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When does it end?!

Posted by on Sep. 22, 2013 at 12:20 PM
  • 199 Replies
Uugghhh. Just need to vent. I get so darn frustrated.. There is not one part of my life being a stepmother has left untouched. I love my husband and I love my daughter and I love my step-daughter. I do not, however, love being a step mom. The drama and chaos it has created in my life feels like the seventh cicle of hell. BM goes out of her way to make any situation we are all attending- sporting events, school events, etc. Very uncomfortable for everyone. SD is only 5, she loves everyone and is very much a peacemaker. She goes out of her way to get everyone to bond and remove the tension she feels while trying to include everyone. It is sick!!!

And I'm tires of the emotional roller coaster relationship I have with SD. One day she loves me and the next I don't do things the way mommy does them and she is telling me what Mommy says I need to do in my house.

My 19 month old spends so much time openly missing my SD when she is with her mother. It breaks my heart. She talked to SD on the phone, then whined for the phone and sissy for a half hour or more... And she'll see sissy on the wall and then that's all I hear about and I'm sad because there is nothing I can do.

Uugghh... When does the emotional roller coaster end? When do I get my life back a little bit? When can I stop feeling so frustrated? I just cannot stand being so vulnerable all the time.
by on Sep. 22, 2013 at 12:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AydensMommy1008
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 12:27 PM
1 mom liked this

Omg. I feel this same very way. Only I have to deal with 5 of them and my 1 and we have none together. It is definitely TOUGH stuff! :/

bnc2712
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 12:33 PM
Well bless your heart one is more than enough for me... Many times it is too much!


Quoting AydensMommy1008:

Omg. I feel this same very way. Only I have to deal with 5 of them and my 1 and we have none together. It is definitely TOUGH stuff! :/


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 12:38 PM
6 moms liked this
I completely get the little one missing the big sister. My son misses my daughter fiercely when she is gone on her weekends. The summer is the hardest. She is gone for an entire month. Of course he is getting older and it's getting easier to understand but it doesn't make it go away. Friday when she left, she didn't directly tell him good bye - she just said bye with a wave out the door and he flipped. It was too late - she was already gone. I just redirect. We loaded up and went for some dinner. And quickly changed the tone of the evening. I keep him very busy when she is away.

As far as the drama and chaos, I'm not sure it ends as long as you let it consume you. It's very hard to do but rise above the difficulties and ignore the little comments. Don't get so offended when your SD mentions that her mommy does something one way that is different than you. Think of your daughter. One day when she is at school she will probably say something like 'my mommy XYZ'. All children especially at that age think their mummy's do it all perfect. I know at 33 I still think my moms grilled cheese is by far the best ever. Something about the smell of her home makes me getting butterflies. I love to take naps in my old room because the sheets are so soft and are cool and comfy. I would never tell my dads wife that her guest room is not as comfortable as the one at my moms ... Because I'm an adult and I have a filter. A 6 year old does not. She sees nothing wrong in sharing how her mommy does something that makes her happy. And she shouldn't. It shouldn't bother you that her mommy does everything the best. After all, your little girl likely thinks you do everything the best and likely always will.

Some of that stuff you have to just let go or it will just eat at you for years. Building resentment that again will just make you miserable.
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Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 1:43 PM
1 mom liked this
I wish people would realize that when a kid starts talking about BM it's not to be mean or cause BM taught them to, it's because that's their mom and they love her. And for the SMs who have a good relationship with their Sks, I am sure SkS occasionally talk about SM. Ss talks about me all the time to BM and I don't put him up to it. I assume since I am CSM and am around all the time he talks about me.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I completely get the little one missing the big sister. My son misses my daughter fiercely when she is gone on her weekends. The summer is the hardest. She is gone for an entire month. Of course he is getting older and it's getting easier to understand but it doesn't make it go away. Friday when she left, she didn't directly tell him good bye - she just said bye with a wave out the door and he flipped. It was too late - she was already gone. I just redirect. We loaded up and went for some dinner. And quickly changed the tone of the evening. I keep him very busy when she is away.



As far as the drama and chaos, I'm not sure it ends as long as you let it consume you. It's very hard to do but rise above the difficulties and ignore the little comments. Don't get so offended when your SD mentions that her mommy does something one way that is different than you. Think of your daughter. One day when she is at school she will probably say something like 'my mommy XYZ'. All children especially at that age think their mummy's do it all perfect. I know at 33 I still think my moms grilled cheese is by far the best ever. Something about the smell of her home makes me getting butterflies. I love to take naps in my old room because the sheets are so soft and are cool and comfy. I would never tell my dads wife that her guest room is not as comfortable as the one at my moms ... Because I'm an adult and I have a filter. A 6 year old does not. She sees nothing wrong in sharing how her mommy does something that makes her happy. And she shouldn't. It shouldn't bother you that her mommy does everything the best. After all, your little girl likely thinks you do everything the best and likely always will.



Some of that stuff you have to just let go or it will just eat at you for years. Building resentment that again will just make you miserable.
bnc2712
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 1:59 PM
That is precisely the problem. I don't mind when she says how mommy does things, I mind when she says mommy told me not to take a bath here because you don't blow dry my hair.

That's not just talking about mommy. That is mommy creating chaos. Now I have a 5 year old torn between loyalty to mommy and following rules here.

And my SD has shared with me that Mommy requests that SD and I not be friends cuz it hurts mommy's feelings. It is so sick.


Quoting Tillymommie:

I wish people would realize that when a kid starts talking about BM it's not to be mean or cause BM taught them to, it's because that's their mom and they love her. And for the SMs who have a good relationship with their Sks, I am sure SkS occasionally talk about SM. Ss talks about me all the time to BM and I don't put him up to it. I assume since I am CSM and am around all the time he talks about me.



Quoting momof2ex1:

I completely get the little one missing the big sister. My son misses my daughter fiercely when she is gone on her weekends. The summer is the hardest. She is gone for an entire month. Of course he is getting older and it's getting easier to understand but it doesn't make it go away. Friday when she left, she didn't directly tell him good bye - she just said bye with a wave out the door and he flipped. It was too late - she was already gone. I just redirect. We loaded up and went for some dinner. And quickly changed the tone of the evening. I keep him very busy when she is away.





As far as the drama and chaos, I'm not sure it ends as long as you let it consume you. It's very hard to do but rise above the difficulties and ignore the little comments. Don't get so offended when your SD mentions that her mommy does something one way that is different than you. Think of your daughter. One day when she is at school she will probably say something like 'my mommy XYZ'. All children especially at that age think their mummy's do it all perfect. I know at 33 I still think my moms grilled cheese is by far the best ever. Something about the smell of her home makes me getting butterflies. I love to take naps in my old room because the sheets are so soft and are cool and comfy. I would never tell my dads wife that her guest room is not as comfortable as the one at my moms ... Because I'm an adult and I have a filter. A 6 year old does not. She sees nothing wrong in sharing how her mommy does something that makes her happy. And she shouldn't. It shouldn't bother you that her mommy does everything the best. After all, your little girl likely thinks you do everything the best and likely always will.





Some of that stuff you have to just let go or it will just eat at you for years. Building resentment that again will just make you miserable.

bnc2712
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 2:05 PM
1 mom liked this
When we go to a sporting event and BM grips SD by arm and tells her it is her weekend and she needs to ignore us.. That's a bit much to just let go. I think it is difficult for many to wrap their heads around what I am dealing with. my situation is just bad. And because SD is young all he emotional abuse she is going through with BM is hearsay and does nothing to assist in a courtroom. I see physical outbursts from my SD of confusion and frustration from ally the mind games and guilt trips of BM.

If BM would spend half as much time bettering herselfas she does planting sasabotage- she probably wouldn't feel as threatened. All her crazy is a result of feel guilty about being so lazy.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I completely get the little one missing the big sister. My son misses my daughter fiercely when she is gone on her weekends. The summer is the hardest. She is gone for an entire month. Of course he is getting older and it's getting easier to understand but it doesn't make it go away. Friday when she left, she didn't directly tell him good bye - she just said bye with a wave out the door and he flipped. It was too late - she was already gone. I just redirect. We loaded up and went for some dinner. And quickly changed the tone of the evening. I keep him very busy when she is away.



As far as the drama and chaos, I'm not sure it ends as long as you let it consume you. It's very hard to do but rise above the difficulties and ignore the little comments. Don't get so offended when your SD mentions that her mommy does something one way that is different than you. Think of your daughter. One day when she is at school she will probably say something like 'my mommy XYZ'. All children especially at that age think their mummy's do it all perfect. I know at 33 I still think my moms grilled cheese is by far the best ever. Something about the smell of her home makes me getting butterflies. I love to take naps in my old room because the sheets are so soft and are cool and comfy. I would never tell my dads wife that her guest room is not as comfortable as the one at my moms ... Because I'm an adult and I have a filter. A 6 year old does not. She sees nothing wrong in sharing how her mommy does something that makes her happy. And she shouldn't. It shouldn't bother you that her mommy does everything the best. After all, your little girl likely thinks you do everything the best and likely always will.



Some of that stuff you have to just let go or it will just eat at you for years. Building resentment that again will just make you miserable.

Tillymommie
by Silver Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 2:39 PM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't play into it. I would politely smile and wave at SD but not engage. At Sd's next visit praise her for how awesome she did at the sporting event.

If Sd says Bm says not to take a bath because you don't blow dry her hair then offer to blow dry it. Sometimes things get confused. DS(4yo) tells his Bd he can't eat chili there because I said Bd doesn't make it right. Lol. What really happened was that DS saw me put unsweetened chocolate in my chili and said Bd doesn't make chocolate chili. I said BD makes it different. It translated to making it wrong. Bd called me asked what chocolate chile was because he made chili wrong lol. You have to take what young children say with a grain of salt


Quoting bnc2712:

When we go to a sporting event and BM grips SD by arm and tells her it is her weekend and she needs to ignore us.. That's a bit much to just let go. I think it is difficult for many to wrap their heads around what I am dealing with. my situation is just bad. And because SD is young all he emotional abuse she is going through with BM is hearsay and does nothing to assist in a courtroom. I see physical outbursts from my SD of confusion and frustration from ally the mind games and guilt trips of BM.



If BM would spend half as much time bettering herselfas she does planting sasabotage- she probably wouldn't feel as threatened. All her crazy is a result of feel guilty about being so lazy.




Quoting momof2ex1:

I completely get the little one missing the big sister. My son misses my daughter fiercely when she is gone on her weekends. The summer is the hardest. She is gone for an entire month. Of course he is getting older and it's getting easier to understand but it doesn't make it go away. Friday when she left, she didn't directly tell him good bye - she just said bye with a wave out the door and he flipped. It was too late - she was already gone. I just redirect. We loaded up and went for some dinner. And quickly changed the tone of the evening. I keep him very busy when she is away.





As far as the drama and chaos, I'm not sure it ends as long as you let it consume you. It's very hard to do but rise above the difficulties and ignore the little comments. Don't get so offended when your SD mentions that her mommy does something one way that is different than you. Think of your daughter. One day when she is at school she will probably say something like 'my mommy XYZ'. All children especially at that age think their mummy's do it all perfect. I know at 33 I still think my moms grilled cheese is by far the best ever. Something about the smell of her home makes me getting butterflies. I love to take naps in my old room because the sheets are so soft and are cool and comfy. I would never tell my dads wife that her guest room is not as comfortable as the one at my moms ... Because I'm an adult and I have a filter. A 6 year old does not. She sees nothing wrong in sharing how her mommy does something that makes her happy. And she shouldn't. It shouldn't bother you that her mommy does everything the best. After all, your little girl likely thinks you do everything the best and likely always will.





Some of that stuff you have to just let go or it will just eat at you for years. Building resentment that again will just make you miserable.

looneytunes290
by on Sep. 22, 2013 at 3:16 PM
Im sorry, I understand, I dealt with it for 8 years before it got really bad with teens- then I disengaged. It has not really ever gotten much better. We have situations 2-3 times per year that must be dealt with. Example- family weddings- do me and the children go- or not? I haven't seen sd or mil in a long time and really don't want to- they will be there--- not the place to resolve differences. Anyway- good luck. Counseling did help the marital problems that rise from it.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 5:10 PM
If you think you are the only person to deal with a high conflict parent - you are very mistaken. A lot of us have been in similar situations - maybe not identical - but very similar - you wanted advice - don't like it or it doesn't apply then just pass over it.


Quoting bnc2712:

When we go to a sporting event and BM grips SD by arm and tells her it is her weekend and she needs to ignore us.. That's a bit much to just let go. I think it is difficult for many to wrap their heads around what I am dealing with. my situation is just bad. And because SD is young all he emotional abuse she is going through with BM is hearsay and does nothing to assist in a courtroom. I see physical outbursts from my SD of confusion and frustration from ally the mind games and guilt trips of BM.



If BM would spend half as much time bettering herselfas she does planting sasabotage- she probably wouldn't feel as threatened. All her crazy is a result of feel guilty about being so lazy.




Quoting momof2ex1:

I completely get the little one missing the big sister. My son misses my daughter fiercely when she is gone on her weekends. The summer is the hardest. She is gone for an entire month. Of course he is getting older and it's getting easier to understand but it doesn't make it go away. Friday when she left, she didn't directly tell him good bye - she just said bye with a wave out the door and he flipped. It was too late - she was already gone. I just redirect. We loaded up and went for some dinner. And quickly changed the tone of the evening. I keep him very busy when she is away.





As far as the drama and chaos, I'm not sure it ends as long as you let it consume you. It's very hard to do but rise above the difficulties and ignore the little comments. Don't get so offended when your SD mentions that her mommy does something one way that is different than you. Think of your daughter. One day when she is at school she will probably say something like 'my mommy XYZ'. All children especially at that age think their mummy's do it all perfect. I know at 33 I still think my moms grilled cheese is by far the best ever. Something about the smell of her home makes me getting butterflies. I love to take naps in my old room because the sheets are so soft and are cool and comfy. I would never tell my dads wife that her guest room is not as comfortable as the one at my moms ... Because I'm an adult and I have a filter. A 6 year old does not. She sees nothing wrong in sharing how her mommy does something that makes her happy. And she shouldn't. It shouldn't bother you that her mommy does everything the best. After all, your little girl likely thinks you do everything the best and likely always will.





Some of that stuff you have to just let go or it will just eat at you for years. Building resentment that again will just make you miserable.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 5:17 PM
Then start drying her hair. You are putting her in the middle same as mom. why not ask mom what sd meant? She's 5. Is it possible there is more to the story?? Maybe there was something more that was said that wasn't passed along.


Quoting bnc2712:

That is precisely the problem. I don't mind when she says how mommy does things, I mind when she says mommy told me not to take a bath here because you don't blow dry my hair.



That's not just talking about mommy. That is mommy creating chaos. Now I have a 5 year old torn between loyalty to mommy and following rules here.



And my SD has shared with me that Mommy requests that SD and I not be friends cuz it hurts mommy's feelings. It is so sick.




Quoting Tillymommie:

I wish people would realize that when a kid starts talking about BM it's not to be mean or cause BM taught them to, it's because that's their mom and they love her. And for the SMs who have a good relationship with their Sks, I am sure SkS occasionally talk about SM. Ss talks about me all the time to BM and I don't put him up to it. I assume since I am CSM and am around all the time he talks about me.





Quoting momof2ex1:

I completely get the little one missing the big sister. My son misses my daughter fiercely when she is gone on her weekends. The summer is the hardest. She is gone for an entire month. Of course he is getting older and it's getting easier to understand but it doesn't make it go away. Friday when she left, she didn't directly tell him good bye - she just said bye with a wave out the door and he flipped. It was too late - she was already gone. I just redirect. We loaded up and went for some dinner. And quickly changed the tone of the evening. I keep him very busy when she is away.







As far as the drama and chaos, I'm not sure it ends as long as you let it consume you. It's very hard to do but rise above the difficulties and ignore the little comments. Don't get so offended when your SD mentions that her mommy does something one way that is different than you. Think of your daughter. One day when she is at school she will probably say something like 'my mommy XYZ'. All children especially at that age think their mummy's do it all perfect. I know at 33 I still think my moms grilled cheese is by far the best ever. Something about the smell of her home makes me getting butterflies. I love to take naps in my old room because the sheets are so soft and are cool and comfy. I would never tell my dads wife that her guest room is not as comfortable as the one at my moms ... Because I'm an adult and I have a filter. A 6 year old does not. She sees nothing wrong in sharing how her mommy does something that makes her happy. And she shouldn't. It shouldn't bother you that her mommy does everything the best. After all, your little girl likely thinks you do everything the best and likely always will.







Some of that stuff you have to just let go or it will just eat at you for years. Building resentment that again will just make you miserable.


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