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transitioning back and forth

Posted by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 10:38 AM
  • 24 Replies

Any suggestions on making the transition from BM house to ours smoother? We are CP btw. Our  homes are very different, and I find that one of the boys has a much harder time with the transition back and forth. He comes back very argumentative and rude most times. (Within 24 hours, he is usually back to his sweet self.) DH isn't always here when the boys come back (he is at work), and by the time he gets home the house is typically not very comfortable for anyone.

Anything you ladies use to help your sk's transition go more smoothly?

by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 10:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
DDDaysh
by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 11:02 AM
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Could you delay the transitions until your DH is able to be home?  

3sillykids
by Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 11:07 AM

not really, since I pick them up from school and he isn't off work for another 2 hours. But it is still the same when he gets home. It isn't directed only at me, it is at all of us in the house, including DH.

crysiann
by Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 11:08 AM

The transition period is rough for us too. I havent come up with anything to great. We just talk to ss and remind him of our rules. Over the years, my step sons mom has begun to understand the need for consistency, so, our rules have become a little more similar, that has helped. Other than that, just being patient during the transition period is all I can do.Good Luck!

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 11:10 AM

SD tends to have some issues after coming home from BM's house. She started counseling about a year ago and that's been VERY helpful. Her attitude mostly comes from not really having a good time with BM, and not being able to take her frustrations out on BM because she's too scared to do so. So, when she gets home, DH and I get to be the ones who deal with her frustration and anger. It's gotten a bit better over the last several months, but when she's had a bad visit, we definitely have issues for the first day or so that she's home.

DDDaysh
by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 11:15 AM
2 moms liked this

Then I'd just make "transition day" a nothing day.  Avoid putting any expectations on him that aren't absolutely necessary and let him have lots of alone time.  

Quoting 3sillykids:

not really, since I pick them up from school and he isn't off work for another 2 hours. But it is still the same when he gets home. It isn't directed only at me, it is at all of us in the house, including DH.


1stinkerbelle
by Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 11:26 AM

 I feel your pain.  SS5 has similar issues when he comes back from his mom's house.  Hubby is CP.  BM only sees SS 6 days out of the month.  SS comes back a completly different kiddo.  BM doesn't offer him any structure or consistency at her home.  She's a Disneyland mom.  All fun and games.  No rules. Just lets him do whatever the hell she lets him do. Tells him his daddy is mean to him, etc.  It takes a few hours after he comes back home to settle down again.  It's a struggle, but we are aware that it's a transition period for him.  It's all a learning process for me, hubby and SS.

Just remind the boys of the rules in your house and always let them know that you love them and care for them.  Maybe give them a little space when they return to settle down and in again. 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 12:25 PM
2 moms liked this

 24 hours is pretty good. keep doing what youre doing.

Annawest
by on Oct. 3, 2013 at 12:41 PM

We have this issue too with both the boys.  His and mine.  How old are the boys?  Ours are 7 (his) and 8 (mine).  We read through the house rules and whenever one of them gets a little too cranky, (not following rules, arguing, being mean to the other etc) we have them go upstairs until they chose to follow the rules and be nice to people.  It works extremely quickly. I think the reason it works for us because it is NOT a time out, it's as soon as YOU make the choice you can come back downstairs/do whatever it was that you were doing.  Then it becomes their choice to follow the rules, not us being "mean" and forcing them to follow the rules. 

Another thing we have been doing, is the boys have a neighborhood friend that misses them so much when the boys are gone.  He runs over first thing when my son gets back home, it works for us to let them play with the neighborhood kids.  It gets them back into our house, our rules, while doing something they want to do.  It makes transitions much easier for us.

Kat31
by Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 2:18 PM
Both of our children have a bit of difficulty coming back from their other parent's houses. They both come back at 6:00 on Sundays when both of us are home. Usually instead of jumping into 'family mode' right away, I usually take my son for a ride, get something to eat etc. or he will take his son somewhere and we have a little 'alone' time before getting back in the swing of things with all 6 of us.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Oct. 3, 2013 at 2:24 PM
1 mom liked this

24 hours is pretty good!

We did 50/50 so there was a transition every Friday.  We started creating a routine to help hit the ol' "reset button".  TACO FRIDAY!  

Every Friday, the kids would come home from school, they were basically given a pass to do nothing but hang, then we'd all make dinner together, sit down, and talk about the plans for the next week and the expectations.  Establishing that routine really did seem to help.  Before Taco Friday, we spent most of the weekend trying to get back on track.  After Taco Friday, we could wrap up with dinner and be on the same page.

Routines do work.

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