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SM vs. BM - advice please!

Posted by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:11 PM
  • 36 Replies

Hello All!

I'm a newbie and at my wit's end.  I am a SM with no bio kids.  My husband has a 14 year old that is awesome!  She loves me, is sweet and very well behaved.  She has some learning issues we have identified so she has started seeing a speech therapist to work on executive functions and non-verbal learning disorder.  I mentioned this a year ago and BM shot it down.  These are issues that had been identified 7 years ago and BM dismissed them... of course... she knows best. Examples of SD learning issues would be reading comprehension and that she couldn't tie her shoes or ride a bicycle until she was 12 due to spatial learning issues. 

A little background about BM.  I am not exaggerating when I say she is a classic narcissist.  The world revolves around her and her schedule.  She only pays attention to her daughter when it is convenient for her.  She is a "licensed therapist" aka she has a mater's in sociology.  She does not have a job and her husband is a psychologist.  She totally manipulates my husband and he would rather avoid conflict than argue with her about most things.  About 2 years ago she used my SD name on Facebook and posted pictures of herself (BM) in bra and panties in provative poses.  I discovered this and we documented her activity for a month and contacted law enforcement.  Unfortunately, internet laws do not cover this and because she is the BM she has the right to her daughter's name.  When my husband confronted her (with a binder full of proof) she claimed "someone hacked" her account.

BM is now refusing to sign HIPPA form for me to work with the speech therapist regarding scheduling if BM or my husband are available.  She says that my "contribution and observations are critical" but then says she doesn't want me to be involved.... ????  She continues to throw out the "attorney" card and says my husband (BD) has no right to allow me to set scheduling on his behalf.  I brought out a binder of Facebook evidence to remind her that we had the Facebook proof of her inappropriate activities and to go ahead and contact an attorney.  That she had slandered her daughter's name and that information / pictures would be on the internet somewhere forever... and that she did not consult my husband before doing so.

Ironically, the next appointment (we do in-home therapy) is at BM's house.  She will be in Vegas at a "convention" for her "license and continuing education"... for the job she doesn't have.  Her sister is supposed to be at her home for the appointment (which she was originally going to cancel.).  My husband will be discussing the fact that he would need to provide HIPPA permission to her sister and will not do so until she does the same for me.

This situation is not about me or my ego.  This is about my SD getting help.  Her mother doesn't seem to care about this because of the drama she is creating.  This is the first conflict we have had over anything in 5 years.  My husband is sticking to his guns about my 100% participation even though I have offered to step aside.

Help!

 

by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DDDaysh
by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:21 PM

And apparently your husband didn't care about it for the first 12-years either...  

Does he want SD to miss this appointment?  If not, why bother playing tit for tat?  

Angelmevans
by Member on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:25 PM
My husband has signed a HIPPA form giving me permission without the bios mom approval. If they have joint custody then he has the right to do this.

kim8934
by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:29 PM

you are making this a fight between SM & BM, take a step back, this isn't about you.  Hanging onto a 'binder' of facebook information, that you already know can't be used against her, is destructive.  Accounts get hacked all the time.

unless you are a licensed speech therapist, stay out of how your husband and his ex school their daughter.  Believe it or not, it really doesn't concern you.

Your husband needs to grow a pair and step up and be responsible.  This usually doesn't involve the SM opinion. 

amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:43 PM

How is this all mom's fault? It doesn't sound like dad gave a shit either... and why do you have to be involved in the meetings with the therapists?

DDDaysh
by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 1:46 PM

This depends on how the CO is written.  Sometimes only one parent has to give consent, but sometimes both do. 

Quoting Angelmevans:

My husband has signed a HIPPA form giving me permission without the bios mom approval. If they have joint custody then he has the right to do this.


Nikitadoggies
by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 2:11 PM

First - I have said repeatedly that I don't need to be involved..... the issue is scheduling.  Since BM is out of town so much it is important to keep appointments for SD.

Second - My husband has tried without success in the past.  He certainly DOES CARE! 

Third - It kind of does involve me because I am involved in her Language Arts / Social Studies homework.  My husband works with her on Math / Science. 

Fouth - The Facebook information is more about reminding BM that she isn't perfect and cannot point fingers without thinking about her own actions

packermomof2
by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 2:28 PM

You threatened her with court?  You're not able to take her to court.  He can.  But apparently he isn't as interested in getting his kid help as you are.  Take him to court as well for that if it is that bad.

There is no mom v. SM.  There is no competition.  You are on a completely different playing field than mom.  

packermomof2
by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 2:30 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting Nikitadoggies:

First - I have said repeatedly that I don't need to be involved..... the issue is scheduling.  Since BM is out of town so much it is important to keep appointments for SD.

Second - My husband has tried without success in the past.  He certainly DOES CARE! 

Third - It kind of does involve me because I am involved in her Language Arts / Social Studies homework.  My husband works with her on Math / Science. 

Fouth - The Facebook information is more about reminding BM that she isn't perfect and cannot point fingers without thinking about her own actions

You don't need to be reminding mom of anything.

You don't need to be involved in this, mom can reschedule.  Or you can take the kid, stay out of the therapist's way, take the kid back to dad.  You don't need to be given information.

He must not have tried too hard if nothing was being accomplished until you showed up.


DDDaysh
by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 2:41 PM

How could he have "tried without success"?  

If he's got legal rights to the child, he could have had her evaluated, he could have taken Mom back to court, he could have done a dozen things.  If he needed you to step in and be his Mommy and hold him by the hand to parent his kid, that's not being a very good Dad.  

Why can't Dad do all her homework with her?  Why do you have to do any of it?  Or why can't Dad share the therapists recomendations with you?  

And, lastly, your "Fourth" makes no sense.  It's mixing apples and oranges and seems vindictive.  You are very much still caught up in trying to "win", and that's a bad place to be.  

Quoting Nikitadoggies:

First - I have said repeatedly that I don't need to be involved..... the issue is scheduling.  Since BM is out of town so much it is important to keep appointments for SD.

Second - My husband has tried without success in the past.  He certainly DOES CARE! 

Third - It kind of does involve me because I am involved in her Language Arts / Social Studies homework.  My husband works with her on Math / Science. 

Fouth - The Facebook information is more about reminding BM that she isn't perfect and cannot point fingers without thinking about her own actions


Singlemama52
by on Sep. 26, 2013 at 3:00 PM
2 moms liked this
Been dealing with a "stepmom" like you. My son is in speech therapy, he's two. His "stepmom" decided to teach my son sign language, without consulting myself or the therapist to get us all on the same page. Needless to say, my son is confused now on how to communicate with the parents. They only know 5 sign languages and he won't sign and say the word. If she consulted me, and said can I teach the both of you this, I think it will be beneficial for him, it would be different, but the therapist eventually called my Ex and told him at this point he's confusing him, and to work with him on words and gave him different techniques to help. He hasn't stopped the sign language and is doing whatever he pleases, or what the wife pleases, so unless you want a pissed off biological mom, I would step back. You have no say, I don't care what rights you think your husband gave you, you are not the parent bottom line.
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