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What do you think? Morals v. money.

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We are in the middle of a custody mess. We need to change the wording of our current custody agreement so that the co states dh is domiciliary parent so that sd can stay enrolled at our local school. (Last year bm agreed to change custody so we applied for sd. Upon acceptance bm refused. Now school is insisting it change or ad will be kicked out.) Bm agrees to make dh domiciliary but wants dh to continue paying cs. Sd goes to school in our district and is at our house about 60-75% of the time. Should we just go along with her demands and persue a modification at another time?
by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:01 PM
Replies (11-20):
BluDog
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:30 PM


I'm with you. Not cool.

Quoting faerie75:

In my situation, I wouldn't be cool with it.

Quoting Birdseed:


Having 40% of overnights is not "so little"--it's a lot more than most NCPs have.  Lots of people even in a 50/50 pay CS.  We always did.  It's not just about time, it's also about finances.  


Quoting faerie75:

Fuck no. I wouldn't be cool w paying her greedy ass when she has so little custody.






BluDog
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:34 PM

That's the thing, too...bm makes about three times what we make yet we pay her cs?! At the time of the divorce my husband was all "forget the cheese just get me out of this trap"...here we are, years later and a lot of factors have changed.


Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting faerie75:

In my situation, I wouldn't be cool with it.


Maybe not, but if that's how the law works in your state, that's what you deal with.

The idea of CS is to equalize things between homes.  If there is a major difference in income between the two homes, you typically end up paying CS regardless of how much the kids are with you or how much of the "extra" stuff you're paying for.




BluDog
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:35 PM


Pepper, how did you do that? Was it modified or ordered with the divorce judgement?

Quoting pepper504:

Ex and I have 50/50 with no CS awarded.  We split everything 50/50. 

Quoting Birdseed:


Having 40% of overnights is not "so little"--it's a lot more than most NCPs have.  Lots of people even in a 50/50 pay CS.  We always did.  It's not just about time, it's also about finances.  

Quoting faerie75:

Fuck no. I wouldn't be cool w paying her greedy ass when she has so little custody.






Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:38 PM
1 mom liked this


Then he really needs to talk to an attorney.  No one here can really give you legal advice that will count, ya know?

DH and BM in my sitch had 50/50 ever since their divorce.  There were lots of times when the kids were with us for weeks at a time.  BM was unemployed for most of the time and DH didn't want to pursue legal action, he just kept paying as originally agreed (outside of Friend of the Court, that's why she agreed to 50/50) because he wanted his kids to have reasonable things, a reasonable life--with BM.

He continued doing so even after HE became unemployed.  Very frustrating for me as I felt like (well I was!) supporting ALL of them.

If the CS needs to be modified, it needs to be modified through the usual channels.  Your DH needs to speak to an attorney and figure out how to proceed.


Quoting BluDog:

That's the thing, too...bm makes about three times what we make yet we pay her cs?! At the time of the divorce my husband was all "forget the cheese just get me out of this trap"...here we are, years later and a lot of factors have changed.


Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting faerie75:

In my situation, I wouldn't be cool with it.


Maybe not, but if that's how the law works in your state, that's what you deal with.

The idea of CS is to equalize things between homes.  If there is a major difference in income between the two homes, you typically end up paying CS regardless of how much the kids are with you or how much of the "extra" stuff you're paying for.






BluDog
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:42 PM


Basically, a friend of ours is helping us with this as long as we can all agree. He will not moderate. Part of me wants to say 'fine' and deal with it later. Another part of me wants to tell her...well, you get the idea. Besides, I can't even think of anything she would agree to if she's not getting her monthly check.

Quoting Birdseed:


Then he really needs to talk to an attorney.  No one here can really give you legal advice that will count, ya know?

DH and BM in my sitch had 50/50 ever since their divorce.  There were lots of times when the kids were with us for weeks at a time.  BM was unemployed for most of the time and DH didn't want to pursue legal action, he just kept paying as originally agreed (outside of Friend of the Court, that's why she agreed to 50/50) because he wanted his kids to have reasonable things, a reasonable life--with BM.

He continued doing so even after HE became unemployed.  Very frustrating for me as I felt like (well I was!) supporting ALL of them.

If the CS needs to be modified, it needs to be modified through the usual channels.  Your DH needs to speak to an attorney and figure out how to proceed.


Quoting BluDog:

That's the thing, too...bm makes about three times what we make yet we pay her cs?! At the time of the divorce my husband was all "forget the cheese just get me out of this trap"...here we are, years later and a lot of factors have changed.


Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting faerie75:

In my situation, I wouldn't be cool with it.


Maybe not, but if that's how the law works in your state, that's what you deal with.

The idea of CS is to equalize things between homes.  If there is a major difference in income between the two homes, you typically end up paying CS regardless of how much the kids are with you or how much of the "extra" stuff you're paying for.








Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:49 PM

I think it's time to ditch the "friend" and hire an actual attorney who is fully engaged.

I don't know where you're located and don't need to...but I can tell you that when it comes to modifications in MY experience, having someone who is impartial AND knows the system goes a long way towards cutting out the BS.  

BM may well like the idea of continuing to get X amount of CS each month.  Who wouldn't?  But it may not be the way the law actually works.  So if she really wants to keep her child in the school of choice, if she really IS interested in changing custody, then THAT needs to be the focus first.  The CS will follow and is a different topic altogether.  (in my experience)  Someone (not you, but a professional) needs to have that discussion with BOTH parents.

This child isn't a paycheck or a bargaining chip.  

That said, if BM is close enough to keep the 50/50 and keep the child in school even if DH 's home is considered custodial, then why change?  Our home was the "custodial" home for the purposes of school and it had zero bearing on anything else.  I must be missing something.


Quoting BluDog:


Basically, a friend of ours is helping us with this as long as we can all agree. He will not moderate. Part of me wants to say 'fine' and deal with it later. Another part of me wants to tell her...well, you get the idea. Besides, I can't even think of anything she would agree to if she's not getting her monthly check.

Quoting Birdseed:


Then he really needs to talk to an attorney.  No one here can really give you legal advice that will count, ya know?

DH and BM in my sitch had 50/50 ever since their divorce.  There were lots of times when the kids were with us for weeks at a time.  BM was unemployed for most of the time and DH didn't want to pursue legal action, he just kept paying as originally agreed (outside of Friend of the Court, that's why she agreed to 50/50) because he wanted his kids to have reasonable things, a reasonable life--with BM.

He continued doing so even after HE became unemployed.  Very frustrating for me as I felt like (well I was!) supporting ALL of them.

If the CS needs to be modified, it needs to be modified through the usual channels.  Your DH needs to speak to an attorney and figure out how to proceed.


Quoting BluDog:

That's the thing, too...bm makes about three times what we make yet we pay her cs?! At the time of the divorce my husband was all "forget the cheese just get me out of this trap"...here we are, years later and a lot of factors have changed.


Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting faerie75:

In my situation, I wouldn't be cool with it.


Maybe not, but if that's how the law works in your state, that's what you deal with.

The idea of CS is to equalize things between homes.  If there is a major difference in income between the two homes, you typically end up paying CS regardless of how much the kids are with you or how much of the "extra" stuff you're paying for.










annabl1970
by Gold Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:52 PM
DH's Ex forgets all about morals when it comes to money :(
She will lie cheat forge :(
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 6:53 PM
1 mom liked this
You should get custody changed first, then it would be easier to modify CS.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:09 PM
Well I think that's bullshit because in many cases one parent sits on their lazy ass and has no incentive to better themself. In my case though there isn't a great big income disparity so the parent who has less than half time would t owe the other anything.

Quoting Birdseed:




Quoting faerie75:

In my situation, I wouldn't be cool with it.



Maybe not, but if that's how the law works in your state, that's what you deal with.

The idea of CS is to equalize things between homes.  If there is a major difference in income between the two homes, you typically end up paying CS regardless of how much the kids are with you or how much of the "extra" stuff you're paying for.


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 7:13 PM


I agree with you to be honest.  But the court doesn't seem to care if one parent pretty much chooses not to work.  The focus is on providing for the kids. 

Quoting faerie75:

Well I think that's bullshit because in many cases one parent sits on their lazy ass and has no incentive to better themself. In my case though there isn't a great big income disparity so the parent who has less than half time would t owe the other anything.

Quoting Birdseed:




Quoting faerie75:

In my situation, I wouldn't be cool with it.



Maybe not, but if that's how the law works in your state, that's what you deal with.

The idea of CS is to equalize things between homes.  If there is a major difference in income between the two homes, you typically end up paying CS regardless of how much the kids are with you or how much of the "extra" stuff you're paying for.




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