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Advice for a newbie NCP

Posted by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:16 PM
  • 155 Replies
Always tell your kids the truth in an age appropriate way. If you divorced due to bm affair - still tell them-
Be as involved as possible in everything! It is probably more important now than if the marriage hadn't ended.
Expect that your child will most likely pattern their morals and reasoning like the parent who is spending the most time with them (exceptions occur but not often)
by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:22 PM
2 moms liked this

Really?  You think it's wise to bring up an affair?  I knew about my Dad's affair(s) before my folks divorced, but I don't think my brothers ever did.  It was something that really damaged my relationship with him.

I'm not so sure it's wise to throw that kind of info out--especially to a young child.

progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:27 PM
What if the divorce was due to BF having an affair with SM? Should BM still divulge the info? I think if BM did that those OWSMs, and the cheating BFs, would say BM was sharing private adult information in order to turn the kids against SM and their cheating BF.

Personally, I don't think kids should be privy to the reason their parents broke up. All that matters is that the relationship didn't work out.
looneytunes290
by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:27 PM
I think that whatever the truth is should be told- it probably caused you less damage than growing up believing he was something that he was not. Yes I believe very strongly in the truth. My husband sheltered his kids from the truth about their mother- thinking - they will understand when they are older. Well - after kids grow up thinking - dad just didn't want us for his family- that damage is not fixable. Had everyone been honest then the outcome might have been better.
mistyann00
by Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:29 PM

I have to disagree with telling them, I think that can do some damage to the child, I think you need to keep their maturity in arms reach and in consideration. I know my DH told me that if the children ask him and if he feels they are ready maturity wise he will then tell them. But that was his call. He didn't want to damage the other parents title, love and etc. So he just tells them that it didn't work out between your mom and I. I love you guys with all my heart and that will never change whether I am here or there. He constantly told them he always loved them.

looneytunes290
by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:34 PM
I Don't think it should be done hatefully- I always forget to disclose this. But yes- I believe in honesty- a counselor friend of mine told me this years ago when I divorced my children's father and it was the bet advice I got. I didn't want to tell them about his behavior and choices but she encouraged me to - in a loving way. I also didn't nag about it all the time- there were a few conversations about it- and I told them I don't understand why but that's how I saw them- I also admitted my own faults about what could have contributed to the marriage ending.

My dh is still dealing with the bad choice of allowing his children to believe lies. How embarrassing for them to grow up and then find out why their parents marriage ended from others- neither dad nor mom had been honest with them. Dad had been silent, and mom had lied to protect herself.
looneytunes290
by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:34 PM
If sm is ow then the children deserve to know that she and their father are not trustworthy- and move forward accordingly.
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:42 PM
My ex husband had an affair that produced a daughter prior to our divorce. I haven't told my children about their father's indiscretion but I also know someday they will figure it out. I see no benefit in telling them. He eventually married the other woman. They can count to 40 and will take sex education so I'm sure eventually there will be questions that need honest answers. But I love my children so I won't "tell" on their dad.
looneytunes290
by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 1:01 PM
I will agree that if the "time has past" so to speak then I don't know that I would drudge up the past 5yrs down the road with teens. I almost think it is better if children grow up always knowing- or never knowing- or figuring it out for themselves. Honesty is pretty much the number one biggie at our house. I have never been dishonest with my kids about anything. Their have been times that I have told children that something was "none of their business" because it dealt with adult situations. But not about their family. By the time a child is 3 or 4 they have a good enough understanding of relationships to know if mommy or daddy wanted a romantic relationship with someone- or if mommy and daddy divorced because he hit mommy- or xyz- also these kids usually know more than they are given credit for. When they are "protected" by their parents who don't tell them the truth then I think sometimes they think that the offensive behavior is acceptable- for example- mommy is screwing around on daddy- daddy knows this and leaves and they divorce due to daddy's work schedule mommy is awarded custody with dad eowe and one night a week- and summers. Mommys boyfriend immediately moves in and kids like him- (which in itself isn't horrible) kids grow up thinking daddy doesn't- and---- that it is no big deal to jump from one relationship to another with them often overlapping-
progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 1:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I very strongly disagree.

 

I still don’t know why my parents divorced. I’ve heard stories from third parties, but my parents have always stayed mum. My dad’s wife says my mom was a serial cheater, who had multiple affairs while my dad begged her to work on their marriage. My paternal grandfather says that my dad was a lousy deadbeat, who ran off when I was an infant. Neither fits the character of either of my parents. My mom has always been a good, loyal woman. My dad has always been a caring, doting father.  

 

You said, it probably caused you less damage than growing up believing he was something that he was not.” That’s assuming that people can’t change. Even if my father was a deadbeat who took off, he was back in my life before I could ever remember him being gone. Even if my mother was a cheater, I seen her stand by my stepdad through times when I personally would have said, ‘see you sucker’. What would be the benefit of knowing that, ‘hey your mom cheated on your dad’ or ‘when you were born your dad didn’t want you’? Honestly, I don’t see any benefit other than casting doubt and blame on the offending parent.

 

The only thing that matters is that the relationship didn’t work out, and my parents moved on.

 

Also – this is one of the reasons that I hate my dad’s wife. She felt that I needed to know the ‘truth’ - and since dad wouldn’t tell me, she would. I didn’t appreciate my dad’s wife trying to tell me what my mom had done wrong, and the more she tried to convince me of my mom’s lack of morals, the more I disliked her. If dad isn’t sharing the details, definitely stay the hell out of it.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 1:09 PM
2 moms liked this

My kids don't know that I left their father due to his cheating. I don't know if it will ever come up in conversation,but it hasn't yet. Maybe I will tell them one day, I don't know. They are 22 and 20.  They love their father. I think if I ever did tell them, I'd preface it with something like, "we weren't right for each other and weren't happy with each other and we both have better marriages than we had with each other."  I would not want them to think that I harbor any resentment toward their father (because I don't).

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