As many of you know, we've been separated for nearly 7 years. During most of the this time we had a 50/50, though given the fact that BF refused to see DD for a prolonged period of time, our CO is no longer valid as far as the custody split is concerned .... we pretty much sort the schedule via an Excel sheet, and currently I get her 8 out of 14 days (though I often cover for BF due to "business trips").
DD hasn't been happy at BF's for quite a while ... cramped living conditions (2 bedrooms for 5 people ... and one of the two rooms actually is barely the size of a wardrobe), very messy and chaotic, lots of pressure from BF to excel etc. etc. She doesn't want to stop going there altogether (mainly because BF gets almost suicidal since he is convinced she loves me more than him), but she was hoping that some miracle would happen and he'd ask for less contact again (as happened previously on several occasions).
Matters are getting worse and worse ... she barely talks to her stepsisters (the "bitches", as she refers to them), and her (previously amicable, as far as I know) relationship with SM is deteriorating rapidly, to a point where she hopes BF will divorce SM and find another woman "who truly loves him". As far as I'm aware, there haven't been any fall-outs or similar, and DD has never voiced her views to BF or SM ... she just stays out of everybody's way until her time with BF is up.
DD finished last school year with 8 A*s and 6 As ... no Bs or Cs. School started about 3 weeks ago, and her first two assignments in two of her favourite subjects were Cs. It isn't really tragic since they don't count for the final grade ... but I'd like to keep a close eye on things. Might be just a case of different expectations compared to what last year's teachers expected ... but might also be a trend.
DD is adamant that I am not to tell BF, since he has taken to shouting and cussing whenever she makes a mistake (e.g. forgets something). Last week, she sent him a text where she mistakenly wrote "too" instead of "two" ... and was duly ordered to do 30 minutes of reading each day (found that rather confusing, DD reads way more than 30 minutes a day when at mine ... she usually takes a book to bed). He is also very quick when it comes to threatening her with tutoring (even for the subjects where she has As as opposed to A*s), though all of her teachers are totally against her doing additional work.
He has already cut her days with her horse during his time because he considers it too stressful, and DD is worried that he'll blame her worsening grades on the horse (though she achieved last year's excellent grades despite (or maybe because of) the horse).
I know there is no way I can talk to him without DD ever finding out ... he'd throw a hissy fit along the lines of "you love your mom more than me because you tell her things, maybe it would be better if I was dead/you lived with your mom and just saw me for a coffee once in a while" ... and then he'd stop her from seeing her horse and would push her relentlessly ... studying, studying, studying.
I understand that as the father, he has a right to know ... but I feel my DD also has a right to me not betraying her trust. BF obviously has access to all of DD's school books, and to the teachers ... he eventually will find out ... but would you actively tell him?