hard in the mirror and decide not to place the sins of the parents on the child...don't resent the child because of dislike for the parent.

Take it slow with the child. Step one is him getting to know his dad he has never known...and he should...your husband is his father...then come the slow introductions of the members of dad's family.

I feel for you, I do...I married my husband full well knowing and walking into being a SM, I chose this life and wake up choosing it every day...for women like you it sneaks up...you get surprised with a role you more or less never chose...you find out after the fact...that's tough...but whatever you do, don't punishs the child. And I would recommend staying uninvolved with the mother. Just let your DH deal with her...focus on your family and home, that is where you will find your strength, happiness, and power...


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 21, 2013 at 7:19 AM

How old is this child now?

if your husband isn't interested in meeting his son, can't the grandparents just meet him themselves?

krodden87
by on Sep. 21, 2013 at 8:27 AM
He is five and a half. my husband does want to meet him.. it's just with his parents bugging him it has put extra stress and preassure on the whole thing.


Quoting whatIknownow:

How old is this child now?

if your husband isn't interested in meeting his son, can't the grandparents just meet him themselves?


MojoRsn
by on Sep. 21, 2013 at 8:30 AM

How exactly does he know she poked holes in the condom all those years ago?

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Sep. 21, 2013 at 8:31 AM
1 mom liked this

If he wanted to meet him why hasn't he yet?

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Sep. 21, 2013 at 8:40 AM
2 moms liked this

Any adult knows that sex leads to babies. Having sex with someone is consenting to having a baby with that person. So yes your husband was a willing participate.

With that said is there are custody order? That may be the first step. Then start with supervised visits only your husband and let them get to know each other. Then work to unsupervised visits and let them develop a relationship father/son. Then it will be time to slowly introduce the family. That should be awhile down the road though.

I have to question dad's commitment to having a relationship with this child though or he would have done this a long time ago.

macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Sep. 21, 2013 at 8:40 AM

 Sad that it took this long for your husband to man up, but I guess its good he is finally is.

Just take things slowly.  Meet him with bm present for his comfort.  Then maybe a trip to the park.  Don't jump right in to having him for overnights, etc...

krodden87
by on Sep. 21, 2013 at 9:01 AM
She admited it.


Quoting krodden87:

He is five and a half. my husband does want to meet him.. it's just with his parents bugging him it has put extra stress and preassure on the whole thing.




Quoting whatIknownow:

How old is this child now?

if your husband isn't interested in meeting his son, can't the grandparents just meet him themselves?



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