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This is very long: What should I do? I'm stuck, confused, and worried!

Posted by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 10:33 PM
  • 86 Replies

This past weekend was like no other.  SD came to us underfed (it was 12:30-1p and she hadn't ate anything all day), clothed in stained and small clothing, pee stained underwear (she's 7 and her underwear was 4T...the ones we bought her 4 years ago), nails are always dirty and long....

WELL, she kept talking about how she didn't want to just stay the weekend with us she wanted to stay longer.  We've been through this.  We will talk to her mom about her request and then she is so scared of her mom that she says she didn't say that and that I (who barely talks to her...she discusses such things with her father not me...or she will come up and say random things like that to me with DH present).

THEN....the day she was to leave my oldest DS ran in the living room and told DH that SD handed my YDS (who is younger than SD) a toy sword and wanted him to shove it up his butt.  She was serious.  She wasn't cussing at him, she literally wanted YDS to put the toy up his butt.  When questioned by DH, SD said she saw it on a movie at her moms house.  I am still livid.  I am protective of my children and love SD too.  I want to protect them all.  She is 7.  It isn't her fault and I know this.  But what do we do?

DH has had to talk (....we will say talk) about something he had walked in on while picking up his DD when she was 2 or 3.  BM was not yet married to step dad but was dating him.  Step dad and BM had porn mags EVERYWHERE, a bong on the coffee table, and beer bottles everywhere.  She made up some excuse about the beer bottles being evidence for a case the step dad had against his x.  Saying the x claimed step dad beat her so severely that she had liver damage and that the beer bottles had DNA on it proving that the x was an alcoholic and that is where her liver damage came from....  BS BS BS  BM thinks everyone is as stupid as she is and that everyone will believe her many many many lies (they are truly never ending....she lies about religion, etc...petty things that no one would normally lie about...she does it just to lie).  Anyhoos.... DH smashed the bong against the wall and told her if she didn't clean up and keep that crap away from his daughter that he would take her to court and take her away so she wouldn't have to live like that and be exposed to that.

Within the year I caught her crawl into bed with my oldest DS.  She didn't think I could hear her.  But I heard her walk into the room...thank God for hard wood floors.  I caught her right when she did it.  Luckily Oldest DS never woke up.  It would have scared him so bad.  She just laid there but I wouldn't put it past BM to have told her to do something like that.  I found that odd and disturbing....she acted like she was asleep...I know the difference in a sleeping kid and one faking it.  I made her get back in her bed...asked why she got in bed with him and she said she didn't.  She lies a lot too. SMH.

This is not the first time SD has said some unbelievable, disturbing things to DH.  She cried once spilling it all to DH about how her step dad beats her...she had the bruises to prove it...some in questionable places.  She began wetting the bed....peeing in the middle of my hallway once in the late morning for no reason, crying uncontrollably, making herself throw up, not wanting to eat because she didn't "want to get fat...this all started at age 6.  We told the lawyer everything, documented everything, but was told by the lawyer NOT to contact CPS, saying that is the last thing CPS wants in a custody battle and that they will see dh as being unfit and not looking out in SD's best interest.

Our lawyer said not to contact CPS, then said he was calling CPS, then told us to call CPS....then a mutual friend said to send pics to her next time with a neutral background and that she would call CPS.

We are so confused.  After this I wanted to call CPS myself, to protect my children.  This is all getting  out of hand.  BM only sees SD on Sat. mornings and Sundays, Step dad only watches SD on Monday nights, and the rest of the time SD is with another babysitter (she has had tons). DH wants her more (we use to keep her 2-3 weeks out of every month for three years...she did great then...no issues)  However, BM took her away every end of August so that she would not have to share holidays.  DH and BM were only in a 2 mo. relationship in high school and never married.  There was no custody arrangement.  She would take DH and we would always get her back in February....last year was the first yr. DH ever got SD on the holidays.  That was because we took her to court and got an arrangement since she had taken her away the year prior, stating step dad was her "new dad" and that we would never see her again.  DH had filed to pay child support when she was a baby BM wouldn't cooperate and CS closed the case.  He is and always has been a great dad.  BM's exact words were "if you don'tget back with me then you won't see your daughter" 

I personally feel that we have a crappy ass lawyer.  We have tried being nice for years.  It looks awesome in court when the parties try to work together for the Best interest of the child...and that is what we want...we want what is best for SD.  But things are getting and have been Nuts for the last two years.  Enough is enough.  The problem is...what do we do?  Will CPS do anything?  Are our complaints legit?  I'm concerned for my children and I have a baby on the way.  SD needs counseling.  BM has lied for the last 1 1/2 yrs. saying she would put her in counselingand hasn't.  This month she said her first appointment would be on the 11th, but then less than a week after telling DH this said she had been going for two weeks prior.

BM is a pathological liar and we really really feel she needs a psych evaluation.  SD and I have a great relationship.  She is a sweet little girl and doesn't deserve any of this.  I don't want a stigma haunting her because of innocent actions she plays out, due to the crap she sees at BMs.  My children aren't allowed alone around SD.  I feel until SD gets real help and is away from BM she does not have a chance of being normal, and I don't feel safe with her being around my DS's.  SD is jealous of YDS and will be super jealous of the new baby...she wants more time here and with DH, but can't because of her mom. 

A note...her mom has never cared who takes SD.  We found out that the "babysitter" had raised SD since she was born until age 3 when they moved 3 hrs. away.  We knew none of this because any time DH would call to pick up SD  Bmwould just say they were having "family time" or had plans...the whole time SD was with the "sitter".  We found that out when SD was 5.  We were shocked at all that had happened without DH's knowledge.  Sitter thought DH was the deadbeat BM said he was...she played everyone.  Pictures, stories, med. records, all came out showing abuse to SD and a cover up by BM and step dad. CPS was called on BM and Dh was never notified by them because BM has unknownon the birth certificate. DH took BM to court right when he found out...we've had the same lawyer the whole time.  We have spent thousands and don't have a lot of money right now.

 

There is sooooo much more (Dh wasn't told when sd was born, didn't get to see her until she was three months old, etc.).  But for now we need to know what to do to help SD, protect our family, and make sure that SD isn't abused, neglected, etc any more.  How can we do this without it looking bad on us in court.  Will calling CPS make us look bad in court?  I mean that is what the lawyer said, but he stands a lot to gain by stringing us along...as he already has.  What do we do.  Sorry for all the back ground info. But I really don't want anyone to think that I'm bashing BM for no reason.  I'm a bm and sm.  I know my boundaries, respect them, but love my family.  I want whats best for everyone.  Honestly DH is so confused he doesn't know what to do.  He has even asked me what to do.  He is at a loss for words.  More and more unbelievable things keep happening.  The words molested never came out of his mouth until this past visit....when SD told my YDS to do that and it all came out and was explained to DH, he told me that he believes now that SD is for sure being molested and he doesn't know by who. 

Advice, please!?  Court is so freaking expensive and that is the only thing that halted our previous attempt to get full custody.  We've had so many road blocks and extra expenses related to SD that postponed our efforts of going to court full force.  Example:  BM would not take SD to the Pediatrician for a variety of health issues (she let her have strep for 2 wks before we had to have a court order to make her go to the doc., she banned DH from getting her med. records and access to SD'sschool and we had to take her to court for that, then child support court-DH is trying to pay BM and BM wont take it even though it is in the custody arrangement and each court visit is 300...that's once a month for the last year, then she is being difficult signing the cs papers....which cost more....OOOOHHH and Bm doesn't have a lawyer...it shouldn't be this difficult...but BM is determined to make it difficult and our lawyer is willing to make as many extra calls and court visits because he is racking up on this.  The lawyer has even said we have a GREAT case and that we will be getting sole custody once we go to court.... THEN he said, well lets do joint so you can get more proof and documentation then we will go for sole custody.  wtf.  This little girl has serious issues going on.

Sorry for the vent too.... to wrap it up HELP!  Sorry for typos too...I rush when I'm pissed, confused, etc.

by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 10:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 10:41 PM

Did I read that right that it "disturbed" you that your SD crawled into bed and laid down with what I assume is her half brother?

tyely
by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:02 PM

 


Quoting soonergirl980:

Did I read that right that it "disturbed" you that your SD crawled into bed and laid down with what I assume is her half brother?


 Yes, only because she acted odd about it.  She is 7 and he is 9.  He never woke up, but she acted like she did something wrong and lied about it.  She said she didn't get in bed with him and pretended to be asleep.  I only asked if she was ok (thought she may have had a bad dream), and she said she didn't get in bed with him...while she was getting out of the bed.  She didn't do anything other than lay back to back with him.  But this child has seen A LOT more than most 7 year olds have seen.  When she lied about it and acted like she was sneaking to do something a red flag came up and it just didn't seem right.  She said she didn't have a bad dream or anything.  It was odd, and in all these years she has never done anything like that.

 

kristinbugg
by on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:26 PM
She may have acted like she had done something wrong because you gave her that impression. I see nothing wrong or disturbing about a seven year old crawling into bed with her nine year old brother.


Quoting tyely:

 




Quoting soonergirl980:


Did I read that right that it "disturbed" you that your SD crawled into bed and laid down with what I assume is her half brother?




 Yes, only because she acted odd about it.  She is 7 and he is 9.  He never woke up, but she acted like she did something wrong and lied about it.  She said she didn't get in bed with him and pretended to be asleep.  I only asked if she was ok (thought she may have had a bad dream), and she said she didn't get in bed with him...while she was getting out of the bed.  She didn't do anything other than lay back to back with him.  But this child has seen A LOT more than most 7 year olds have seen.  When she lied about it and acted like she was sneaking to do something a red flag came up and it just didn't seem right.  She said she didn't have a bad dream or anything.  It was odd, and in all these years she has never done anything like that.


 


SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:29 PM
3 moms liked this
Call CPS and get a new lawyer.
sterlingsmom04
by New Member on Oct. 4, 2013 at 11:48 PM
1 mom liked this
Càll CPS it won't end well if you knew.......good luck mama
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Oct. 5, 2013 at 12:13 AM


That fact that you find a child laying with her brother disturbing makes me think the rest of your post is hyperbole seriously???

Quoting tyely:



Quoting soonergirl980:

Did I read that right that it "disturbed" you that your SD crawled into bed and laid down with what I assume is her half brother?


 Yes, only because she acted odd about it.  She is 7 and he is 9.  He never woke up, but she acted like she did something wrong and lied about it.  She said she didn't get in bed with him and pretended to be asleep.  I only asked if she was ok (thought she may have had a bad dream), and she said she didn't get in bed with him...while she was getting out of the bed.  She didn't do anything other than lay back to back with him.  But this child has seen A LOT more than most 7 year olds have seen.  When she lied about it and acted like she was sneaking to do something a red flag came up and it just didn't seem right.  She said she didn't have a bad dream or anything.  It was odd, and in all these years she has never done anything like that.




tyely
by on Oct. 5, 2013 at 12:21 AM

 

I don't see how I could have possibly given her that impression.  I heard a noise, and went to check on them.  I was more concerned than anything and when her Dad found out he is the one that raised questions, as it is not normal behavior for her.  I asked her if she was ok.  She faked being asleep when I walked in.  I said Hey are you ok, did you have a bad dream.  she said no, and then I asked then why she crawled in bed with ds.  She said she didn't.  I told her well, lets go get you in your bed.  I don't see how anything I did could have been construed as anything but concerned. 

I see something wrong with a seven year old girl who is suspected of being abused getting in bed with my ds, who is not her brother (dh is not his father), and who a few months later tries to get my YDS to shove something up his butt for fun...If you see nothing wrong with that than I feel sorry for any child placed under your care.  As I have said there is A LOT to this childs PAST (things that have happened previously) and behavior that is not normal for a seven year old.  Much of it we were unaware of until this past year...when we received medical records etc.  And as I stated before if this were a "normal" situation I would see nothing wrong with a NORMAL seven year old girl crawling in bed with a nine year old "brother" figure.  I am not stupid, have taken many psychology and child development courses as it was a part of my studies, and am aware that it is normal for a child to do that...it could be a security thing. I do have a history with children and know what is normal and what isn't.  I did nothing about that incident, just became more watchful.  If it is a security thing however and she has NO past of doing this... it is reason for concern...she has never co-slept with her parents, her sisters, DH, me, no one....she sleeps alone and always has.  We were told by her docs to watch for things of that nature.  It shows something is bothering her.

I love and have had a relationship with this sweet little girl for many years.  Her BM and step dad have many issues,  mental, drug, abuse, neglect, etc.  To explain it all would require writing a book.  I gave a brief description of my concern for my SD and my children.  This little girl needs help and we are trying to figure out the "right" way to get it for her.  She loves her mom, wants a relationship with her, but her mom allows the step dad to do things to and around her that no mom should ever allow.  She lives in a different county and moves to hide from DSS.  That is what this post is about...not about if it is right or not for me to find it disturbing, because whatever anyone says I know this little girl and what behavior is normal and not normal for her, and DH and I will be disturbed and concerned about any odd behavior our children display, especially SD who is in a horrible situation and has the history that she has.

The reason for my questioning this group is because as step parents these women have had a history with legal processes, abuive BM's, CPS, Bio children, etc...and that is what I need help with.  The family (mine and Dh's) who have been around SD are telling me to keep my children away from her, to protect them from her,  and to me that seems wrong and mean to isolate her from them, but I do want to protect them as well.  DH and I want the proper legal procedures to be taken and to be taken quickly so that SD is not placed in these situations longer than she has to and so that she can get the help she needs.  We are trying to figure out what the proper procedures are, because we are not getting straight answers from our long term lawyer, who we believe is just trying to suck us dry at this point.


 

Quoting kristinbugg:

She may have acted like she had done something wrong because you gave her that impression. I see nothing wrong or disturbing about a seven year old crawling into bed with her nine year old brother.


Quoting tyely:

 


 


Quoting soonergirl980:


Did I read that right that it "disturbed" you that your SD crawled into bed and laid down with what I assume is her half brother?


 


 Yes, only because she acted odd about it.  She is 7 and he is 9.  He never woke up, but she acted like she did something wrong and lied about it.  She said she didn't get in bed with him and pretended to be asleep.  I only asked if she was ok (thought she may have had a bad dream), and she said she didn't get in bed with him...while she was getting out of the bed.  She didn't do anything other than lay back to back with him.  But this child has seen A LOT more than most 7 year olds have seen.  When she lied about it and acted like she was sneaking to do something a red flag came up and it just didn't seem right.  She said she didn't have a bad dream or anything.  It was odd, and in all these years she has never done anything like that.


 



 

kristinbugg
by on Oct. 5, 2013 at 12:28 AM
And instead of having ulterior motives, the child could have been simply scared from a bad dream, the dark or any number of things.


Quoting tyely:

 


I don't see how I could have possibly given her that impression.  I heard a noise, and went to check on them.  I was more concerned than anything and when her Dad found out he is the one that raised questions, as it is not normal behavior for her.  I asked her if she was ok.  She faked being asleep when I walked in.  I said Hey are you ok, did you have a bad dream.  she said no, and then I asked then why she crawled in bed with ds.  She said she didn't.  I told her well, lets go get you in your bed.  I don't see how anything I did could have been construed as anything but concerned. 


I see something wrong with a seven year old girl who is suspected of being abused getting in bed with my ds, who is not her brother (dh is not his father), and who a few months later tries to get my YDS to shove something up his butt for fun...If you see nothing wrong with that than I feel sorry for any child placed under your care.  As I have said there is A LOT to this childs PAST (things that have happened previously) and behavior that is not normal for a seven year old.  Much of it we were unaware of until this past year...when we received medical records etc.  And as I stated before if this were a "normal" situation I would see nothing wrong with a NORMAL seven year old girl crawling in bed with a nine year old "brother" figure.  I am not stupid, have taken many psychology and child development courses as it was a part of my studies, and am aware that it is normal for a child to do that...it could be a security thing. I do have a history with children and know what is normal and what isn't.  I did nothing about that incident, just became more watchful.  If it is a security thing however and she has NO past of doing this... it is reason for concern...she has never co-slept with her parents, her sisters, DH, me, no one....she sleeps alone and always has.  We were told by her docs to watch for things of that nature.  It shows something is bothering her.


I love and have had a relationship with this sweet little girl for many years.  Her BM and step dad have many issues,  mental, drug, abuse, neglect, etc.  To explain it all would require writing a book.  I gave a brief description of my concern for my SD and my children.  This little girl needs help and we are trying to figure out the "right" way to get it for her.  She loves her mom, wants a relationship with her, but her mom allows the step dad to do things to and around her that no mom should ever allow.  She lives in a different county and moves to hide from DSS.  That is what this post is about...not about if it is right or not for me to find it disturbing, because whatever anyone says I know this little girl and what behavior is normal and not normal for her, and DH and I will be disturbed and concerned about any odd behavior our children display, especially SD who is in a horrible situation and has the history that she has.


The reason for my questioning this group is because as step parents these women have had a history with legal processes, abuive BM's, CPS, Bio children, etc...and that is what I need help with.  The family (mine and Dh's) who have been around SD are telling me to keep my children away from her, to protect them from her,  and to me that seems wrong and mean to isolate her from them, but I do want to protect them as well.  DH and I want the proper legal procedures to be taken and to be taken quickly so that SD is not placed in these situations longer than she has to and so that she can get the help she needs.  We are trying to figure out what the proper procedures are, because we are not getting straight answers from our long term lawyer, who we believe is just trying to suck us dry at this point.



 


Quoting kristinbugg:

She may have acted like she had done something wrong because you gave her that impression. I see nothing wrong or disturbing about a seven year old crawling into bed with her nine year old brother.



Quoting tyely:


 



 



Quoting soonergirl980:



Did I read that right that it "disturbed" you that your SD crawled into bed and laid down with what I assume is her half brother?



 



 Yes, only because she acted odd about it.  She is 7 and he is 9.  He never woke up, but she acted like she did something wrong and lied about it.  She said she didn't get in bed with him and pretended to be asleep.  I only asked if she was ok (thought she may have had a bad dream), and she said she didn't get in bed with him...while she was getting out of the bed.  She didn't do anything other than lay back to back with him.  But this child has seen A LOT more than most 7 year olds have seen.  When she lied about it and acted like she was sneaking to do something a red flag came up and it just didn't seem right.  She said she didn't have a bad dream or anything.  It was odd, and in all these years she has never done anything like that.



 





 


jeniemarie
by Member on Oct. 5, 2013 at 12:29 AM
1 mom liked this
call cps. we were told that it is worse on us if cps ends up getting involved and we knew and didnt call in. now whether or not theyll act on it depends, but if you have as much documentation as you say then they should. also any lawyer that says not ta call cps when there is documented abuse needs looked at. call cps and get a new lawyer and see about getting her into some kind of counseling please she needs some help
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tyely
by on Oct. 5, 2013 at 12:34 AM

 

I find her behavior behind it disturbing...the lying, the faking being asleep, etc.  I walked in right after she laid down.  Her dad is the one that raised questions because she has never slept with anyone.  She didn't co sleep with her parents, siblings, anyone.  My DS is not her bio brother either.  People keep saying that.  They don't have the same father.  And I really don't care what you think of my whole post...the fact you are taking one thing in my post and blowing it up as an issue makes me not take your opinion too seriously.  My issue with her getting in bed with him is her lying about it and acting strange about it.   DH and I are concerned about her changing, odd behavior.  And it is progressing.  As I have stated I have known this sweet little girl for many years, and the more issues with her BM and Step dad that come up, the more she acts out in odd ways.  If she is laying with my DS for security issues, it shows she has security issues and that is disturbing and concerning, it shows something is going on with her, something is bothering her.  I don't see anything confusing about that, given her previous history and given the things that occurred after that incident.

Quoting soonergirl980:

 

That fact that you find a child laying with her brother disturbing makes me think the rest of your post is hyperbole seriously???

Quoting tyely:

 

 

Quoting soonergirl980:

Did I read that right that it "disturbed" you that your SD crawled into bed and laid down with what I assume is her half brother?

 

 Yes, only because she acted odd about it.  She is 7 and he is 9.  He never woke up, but she acted like she did something wrong and lied about it.  She said she didn't get in bed with him and pretended to be asleep.  I only asked if she was ok (thought she may have had a bad dream), and she said she didn't get in bed with him...while she was getting out of the bed.  She didn't do anything other than lay back to back with him.  But this child has seen A LOT more than most 7 year olds have seen.  When she lied about it and acted like she was sneaking to do something a red flag came up and it just didn't seem right.  She said she didn't have a bad dream or anything.  It was odd, and in all these years she has never done anything like that.

 

 

 


 

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