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Different types of love

Posted by on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:05 PM
  • 10 Replies
I'm aware that their are different types of love. When I moved in with my boyfriend 8 months ago I never really questioned how I feel about them or how I treat them. They are 11,9, &7. My child is 3. I really hate that I have the love for my son to compare to theirs. I always try to apply what I want for them (the best) when making decisions with discipline or school. I guess what I wonder is if that love grows. Sometimes I really dislike them. The lying and constant having to tell them to pick up after themselves. It's like chaos! We have a chores routine and I make them responsible for a lot of their actions. Sometimes my head just wants to explode and I want to push them all away. If I didn't love my man so much I do wonder if I would be here. They are really great kids, honestly. More so than I make them out to be. I just feel that certain understanding and connection. Those cuddle moments, and saving drawings... I try to keep similar stuff but other times I just have no patience or sympathy. I think I'm rough on them but only because they all need order. I'm just as hard if not harder on my own. Any thoughts on discipline or if and how you learn to look at their love differently?
by on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:05 PM
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 28, 2013 at 9:23 PM
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I get the feeling you think you are expected to love them. You're not, you know. It's ok not to love them, and actually it's unrealistic that you would, considering you only recently met them.

All that is really required is that you are nice to them, and kind, and dont' interfer with their parents's ability to be good parents to them. As we say, "do no harm." It is best to let the relationships develope naturally over time. Sometimes it takes many years. 


jeniemarie
by Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 2:50 AM
honestly you more then likely you will never love SKs the same as biokids. i have been with DH for 6yrs and while i do love my SS i dont love him or deal with as mush from him as i do my younger two. now do i feel guilty about that yes but its how i feel.
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Spiritofdance
by on Sep. 29, 2013 at 1:01 PM

I think the guilt is what drives me nuts. They deserve to have that motherly love like mine. I suppose I feel more obligated since their mom only sees them every other weekend and isn't a part of their life's like I am.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 1:04 PM
2 moms liked this


They deserve to have motherly love *from their mother*. All kids deserve that. But you can't give them that, only their mother can. You can, however, be a good influence, a good role model, and a friend.

Believe it or not, they can have a satisfying relationship with their mother even if she only sees them EOWE. There are  plenty of EOWE parents (mostly dads), who still remain active and important in their kids' lives. Encourage and support the relationship between your stepkids and their mother, if you think motherly love is important. There is no way you can take her place. And, it's not necessary.

Quoting Spiritofdance:

I think the guilt is what drives me nuts. They deserve to have that motherly love like mine. I suppose I feel more obligated since their mom only sees them every other weekend and isn't a part of their life's like I am.



Spiritofdance
by on Sep. 29, 2013 at 2:19 PM

Thanks so much. I always feel like I am too hard on them. Their mother didn't help in grooming them in well kept kids. They never learned to clean up after themselves. I was an only child so for me that's all I did. It's a constant battle with pitting book bags up and picking up toys. I try and be a constant as possible and only give them breaks when they have earned it. Am I asking too much to have a clean house with 4 kids?

EricaG87
by Bronze Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 3:02 PM
1 mom liked this
Yes it grows, or at least it CAN. My ex-stepdad... in the beginning he didn't know If he wanted to marry my mom at all because she had my brother and I. In the end of their marriage, the only reason that he stayed so long was because he loved my brother and I so much.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 5:47 PM


No you're not asking too much. But if your boyfriend has custody, and Mom only has EOWE, wouldn't it be your boyfriend's job to teach them good hygiene and good housekeeping habits? 

also, what does "give them breaks" mean?

Quoting Spiritofdance:

Thanks so much. I always feel like I am too hard on them. Their mother didn't help in grooming them in well kept kids. They never learned to clean up after themselves. I was an only child so for me that's all I did. It's a constant battle with pitting book bags up and picking up toys. I try and be a constant as possible and only give them breaks when they have earned it. Am I asking too much to have a clean house with 4 kids?



Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 5:51 PM



Quoting Spiritofdance:

Thanks so much. I always feel like I am too hard on them. Their mother didn't help in grooming them in well kept kids. They never learned to clean up after themselves. I was an only child so for me that's all I did. It's a constant battle with pitting book bags up and picking up toys. I try and be a constant as possible and only give them breaks when they have earned it. Am I asking too much to have a clean house with 4 kids?


I don't think any parent with kids those ages is going to have a pristine living space at all times--not without constant nagging.  As an only child, your parents probably did a lot more for you than you remember. And they had a lot less kids to worry about!

Sure, they can have age appropriate chores, expectations, etc.  But where is your boyfriend in this?  They're HIS kids!  He has to be the driving force.

teaching_kids
by Bronze Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 6:10 PM
I think their age makes it easier to be annoyed. Truly. My SD was 3 when we started which is my all time favorite age in general...so it's been a little easier for me personally because the bad habits were not developed yet.

We just created house rules & cleaning up after ones self.

The challenge was never about "I'm not mom" the challenge was about- SD had and still to this day has no chores and does not have to clean up after herself...so we just used Friday nights as movie night with a fun dinner and dessert an an opportunity for her to acclimate back to what is expected of her here. Verbally before she went to bed we reviewed the house rules. Worked like a charm
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 6:13 PM
1 mom liked this
That depends. Is your boyfriend supportive of a clean home? My dh is not so I feel that I spin my wheels often. Today has been a battle and these are my biological children. I can't tell you how many times I've asked to have the blankets picked up from the living room just today. I just had a temper tantrum over the back packs at the table. We've not been home all weekend and now I want to get the kitchen cleaned up for Sunday dinner ... Well.... No one is helping!!

I really believe a clean home is possible if everyone is on board. You have 4 kids and two adults. If even one person is not on board with helping and is not doing their part someone is going to have to pull more weight than the others to keep it clean. That should be your boyfriend if his kids are the ones not pulling their weight.


Quoting Spiritofdance:

Thanks so much. I always feel like I am too hard on them. Their mother didn't help in grooming them in well kept kids. They never learned to clean up after themselves. I was an only child so for me that's all I did. It's a constant battle with pitting book bags up and picking up toys. I try and be a constant as possible and only give them breaks when they have earned it. Am I asking too much to have a clean house with 4 kids?


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