Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Needing some advice on SD!

Posted by on Sep. 22, 2013 at 8:54 AM
  • 33 Replies

Here is a little background.. My husband and I have been together for three years, last June we moved to be closer to his daughter (now 9).  The first year has been a little rough adjusting to our new life.  I also have an 8 year old son, and my husband and I have a 11 month old daughter.  I have been trying to work on things with my husbands help and have had no luck.  My SD is very possessive of her father and his attention.  I understand she is still adjusting to the divorce of her parents 4-5 years ago and is upset. 

Recently it has taken a whole new level.  In the beginning I would often watch SD for her mother while my husband was out of town, no big deal.  I started working a few months ago so that no longer happens, plus SD and her mom moved 300 miles away to Texas.  My SD has always been well behaved at school, never getting into trouble and doing her work.  This past week she threathen to stab a little girl with a piece of glass because that girl would not let her help fix her scooter.  When her mother asked why she did it she said she just gets really mad that her parents aren't together (understandable, not excusable) and that I am mean to her when her dad isn't around.  I am honestly pretty hurt by this, and my husband and I know it isn't true.  I go out of my way to make sure she is included in everything, whether it be wanting to go grocery shopping or whatever. 

Here is where I need the advice, I am to the point where I do not want to be left alone with her at all.  If I am going to get groceries and wants to go she cannot.  I know that may sound kind of harsh but that is a privelge not a right, and I am worried about what other things she may say in the future.  I have also talked with my husband about setting her down and speaking with her about.  Just to let her know that I know what she had said about me and ask her why she would say that.  I have been reading some stepfamily books but have not come across this in any of them..! I just feel that she should be aware of what goes on, that my husband and I do communicate about everything and lying is unacceptable behavior.  ..AGH HELP!

by on Sep. 22, 2013 at 8:54 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 9:31 AM
2 moms liked this

She got in trouble.  No child wants to be in trouble so they come up with ways to get out of it.  Sounds like your SD pulled the: "I'm a poor COD and my SM is mean" to manipulate the situation and make people feel sorry for her to get herself out of trouble. 

I agree that going places is a priveledge and she is old enough to understand that actions have consequences.

Is she in therapy?  I know it gets tossed around a lot... therapy... that is... but if she is that angry (and it wasn't just the first thing that popped in her head to get out of trouble...) she could surely benefit from talking to someone.

Actually... I think everyone in the entire world could probably benefit from some sort of therapy. :)

lucasmom2005
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 9:42 AM

She is not in therapy and I do think it would be good for her, but I don't think BM would be on board.  This happened Wednesday and Saturday BM took her to Six Flags.  I'm also confused on if she should have punishment when she gets here for behavior toward that other little girl? Just so many issues and BM just wants to blame everyone else instead of just addressing the issues. 

woodit2u
by on Sep. 22, 2013 at 9:46 AM

I think therapy is a great idea. It definitely sounds like she needs help moving past the divorce.

If I was in the situation, she would most certainly be getting punished for that behavior.

Quoting lucasmom2005:

She is not in therapy and I do think it would be good for her, but I don't think BM would be on board.  This happened Wednesday and Saturday BM took her to Six Flags.  I'm also confused on if she should have punishment when she gets here for behavior toward that other little girl? Just so many issues and BM just wants to blame everyone else instead of just addressing the issues. 

 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 10:07 AM

What did she say when you asked her why she thinks you are mean to her when her father isn't around? Maybe something happened, that she thought was mean, and you just remember it differently? Have you asked her? It could be a simple misunderstanding.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 10:09 AM

You certainly have the right to refuse to babysit, or take care of, your SD for any reason at all. Every SM has that right.

but, refusing to be around her, sort of lends credence to the allegation that you are mean to her. Let's just say, it supports that theory.

Look at it this way: you are angry that she said you are mean to her... so, to retaliate, you're going to be "mean" to her (from her point of view).

see how that looks?


Quoting lucasmom2005:

Here is where I need the advice, I am to the point where I do not want to be left alone with her at all.  If I am going to get groceries and wants to go she cannot.  I know that may sound kind of harsh but that is a privelge not a right, and I am worried about what other things she may say in the future.  I have also talked with my husband about setting her down and speaking with her about.  Just to let her know that I know what she had said about me and ask her why she would say that.  I have been reading some stepfamily books but have not come across this in any of them..! I just feel that she should be aware of what goes on, that my husband and I do communicate about everything and lying is unacceptable behavior.  ..AGH HELP!



lucasmom2005
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 10:20 AM

My husband and I have not had the opportunity to sit down with her and discuss this.  All she told him was that I am mean and when he asked why she thought I was she did not have any situation in which she used to display as to why she thought that.

I am not refusing to be around her but I will not be left alone with her.  We can still go and do things as a family and I will treat her just as I have been but I will not give her the opportunity to be alone with me.  My husband is around 99% of the time when she is over here anyway and my alone time is already very rare but I would much rather not give her the opportunity to say make up more things about me because it very well could escalate into more accusations.

lucasmom2005
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 10:23 AM
1 mom liked this

I understand your point whatIknownow, but honestly in life people are not going to want to be around you if you lie about them.  It's not that I want to retailate and be "mean" back but actions have consequences and that is point all kids need to learn.  What you do directly affects things you may or may not in the future,

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 10:26 AM


but maybe she didnt' thnk she was lying. Maybe she really did think you were mean to her when you did [insert whatever it was here that she's referring to].  The first step would be to find out what she's referring to.

Quoting lucasmom2005:

I understand your point whatIknownow, but honestly in life people are not going to want to be around you if you lie about them.  It's not that I want to retailate and be "mean" back but actions have consequences and that is point all kids need to learn.  What you do directly affects things you may or may not in the future,



lucasmom2005
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 10:34 AM

But the only problem is that she did not refer to anything, it was brought up when she had gotten in trouble for threatening to stab a little girl..... Even when asked in private by my husband she had no response as to why she thought I was mean.  If she would have given a reason as to why maybe I could see it, but given the situation and prior issues with lying I don't really see the case.

newstepmom61811
by on Sep. 22, 2013 at 10:47 AM
1 mom liked this

EXACTLY, you are spot on...my DH have taken this to our SS10 now therapist...at the age of 8 he did the EXACT same thing. He accused both DH and I of being mean and mistreating him. In the hopes BM would worry making her want him more and be a better mother...For a while I did what you did...I love him dearly but I am NOT his mother...it was a HUGE teaching point...I did sit him down. I know I treat him well, he doesn't like discipline, I did NOT get in a tit for tat about if he LIKES me...not my job, I don't look for a stamp of approva by an 8 year old of if they approve of everything I do, they're fickle, they'd like me on the days they get what they want and not ont he days they don't. Instead I taught him and told him. The world does NOzt love him...other people in it WILL walk away from you if you treat them bad (indeed they do, he has lost friends and ended up on teachers shit lists with some very disrespectful behavior)...I taught him the simple truth...you have to be a friend to have a friend...NO love in the world is absolutely unconditional...and I would not lie to him there is such and entity. I told him trust had been. Broken, severely, he lied, and he had to work on building it back...he did...


Quoting lucasmom2005:

I understand your point whatIknownow, but honestly in life people are not going to want to be around you if you lie about them.  It's not that I want to retailate and be "mean" back but actions have consequences and that is point all kids need to learn.  What you do directly affects things you may or may not in the future,



Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN