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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

So here is what I think is crap!!

This is the BM coming out in me-

If a single mom has raised a kid up till they are 14 or 15- and that kid is a good student, band member, college bound kid, who has never been in any trouble. But- who decides that dads house seems a little easier because he has lower standards than mom- the dad should NOT say hey why don't ya come live with me?---

This happened to some people I know pretty good. Actually the dad is my husbands step brother. When going got a little rough at moms house when the kid was about 15 he let the kid move in with him. Around here by the time a kid is that age the law supports wherever the kid wants to be (which is somewhat crazy because of situations like this) so kid moves in with dad. Who happens to live in a crap school district. Then dad has no standards at all for what is expected of the kid. His grades and self esteem plummet- fast forward 4 years- he is now working at mc Donald's with a one month old baby- his girlfriend already has another kid by another boyfriend. His life is such crap compared to what his future held just a few years ago. His mom was a great lady who had always done what was best for him. When he left her house at 15 he was planning on medical school- he don't make it past his first semester of college:(

When 15 yo kid came to dad and said -whah whah mom is being mean- the best thing dad could have done was to say - listen to your mom- she has done a good job with you this far.

I just ran into the boys mom this afternoon and it got me thinking about it. I don't think it is anything I would have to worry with personally but I guess it is possible. I just wondered what other ladies would think about it. If you have good skids- do you give credit to the custodial parent?
by on Sep. 29, 2013 at 10:15 PM
Replies (11-16):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 29, 2013 at 11:46 PM
They don't let kids decide here either. My lawyer, while only a family law attorney for 14 years, has only seen one case where a child was allowed to decide and that was a 16 year old. Maybe 15. But it was based on the custodial parent moving out of state and the child was a junior in high school and didn't want to change schools. They very rarely allow a child to decide. What I know they do around here is hire a court appointed therapist - which eats up both parties finances and then they have the therapist work with the child to find out if the child is being swayed by either party. Then the therapist sends a report and their recommendations to the court. I've seen a therapists recommendations ignored/dismissed by courts so not sure how much ground that actually holds. I remember my lawyer telling me not that long ago that a long time ago they would allow kids to decide and what they found is that the kids weren't really deciding, they were smack dab in the middle of conflict between their parents. Which parent was more willing to give them what they wanted and which parent was more likely to hold their feet to the fire and go down the right path in life. So now, they don't put kids in that position. My ex keeps telling my dd that she can decide since she is 12. The judge wanted to know where he got that number from? He said that was what he was told. Yeah,.. Not in this court. Children don't get to make adult decisions.


Quoting looneytunes290:

I have thought this too in the past- I think he spoiled him a little too much- and it certainly wasn't like dad was a stranger- he saw the kid a lot. Sometimes boys are just especially doffcult around that age and I really think the kid wanted an easy break-




Quoting leegirl_jm:

Mom must have messed up somehow, at 15 years old she should have earned her son's loyalty, even if she was a very strict mother. 

Quoting looneytunes290:

If dad had the same standards mom did then there wouldn't have been problems. It is good to hear that the legal system is more effective in this area other places than here where we live. They basically let kids choose when they hit about 14 here. All that had to be done is a kid be willing to tell the judge that they want to live at whichever parents house. There has to be a serious reason why in order for the judge not to listen to the kid.








Quoting leegirl_jm:

I don't know of any court that would allow custodial change because the child wanted to go to the easy house.

In my experience, the child usually a boy needed and thrived under their father's discipline and usually it was a mutual arrangement between both parents.







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looneytunes290
by on Sep. 29, 2013 at 11:56 PM
That is really good to hear- I know that ad recently as three yrs ago we were told by our attorney that if ysd wanted to move in with us that all she had to do was tell the judge and it would be granted- she was 14 at the time. We didn't pursue it due to her counselors recommendation- (she said it would not be wise to bring sd In the home with the other kids) anyway- where we live is always the LAST place to catch up to the real world! Glad to hear that a better system is in its way!


Quoting momof2ex1:

They don't let kids decide here either. My lawyer, while only a family law attorney for 14 years, has only seen one case where a child was allowed to decide and that was a 16 year old. Maybe 15. But it was based on the custodial parent moving out of state and the child was a junior in high school and didn't want to change schools. They very rarely allow a child to decide. What I know they do around here is hire a court appointed therapist - which eats up both parties finances and then they have the therapist work with the child to find out if the child is being swayed by either party. Then the therapist sends a report and their recommendations to the court. I've seen a therapists recommendations ignored/dismissed by courts so not sure how much ground that actually holds. I remember my lawyer telling me not that long ago that a long time ago they would allow kids to decide and what they found is that the kids weren't really deciding, they were smack dab in the middle of conflict between their parents. Which parent was more willing to give them what they wanted and which parent was more likely to hold their feet to the fire and go down the right path in life. So now, they don't put kids in that position. My ex keeps telling my dd that she can decide since she is 12. The judge wanted to know where he got that number from? He said that was what he was told. Yeah,.. Not in this court. Children don't get to make adult decisions.




Quoting looneytunes290:

I have thought this too in the past- I think he spoiled him a little too much- and it certainly wasn't like dad was a stranger- he saw the kid a lot. Sometimes boys are just especially doffcult around that age and I really think the kid wanted an easy break-






Quoting leegirl_jm:

Mom must have messed up somehow, at 15 years old she should have earned her son's loyalty, even if she was a very strict mother. 

Quoting looneytunes290:

If dad had the same standards mom did then there wouldn't have been problems. It is good to hear that the legal system is more effective in this area other places than here where we live. They basically let kids choose when they hit about 14 here. All that had to be done is a kid be willing to tell the judge that they want to live at whichever parents house. There has to be a serious reason why in order for the judge not to listen to the kid.











Quoting leegirl_jm:

I don't know of any court that would allow custodial change because the child wanted to go to the easy house.

In my experience, the child usually a boy needed and thrived under their father's discipline and usually it was a mutual arrangement between both parents.









whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:16 AM


This is my thought too. Did the CP fight the move?

It has to be in a child's best intereset for a judge to change custody. The kid's preference isn't enough, if other factors suggest it is not in his best interest, such as a worse school district.

Quoting LyndaLoo78:

No court in any jurisdiction takes a child's opinion as gospel.  That much I know.  As the CP the BM had the RESPONSIBILITY to fight for her child's future, even if the kid THOUGHT he didn't want her fighting for him.  Teens make BAD DECISIONS (not all of them, however, countless neurology and neuropsychology studies PROVE that the impulse control portions of an adolescent's brain are under developed, and in fact do not fully develop until the mid-20s).  So while it would be nice for the NCP to have the CP's back, and in a lot of situations that may occur, if the NCP does not, the onus is on the CP to fight for her child.  BM, by NOT fighting, failed her child just as much as the permissive father.  Both parents here failed their child.  



whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:18 AM

But there was a good reason - the school district.

I don't know if she would have lost, but that's not really the point. It would have cost her $25,000 and made a big mess of the relationships, trust, etc. So I understand why she didnt' fight it, because even if she had won, there would have been a lot of damage done just by the court case.

Yes, Dad screwed up. I think that is the bottom line.

Quoting looneytunes290:

If dad had the same standards mom did then there wouldn't have been problems. It is good to hear that the legal system is more effective in this area other places than here where we live. They basically let kids choose when they hit about 14 here. All that had to be done is a kid be willing to tell the judge that they want to live at whichever parents house. There has to be a serious reason why in order for the judge not to listen to the kid.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:42 AM
Exactly!! She should have had the parental authority to stem teenage rebellion.

Quoting MojoRsn:

I actually don't think the mom in this scenario is such a great mom. When the 15 year old said he wanted to go to dads, she should have said no. Finish what you started. Quitting in the eleventh hour is hardly finishing.

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looneytunes290
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:53 AM
I agree- and she did. After a kid is a teen here local law enforcement will enforce making a child go back to the custodial parents home if they don't want to. The custodial parent is told to take the other parent back to court to have the co enforced. She actually didn't even let the kid have his clothes - made them buy new. I remember my bil griping about it at the time and me thinking- if I were her I would do the same thing!


Quoting MojoRsn:

I actually don't think the mom in this scenario is such a great mom. When the 15 year old said he wanted to go to dads, she should have said no. Finish what you started. Quitting in the eleventh hour is hardly finishing.


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