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Meeting BM

Posted by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 2:32 AM
  • 18 Replies

I have yet to meet my boyfriend's exwife and mother of his 4 boys.  We've been dating since May and I met the kids in July.  I spend my weekends there (long distance - 2 hour drive) and plan to move there after I graduate nursing school in the spring.  I'm not "above" meeting her, but I'm also wondering how much effort I should put into it.  With working full time, school full time, and helping with kids and BF (he's CP) on the weekends, I really don't have time.  When he takes them to their mother's I'm usually in school, and when he goes to pick them up, I usually have to get back home for work.  BM is 2 hours from BF in the other direction.  IMO, if it happens, it happens.  I don't feel it's my job to push it.  It's my job to not fight it.  Opinions?

I guess I should also add that BM doesn't have a reliable vehicle to come pick up the children.  It is ordered that she have them every other weekend and they each pick up their kids (she picks up Friday to take to her home, he picks them up Sunday to bring back home).  BF has told BM that if she relies on him to drop them off, he will bring them only when it is convenient for him, which has been once a month since June. 

by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 2:32 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 6:55 AM

There is really no reason for you to meet your boyfriend's ex. I guess if she's interested in meeting you she'll let you know.


momofthecrew4
by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 7:01 AM

When my husband and I were just dating, his ex attempted to make all kinds of trouble for him by using excuses like she didn't want their daughter around me because she didn't know me, etc.  I invited her over to MY home, to be polite, let her stay for 3 hours and watch how I interact with her daughter.  She saw everything from me preparing lunch, to working on potty training, nap time, etc.  I didn't have a problem with it, at the time, because I was trying to make things as easy as possible for everyone.  However, as soon as she got herself a BF, she wouldn't even tell us his last name (by this time we were married).  Anyway, I don't feel like it is your responsibility to meet her.  I think that is up to each individual person and their situation.  Best of luck with whatever you decide :)

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 7:37 AM
I wouldn't worry about meeting her.
shanlee42
by Silver Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 7:53 AM
This! Only if mom asks. Keep in mind she may ask especially if you are moving in.

Quoting whatIknownow:

There is really no reason for you to meet your boyfriend's ex. I guess if she's interested in meeting you she'll let you know.


Birdseed
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 10:25 AM

I wouldn't worry about meeting her.  It will happen when it happens.  


pepper504
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 10:26 AM

I'm a BM first, SM second.  My thoughts on this are this, if BM wants to meet you, then that is great.  Be cordial like you would be to anyone that you are meeting for the first time.  If BM doesn't want to meet you, it's no big deal.

As a BM, I got along with my ex's then wife.  He now has a GF (whom he has a child with) and I get along with the GF.  Didn't at first, but that was more on her than me.  After she had their baby, I guess something clicked in her head and we've been chatty when we are around each other. 

As a SM, I've never formally met BM.  She's a peach (being totally sarcastic there).  I do not talk to BM nor do I have anything to do with her.  If I *have* to be around her, she is ignored.  She does not exist.  

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 10:41 AM

Has BM said anything about wanting to meet you?

If not? I wouldn't worry about it.

SteeleJ
by Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 1:12 PM

I have never met BM face to face nor talked to her and I have been in the picture for 4 years. I wouldn't worry about meeting her unless she requests it.

looneytunes290
by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 1:35 PM

I would not try to meet her- probably the longer you can go without it the better off you are- seriously-- especially in your situation.  There is no reason for her to meet you.  I am a BM and an SM.  As an SM I wish I had never met my skids mom- there is just no reason to.  As a BM I have met SM- and while I am fine with her- really I am completely indifferent to whether she is around or not.  Like- it's about the same as if DH had a buddy with him- ya know? Soooo- that is why I for sure wouldn't inconvenience myself with it.

looneytunes290
by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 1:38 PM

and remember... even if she wants to meet you- you don't HAVE to meet her- unless there is some weird CO in place or something. 

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