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BM who had no idea

Posted by on Sep. 28, 2013 at 2:12 AM
  • 41 Replies
5 moms liked this

I came on this board to read a couple of posts. I have an amicable relationship with my son's SS.  We are not friends but we can talk and be honest. Never fought. My ex and I do have our "moments."  I have my son most of the time. He sees his dad EOW but sometimes once a month. Dad can't get off work


anyway, I had no idea how many women who have had to step up to be full time parents. I can't even fathom not seeing my child everyday. 

My son's SM has 3 kids of her own. She is very good to my son. And I'm relieved. I sometimes wonder how she got stuck with my ex. (Joke). 

Thank you to the stepmom's who get what it's all about. Happy, healthy kids. 

by on Sep. 28, 2013 at 2:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 6:38 AM

Do you have a question?

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 7:04 AM
I think there are many decent situations like yours. What brought you here!
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 7:14 AM


When I first got divorced my Ex took our kids (then 8 and 6) EOWE. I thought that was a perfect arrangment for me. I got every other weekend off, free time to date, see my friends, go shopping child-free, or just relax.

But I can't imaging giving up custody. so when I later got married, and my husband's ex gave up custody, I just couldn't understand how she could do that. The lack of understanding was a big cause of problems in my early steplife because I had no empathy or sympathy at all for her.  

Quoting Jaghd810:

 I can't even fathom not seeing my child everyday. 



malinda74
by Bronze Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:15 AM
I need to know how you gained empathy for her as my step life appears to mirror yours. My DH is also CP and I can't understand BM. In fact her lack of involvement with her daughter (and she was a sahm) was the main reason he left her. He has told me not to try to understand his x...that she lacks a mothering instinct.


Quoting whatIknownow:


When I first got divorced my Ex took our kids (then 8 and 6) EOWE. I thought that was a perfect arrangment for me. I got every other weekend off, free time to date, see my friends, go shopping child-free, or just relax.

But I can't imaging giving up custody. so when I later got married, and my husband's ex gave up custody, I just couldn't understand how she could do that. The lack of understanding was a big cause of problems in my early steplife because I had no empathy or sympathy at all for her.  


Quoting Jaghd810:

 I can't even fathom not seeing my child everyday. 





whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:27 AM
1 mom liked this


I never really gained empathy exactly. I can't empathize with women who have no mothering instinct.  But what happened was... you know that old saying, "hating someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die" or something like that?  Well, I just realized it's true. Hating or resenting my stepkids' mother was only hurting me - AND - it was threatening to destroy my relationship with my stepkids because they loved their mother unconditionally. So, it was a matter of self-preservation, really. I made a conscious and deliberate decision to stop resenting her.

It didnt' happen overnight though. It was a process. 

Quoting malinda74:

I need to know how you gained empathy for her as my step life appears to mirror yours. My DH is also CP and I can't understand BM. In fact her lack of involvement with her daughter (and she was a sahm) was the main reason he left her. He has told me not to try to understand his x...that she lacks a mothering instinct.


Quoting whatIknownow:


When I first got divorced my Ex took our kids (then 8 and 6) EOWE. I thought that was a perfect arrangment for me. I got every other weekend off, free time to date, see my friends, go shopping child-free, or just relax.

But I can't imaging giving up custody. so when I later got married, and my husband's ex gave up custody, I just couldn't understand how she could do that. The lack of understanding was a big cause of problems in my early steplife because I had no empathy or sympathy at all for her.  


Quoting Jaghd810:

 I can't even fathom not seeing my child everyday. 







malinda74
by Bronze Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:36 AM
1 mom liked this
I see. DH and I are only approaching our first anniversary ( together for 2 years). I try not to think of BM. DH is a great father and very involved with all the kids. But I've been developing a disdain for BM because she is so minimally involved and pays no CS. Its been hard to struggle with these intense negative emotions. I work full time. But I love my kids and could never go without them in my life. BM and I have minimal interaction so no big fights have ever happened. But I'm horrified at my intense dislike of this woman and have wondered if its normal.;


Quoting whatIknownow:


I never really gained empathy exactly. I can't empathize with women who have no mothering instinct.  But what happened was... you know that old saying, "hating someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die" or something like that?  Well, I just realized it's true. Hating or resenting my stepkids' mother was only hurting me - AND - it was threatening to destroy my relationship with my stepkids because they loved their mother unconditionally. So, it was a matter of self-preservation, really. I made a conscious and deliberate decision to stop resenting her.

It didnt' happen overnight though. It was a process. 


Quoting malinda74:

I need to know how you gained empathy for her as my step life appears to mirror yours. My DH is also CP and I can't understand BM. In fact her lack of involvement with her daughter (and she was a sahm) was the main reason he left her. He has told me not to try to understand his x...that she lacks a mothering instinct.





Quoting whatIknownow:


When I first got divorced my Ex took our kids (then 8 and 6) EOWE. I thought that was a perfect arrangment for me. I got every other weekend off, free time to date, see my friends, go shopping child-free, or just relax.

But I can't imaging giving up custody. so when I later got married, and my husband's ex gave up custody, I just couldn't understand how she could do that. The lack of understanding was a big cause of problems in my early steplife because I had no empathy or sympathy at all for her.  



Quoting Jaghd810:

 I can't even fathom not seeing my child everyday. 











whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:40 AM
1 mom liked this


It's funny you mention CS. I can say that the turning point for me, the point at which I was ready to *begin* to stop resenting BM, was when we filed for (and won) CS from her. I didn't care how much money it was, it was more symbolic to me, of her contribution and recognition of what "we" do to raise her kids.

any chance you can get a CS order? I wrote DH's motion myself.

Quoting malinda74:

I see. DH and I are only approaching our first anniversary ( together for 2 years). I try not to think of BM. DH is a great father and very involved with all the kids. But I've been developing a disdain for BM because she is so minimally involved and pays no CS. Its been hard to struggle with these intense negative emotions. I work full time. But I love my kids and could never go without them in my life. BM and I have minimal interaction so no big fights have ever happened. But I'm horrified at my intense dislike of this woman and have wondered if its normal.;
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:53 AM
I don't understand why BM doesn't want to see her kids either, but she has mental issues so she isn't in a normal frame of mind. I miss my kids when they are gone eow.

What gets at me is not that BM chooses to be uninvolved, it's that she tries to sabotage my SKs current stable home by bad mouthing me and DH, suing DH, calling the cops on us, etc.

She doesn't care enough about her kids to appreciate that they are in a happy healthy home.
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:53 AM
I wish....but that is my DH. He feels that DD is his responsibility. I secretly think he worries that if he asks the court for CS that she will fight for custody and being a woman will win. He has no faith in the system.
When they were married...she accidentally became pregnant. She was a sahm and he worked. A lot. He had to put DD in before and after school care. He took her to school and did pick up. Why? Because he couldn't trust his wife to care for her. He was the one who did the middle of the night feedings when she was a baby too. Its sad. But he has said she wouldn't do the things sahms generally do. Like cook or clean or take care of the child.


Quoting whatIknownow:


It's funny you mention CS. I can say that the turning point for me, the point at which I was ready to *begin* to stop resenting BM, was when we filed for (and won) CS from her. I didn't care how much money it was, it was more symbolic to me, of her contribution and recognition of what "we" do to raise her kids.

any chance you can get a CS order? I wrote DH's motion myself.


Quoting malinda74:

I see. DH and I are only approaching our first anniversary ( together for 2 years). I try not to think of BM. DH is a great father and very involved with all the kids. But I've been developing a disdain for BM because she is so minimally involved and pays no CS. Its been hard to struggle with these intense negative emotions. I work full time. But I love my kids and could never go without them in my life. BM and I have minimal interaction so no big fights have ever happened. But I'm horrified at my intense dislike of this woman and have wondered if its normal.;

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:58 AM
1 mom liked this


My DH was reluctant too at the time, for similar reasons, but I prevailed.

Well I feel like I'v hijacked this thread enough. But...  keep it in mind and just think about it, you can do it at some point in the future and there are proactive steps you can take to protect against her bidding for custody. At the very least, she probably will counter with a request for more parenting time (my stepkids' mother did, and lost).  You can set the stage now, years before you file, to tip the scales in your favor down the road.

When they were married...she accidentally became pregnant. She was a sahm and he worked. A lot. He had to put DD in before and after school care. He took her to school and did pick up. Why? Because he couldn't trust his wife to care for her. He was the one who did the middle of the night feedings when she was a baby too. Its sad. But he has said she wouldn't do the things sahms generally do. Like cook or clean or take care of the child.


Quoting whatIknownow:


It's funny you mention CS. I can say that the turning point for me, the point at which I was ready to *begin* to stop resenting BM, was when we filed for (and won) CS from her. I didn't care how much money it was, it was more symbolic to me, of her contribution and recognition of what "we" do to raise her kids.

any chance you can get a CS order? I wrote DH's motion myself.


Quoting malinda74:

I see. DH and I are only approaching our first anniversary ( together for 2 years). I try not to think of BM. DH is a great father and very involved with all the kids. But I've been developing a disdain for BM because she is so minimally involved and pays no CS. Its been hard to struggle with these intense negative emotions. I work full time. But I love my kids and could never go without them in my life. BM and I have minimal interaction so no big fights have ever happened. But I'm horrified at my intense dislike of this woman and have wondered if its normal.;



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