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Need advice from the brutally honest.....and not a stepmom thing **UPDATE***

Posted by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 10:06 AM
  • 15 Replies


UPDATE: I had already told her I could give her $300 for her utilities this time, she came back with "Make it $400 and I will pay you back $100 a month probably." Hah. Your advice and that reply has toughened me up this time, I promise!!! I told her I couldn't do $400. My DH is going to help me be tough too. Everybody is right, she is 46 years old and I have to let go too.


This is nothing to do with Stepmom Central, but I'm looking for advice on how to handle my sister. We were both adopted and are polar opposites, plus she has some undiagnosed mental issues that everybody sees but doctors. Our parents are both deceased, our mother passed away in 2010. Mom left her house to us jointly, and all her bank accounts and cd's to me. My sister didn't even come visit her the last 8 years of her life except on her 80th birthday when I told her I wanted to surprise mom for her birthday. When she walked in mom didn't even recognize her it had been so long. My sister drank in the hospital while mom was dying, argued with me over her bed and I had to threaten her with security to get her to shut up, it was horrible. Again, she has mental problems so I try to temper my reactions because she is how she is.

She was on the verge of losing her job so I told her she could have the house as her share of the estate and I would take the money. I never told her mom really didn't leave her anything but half the house.  She got a job and lived there the last couple of years and totally trashed the house. Her dog has destroyed mom's furniture, tore down curtains, crapped all over the carpets and chewed a hole throught the bathroom door. I know because we went to pick up a bedroom suit she agreed I could have. She agreed we could get it while she was at work and doesn't know I was in the house when my husband went to get it.  From the cash I got I have bought her a car (turned out to be a lemon and she got sued for not paying the guy who worked on it). I paid the house taxes a couple of years and have sent her money for utilities from time to time. She has no clue how to manage money. Now she has been fired from her most recent job and denied unemployment. She says I'm rich and expects me to help her until she finds something else. She's always hated me in most ways because I've had "things" and a family and she has not. Flip side, if I called and told her I was sick, she'd be very concerned. She doesn't want to sell the house of course because she has the dog and lives rent free.

How much do I give her? Is the right thing to do pay her bills and support her until she finds another job? One minute she yells at me for not offering money when she is struggling, and the next minute she cries about her hard life. I feel terribly sorry for her but also angry that she considers me an effing bitch and will call me out if I don't  say everything she wants to hear all the time.  If I support her I think it should come from my inheritance, not from DH's pocket. But, my inheritance cash has only about $25,000 left and being in a second marriage, I've wanted to know that I had that to fall back on for me and my kids if this marriage didn't make it. Or, if my kids needed it I could help them with it. Part of me feels like she is going to end up getting everything and she wouldn't even give my parents the time of day after she grew up. I guess the bottom line will be I can coldly just turn my back or I can give her the money until I'm out. I don't see any middle ground here.

by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 10:06 AM
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Replies (1-10):
arvadagirl
by New Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 10:15 AM
3 moms liked this

Stop enabling your sister.  She needs to sink or swim.  She is an adult and is not your responsibility.  Your children are your responsiblity take that money and set up college funds for them or use it on them.  Stop throwing it down the drain on your sister.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 11:05 AM

Stop.  I know it's easy to say and hard to do.  I've had to do similar.  And I did give away my last bit of savings which really put me in a tough spot later on.  I've never recovered financially from the last bailout I did.  I've been asked since, but I just tell her "I'm sorry. I know you're under the impression that I'm well off, but I'm not.  I simply do not have anything else to give you other than moral support.  I will help you with your resume.  I will help get you to interviews if that's what it takes, but I'm just not in a position to help you out financially."

She doesn't need to know that you have any inheritance left.  She had inheritance too and she blew it.  It's really not your problem.  Maybe she needs to totally hit bottom in order to get serious about getting better, getting help, and getting serious about taking care of herself.

It's not turning your back to choose not to help her financially.

pepper504
by Gold Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 11:10 AM
1 mom liked this

She's living in a house (half yours) rent free.  If she needs money bad enough, I'd tell her that you'd buy her out (if that is a possibility) and she can live elsewhere and you can rent your mother's house out and get money for it.  Although, I'm sure the repairs to fix the damage is going to cost you a pretty penny, from what it sounds like. 

She's taking advantage of you and you are allowing it.  It's hard to turn your back on someone, but she got herself in this situation and she needs to find a way out on her own.  If you feel that you need to help, tell her that you will pay her utilities for a couple of months (more than enough time to find another job).  If she doesn't, then she needs to go to the doctor, get a diagnosis and get on disability due to her instability and not being able to hold a job. 

You're not going to win an this situation.  It's a double edge sword.  Also, your family comes first. 

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this

Stop stop stop stop stop.

Stop enabling her.

Stop giving in to her.  

Just stop.

veggiemom474
by Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 11:24 AM
2 moms liked this

I have a very strong opinion on this situation since I'm very firmiliar with alcoholics/mental illness. The two combined are toxic physically and mentally, and will drag all family and friends down with it.

For yourself and your family, do not try and help her anymore. She will suck the cash and life out of you. No one can help her. She needs to help herself, and as long as she knows she has someone to fall back on, she will just keep living this life. People with these kinds of problems who won't seek help will destroy everyone who tries to be there for them. DO NOT feel guilty. You cannot control what your sister does, nor can you keep supporting her emotionally or financially. It would be a life long task.

If she has a major break down and admits all her problems, wants to get help, then be there for her emotionally. But keep the money you need for you and your family. She'll only waste it on liquor, I assure you!!! 

I'm so it's not easy turning your back on a sister, I've been there very recently with my own sister, and x husband. You have to keep telling yourself, you are not responsible for your sisters mistakes, not can you control what decisions she makes. Free yourself from feeling obligated. She might be your sister, but just because she is family does not mean it's your obligation to save her very time she allows herself to fall.

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 11:31 AM

Stop enabling her. You have already given her a free home, free car, and have assisted with utilities and other needs. She is a grown ass woman who has already been given alot of help. It is time for her to sink or swim on her own.

I personally would not support her until she gets another job. There is a reason she is unemployed and a reason she was denied unemployment. She needs to own it.

I'm sorry you are dealing with. My mom's youngest sister is similar...we have no idea where she is going to live when my grandma passes away as she has mooched of my grandparents most of her life and cannot keep any type of job longer than a few months. She is also mentally ill and refuses treatment. It is a very hard place to be but my mom and her sibilings have all decided that upon my grandma's passing she will have to sink or swim on her own as not one of them will enable a 50 year old woman any longer.

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:31 PM

Thank you all. Yes, it is SO hard because I feel guilty, yet I know over time she will get everything if I keep letting her. I guess I should keep telling myself  my mom left each of us what she wonted too. She could have left everything jointly and she didn't.

newstepmom61811
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 12:50 PM

Honestly, I would force a sale on the house...she gets money...you get your share of money out of the house...then her responsibility what she does with her share of the money...and no more ties that toxically bind...

This is really a no win as long as you are bound into the house...she will eventually trash it and lose it...and then both of you have lost...

And as for your money...don't spend another dime...

She is an adult...

This same hardball game is going on with a cousin of mine over a grandparents house 4 grandchildren have inherited...3 of us are having to force a sale and force our fourth cousin out because she can't buy us out...at this point...she's so toxic...too bad.

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 1:06 PM

 I agree with the others on this board about STOPPING your support immediately.  Also, 1/2 of that house is yours and you should have that.  You have done way more that you should have already.  You have to look out for yourself.

Our country has a real problem with caring for mentally ill adults.  Most are not sick enough to have to live in a nursing home but not well enough to live on their own.  In a lot of cases the family tries to help but there is only so much the family can do.  This must be so heartwrenching to go through, and doesn't seem to end, its just managed. 

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Sep. 25, 2013 at 1:36 PM

Stop enabling her. She sounds like my sister who is 30 and my parents still support her 100%. She will be screwed when my parents pass because she will have no one to support her anymore and I sure as hell aint doing it.

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