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she asked if she can call me mama...but then chooses not to. (long)

Posted by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 8:40 PM
  • 16 Replies
So my SD is 6 and I have been in her life for about a year. Her bio mom fell off the face of the planet when she was about a year old and has not been seen or heard from since. She knows her bio moms name and has a few photos of her that she occasionally looks at.
The other day while working on homework she just randomly said out the blue "i feel like your my mom" I was totally caught off guard but managed to tell her that was sweet and give her a hug. The next day she asked if she could call me mom. I told her that was her decision to make and if she wanted to call me mom she could, but she could also continue to call me Theresa. she said ok mama. but then for the rest of the night called me Theresa again. The EXACT same thing almost word for word happened the next day again at homework time. Later that evening her grandmother (dads mom) called to say hello to her. I called her to the phone but didn't tell her who was on the line, I heard her grandma say hey Nevaeh and instantly her face lit up and she shouted HI MOMMY!!! I said no baby its your grannie and you could just see her poor face fall. In the past year I have only heard her mention her bio mom 2 or 3 times and usually its just to say my moms name is .......im thinking though that since she started 1st grade this year she is seeing alot of kids with their moms and has really become aware her bio mom isnt around and she is trying to put it all together. Im just unsure of how to address this. Should we just leave the whole subject alone unless she comes to us about it? Should we bring up the subject of her bio mom to her and tell her why she isn't here? Truthfully we don't know..she just vanished. Does she need couseling?? Is this normal behavior?? I just m in totally new territory and I don't want to mke a mistake that will scar her emotionally later.
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by on Sep. 30, 2013 at 8:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
RaniNY
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 8:42 PM
I don't have an answer, but it's a sad situation. I would discuss it with a professional before it gets to be more of an issue. Poor baby!
ramita
by Silver Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 8:48 PM
I would advise some counseling. I don't believe there is anything wrong with her, but it can help her work through her feelings to better understand them. I think it would be wise after she's had a few visits for y'all to do some family counseling to. I'm sorry your SD is having to deal with that.

I'd also have your DH consider filing for abandonment against the bio mom, and then either she'll step up or you'll be able to adopt.
caligirl7613
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 8:53 PM
Im thinking seeing a couselor may be a good idea for her as well.


Quoting RaniNY:

I don't have an answer, but it's a sad situation. I would discuss it with a professional before it gets to be more of an issue. Poor baby!

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caligirl7613
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:01 PM
No, i dont believe anything is wrong with her I think she is seeing all these other kids with their moms and it has really hit her that her "mommy" isn't here. I told him he needs to go ahead and file for custody and CS against the bio mom (they are still legally married even though she left in 08) its not about the money and we really dont care if we ever see a dime, i just want protection for him and SD so that bio mom cant just show up and snatch her. sadly i dont think i could ever legally adopt her. I was convicted of a felony when i was 21 for check fraud and i believe a felony automatically disqualifies you from ever adopting


Quoting ramita:

I would advise some counseling. I don't believe there is anything wrong with her, but it can help her work through her feelings to better understand them. I think it would be wise after she's had a few visits for y'all to do some family counseling to. I'm sorry your SD is having to deal with that.



I'd also have your DH consider filing for abandonment against the bio mom, and then either she'll step up or you'll be able to adopt.

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RaniNY
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:11 PM
This may not be true if you are adopting within the family. I"d check it out. Alson no matter what, he should file some kind of paper. This site is full of stories of bm's who reappear. The fact he didn't file over the years may make a judge more inclined to consider joint custody.
And I would file for divorce. It doesn't help that they're still legally married.


Quoting caligirl7613:No, i dont believe anything is wrong with her I think she is seeing all these other kids with their moms and it has really hit her that her "mommy" isn't here. I told him he needs to go ahead and file for custody and CS against the bio mom (they are still legally married even though she left in 08) its not about the money and we really dont care if we ever see a dime, i just want protection for him and SD so that bio mom cant just show up and snatch her. sadly i dont think i could ever legally adopt her. I was convicted of a felony when i was 21 for check fraud and i believe a felony automatically disqualifies you from ever adopting


Quoting ramita:I would advise some counseling. I don't believe there is anything wrong with her, but it can help her work through her feelings to better understand them. I think it would be wise after she's had a few visits for y'all to do some family counseling to. I'm sorry your SD is having to deal with that.

I'd also have your DH consider filing for abandonment against the bio mom, and then either she'll step up or you'll be able to adopt.

caligirl7613
by Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:23 PM
our state is awful for allowing parents to show up out of no where after years and allows them to gain custody again. this happened to a good friend of mine, her kids dad showed up at their school showed the school the birth certificate with his name and they legally had to release the kids to him because there was no court papers on file saying mom had custody. when they went to court dad got custody because when they went to court dad had the kids in his physical possession, even though the kids really didnt even know him. in our state more often than not, whoever has the kids actually with them on the day of court get majority custody. I would hate to see this happen to SD or my SO


Quoting RaniNY:

This may not be true if you are adopting within the family. I"d check it out. Alson no matter what, he should file some kind of paper. This site is full of stories of bm's who reappear. The fact he didn't file over the years may make a judge more inclined to consider joint custody.

And I would file for divorce. It doesn't help that they're still legally married.





Quoting caligirl7613:No, i dont believe anything is wrong with her I think she is seeing all these other kids with their moms and it has really hit her that her "mommy" isn't here. I told him he needs to go ahead and file for custody and CS against the bio mom (they are still legally married even though she left in 08) its not about the money and we really dont care if we ever see a dime, i just want protection for him and SD so that bio mom cant just show up and snatch her. sadly i dont think i could ever legally adopt her. I was convicted of a felony when i was 21 for check fraud and i believe a felony automatically disqualifies you from ever adopting





Quoting ramita:I would advise some counseling. I don't believe there is anything wrong with her, but it can help her work through her feelings to better understand them. I think it would be wise after she's had a few visits for y'all to do some family counseling to. I'm sorry your SD is having to deal with that.



I'd also have your DH consider filing for abandonment against the bio mom, and then either she'll step up or you'll be able to adopt.




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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:30 PM
Oh you left out the part about them being married still. I would caution you from letting her call you mommy but that is just me. It sounds like she wants to call you mom but honestly it's going to be an adjustment for her to remember to call you mom since she never has before. I think it would be just fine for her to continue to call what she always has. It is such a sad situation. I can only imagine how confusing it is for her. Actually I do know how it is because I felt the same about my dad except I would see him a couple times a year. The hardest was not seeing HIS parents because I felt extremely attached to them and then they were gone too. I do remember wanting to call my stepdad DAD but he never allowed me to. He always said, I'm just comfortable with Bob. I think that it was hard when I was younger to understand but as I got older it wasn't 'hard' to understand that he didn't need to be called dad to be special to me. It was just me missing having someone to call dad. It saved me from that awkward moment when my dad did come back in to my life and his place was still there for him to slide back in to. Your So does need to get divorced. It's been long enough. He has moved on. He needs to get that ball rolling so that he can end that chapter of his life.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:32 PM
Texas will not allow a Felon to do a stepparent adoption. I am not sure what state OP is in but my husband had to pass an FBI background check and could not have any felonies.


Quoting RaniNY:

This may not be true if you are adopting within the family. I"d check it out. Alson no matter what, he should file some kind of paper. This site is full of stories of bm's who reappear. The fact he didn't file over the years may make a judge more inclined to consider joint custody.

And I would file for divorce. It doesn't help that they're still legally married.





Quoting caligirl7613:No, i dont believe anything is wrong with her I think she is seeing all these other kids with their moms and it has really hit her that her "mommy" isn't here. I told him he needs to go ahead and file for custody and CS against the bio mom (they are still legally married even though she left in 08) its not about the money and we really dont care if we ever see a dime, i just want protection for him and SD so that bio mom cant just show up and snatch her. sadly i dont think i could ever legally adopt her. I was convicted of a felony when i was 21 for check fraud and i believe a felony automatically disqualifies you from ever adopting





Quoting ramita:I would advise some counseling. I don't believe there is anything wrong with her, but it can help her work through her feelings to better understand them. I think it would be wise after she's had a few visits for y'all to do some family counseling to. I'm sorry your SD is having to deal with that.



I'd also have your DH consider filing for abandonment against the bio mom, and then either she'll step up or you'll be able to adopt.




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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:34 PM

When you say she just vanished, what do you  mean? Did they file a missing persons report? Do they suspect foul play? Do you think she is dead or alive?

ramita
by Silver Member on Sep. 30, 2013 at 9:39 PM
He should get a lawyer ASAP and file the appropriate papers including divorce. I'm not sure, but filing for temporary custody, and then moving into full custody may be his best route. I would make sure he talks to a lawyer about this.


Quoting caligirl7613:our state is awful for allowing parents to show up out of no where after years and allows them to gain custody again. this happened to a good friend of mine, her kids dad showed up at their school showed the school the birth certificate with his name and they legally had to release the kids to him because there was no court papers on file saying mom had custody. when they went to court dad got custody because when they went to court dad had the kids in his physical possession, even though the kids really didnt even know him. in our state more often than not, whoever has the kids actually with them on the day of court get majority custody. I would hate to see this happen to SD or my SO


Quoting RaniNY:This may not be true if you are adopting within the family. I"d check it out. Alson no matter what, he should file some kind of paper. This site is full of stories of bm's who reappear. The fact he didn't file over the years may make a judge more inclined to consider joint custody.
And I would file for divorce. It doesn't help that they're still legally married.


Quoting caligirl7613:No, i dont believe anything is wrong with her I think she is seeing all these other kids with their moms and it has really hit her that her "mommy" isn't here. I told him he needs to go ahead and file for custody and CS against the bio mom (they are still legally married even though she left in 08) its not about the money and we really dont care if we ever see a dime, i just want protection for him and SD so that bio mom cant just show up and snatch her. sadly i dont think i could ever legally adopt her. I was convicted of a felony when i was 21 for check fraud and i believe a felony automatically disqualifies you from ever adopting


Quoting ramita:I would advise some counseling. I don't believe there is anything wrong with her, but it can help her work through her feelings to better understand them. I think it would be wise after she's had a few visits for y'all to do some family counseling to. I'm sorry your SD is having to deal with that.

I'd also have your DH consider filing for abandonment against the bio mom, and then either she'll step up or you'll be able to adopt.



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