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Wish I knew a psychic!

Posted by on Oct. 5, 2013 at 7:29 PM
  • 14 Replies

BM and SD's relationship is in the toilet. BM chose not to contact SD for TWO MONTHS...8.5 weeks of no phone calls, no texts, no communication.  BM likes to act like a teenager and pout and be stupid. Out of the blue BM texts DH and tells him that SD has to call her as soon as she gets home from school. DH wasn't home so that wasn't possible he texted back and told her that. She demands to know what time he will be home so SD will call her. 


Aa couple hours later DH gets home and SD calls her. BM acts like she just talked to her last week. SD who is a teenager went off on BM. She wanted to know why it took her two months to call her. BM said well you could have called me...SD responded saying she was the last person to make contact, that she texted her two months ago and was waiting to see how long it took her to actually call/text/contact her. SD ended up telling BM she was done with her and then hung up on her. Obviously there was more to the conversation - about 10 minutes worth actually.


I just wish I knew how this was all going to play out. I am proud of SD for standing up for herself and telling BM how she feels. SD has just swallowed her pride and feelings for a long time where BM is concerned. BM has treated her poorly and chosen men over her daughter numerous times. I just wonder what will happen now.

by on Oct. 5, 2013 at 7:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by Amy on Oct. 6, 2013 at 3:26 PM

Big (((HUGS))) for your stepdaughter!  I'm glad she stood up for herself.

packermomof2
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 7:12 PM

Stay out of it.  As a mom whose ex does that to my kids I say that with experience.  Don't worry about it.  Don't think about it.  The kids will handle it themselves at some point, like your SK did.  Mom will get her feelings hurt, but oh well. 

My ex punishes the kids when he feels they've hurt his feelings even though they are ignored for months at a time.  Kids have stopped caring as much as they used to... he has brought this on himself, just like your SKs mom has and now the parent has to lie in the bed they made.

bellasmom32510
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 7:16 PM

I know what you are saying is true. This has been coming for years now, it doesn't make it any easier for SD though. She doesn't see BM as her mom any more, I am mom. I know that is one of the things that makes BM angry but honestly she has done it to herself by the choices she has made. I just wish SD didn't have to go through this, it sucks!


Quoting packermomof2:

Stay out of it.  As a mom whose ex does that to my kids I say that with experience.  Don't worry about it.  Don't think about it.  The kids will handle it themselves at some point, like your SK did.  Mom will get her feelings hurt, but oh well. 

My ex punishes the kids when he feels they've hurt his feelings even though they are ignored for months at a time.  Kids have stopped caring as much as they used to... he has brought this on himself, just like your SKs mom has and now the parent has to lie in the bed they made.



momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Oct. 6, 2013 at 8:41 PM
This is my life with my father. He always does the 'you could have called me first' thing. I've been dealing with this for 15 years as an adult... And it hasn't changed. How does it play out? Sd either gets over it and moves on with her life without her mother or she gets therapy and still moves on with her life. OR she does what my sister does and she just accepts that she has to be the one to make the contact and lets it go, continuing to build a relationship with her mother, but it will be solely on sd to make contact with her mom. But she has to be able to accept that this is how it is.

There is nothing you can do. You can't fix it or change it or anything. I always would get frustrated when my mom would give me advice. All I wanted was for her to be there for me and listen. Not try to fix it.
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Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Oct. 6, 2013 at 8:49 PM
1 mom liked this

First off, it's nice to hear your SD has a supportive person in her life like you. Second, I don't think you should "stay out of it" since you have been in her life for so long. You just staying out of it says what to your SD...? That you don't care either. I don't understand that thought that some of these women have. Yes, it's SD's and BM's issues, but it sounds like you are doing a good job supporting her emotionally. Be there for her emotionally and for advice. I feel bad for kids who have wacky parents like that.

lexiesstepmommy
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 8:49 PM
I think you have every right to talk to her about her mother. She probably needs that. All too often SM needs to step in and be the parent BM should be but obviously can't. But don't say anything negative about BM to SD. Just listen to SD if she talks to you.
bellasmom32510
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 8:54 PM

Thank you. As a mom you want to fix it, but I know I can't. I am always here for her and she knows it. I think she will ultimately choose option 3 but her communication with her will be extremely limited.


Quoting momof2ex1:

This is my life with my father. He always does the 'you could have called me first' thing. I've been dealing with this for 15 years as an adult... And it hasn't changed. How does it play out? Sd either gets over it and moves on with her life without her mother or she gets therapy and still moves on with her life. OR she does what my sister does and she just accepts that she has to be the one to make the contact and lets it go, continuing to build a relationship with her mother, but it will be solely on sd to make contact with her mom. But she has to be able to accept that this is how it is.

There is nothing you can do. You can't fix it or change it or anything. I always would get frustrated when my mom would give me advice. All I wanted was for her to be there for me and listen. Not try to fix it.



bellasmom32510
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 8:59 PM
1 mom liked this

I have actually defended BM to some degree on a few occassions but it is hard honestly. SD will say something like BM must not love me, and I will tell her that I am sure that isn't the case she may just not know how to relate to her. I do listen to her and give her advice - whether people feel I should or not. I can't always defend her though. This has been going on for 8 years and has just steadily gotten worse over time unfortunately.


Quoting lexiesstepmommy:

I think you have every right to talk to her about her mother. She probably needs that. All too often SM needs to step in and be the parent BM should be but obviously can't. But don't say anything negative about BM to SD. Just listen to SD if she talks to you.



packermomof2
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 9:02 PM



Quoting Rocker.Mom.07:

First off, it's nice to hear your SD has a supportive person in her life like you. Second, I don't think you should "stay out of it" since you have been in her life for so long. You just staying out of it says what to your SD...? That you don't care either. I don't understand that thought that some of these women have. Yes, it's SD's and BM's issues, but it sounds like you are doing a good job supporting her emotionally. Be there for her emotionally and for advice. I feel bad for kids who have wacky parents like that.


I'm my kids mother, I've been in their lives the entire time they've been alive, I even grew the little buggers!... And I stay out of it when it comes to their father ignoring them for months at a time.  They don't think I don't care, they know I do.  They also know that their relationship with their father is theirs.  They know I can't change him. They know they can talk to me and I will listen, but there is nothing that I can do.

And they deal with a man who not only ignores them for months at a time, but who will also walk past them in public and pretend he doesn't see them.  He can't even bring himself to say hello or sucks to be you, or "fuque off"... and my kids are 12 and 10 and have been dealing with this for years.  

So, yes, stay out of it is the best thing to do.  Let mom make her bed, let the kid see mom for who she is, listen to her when/if she wants to talk but do nothing else.  Because really?  There is nothing that can be done.

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
packermomof2
by on Oct. 6, 2013 at 9:03 PM



Quoting lexiesstepmommy:

I think you have every right to talk to her about her mother. She probably needs that. All too often SM needs to step in and be the parent BM should be but obviously can't. But don't say anything negative about BM to SD. Just listen to SD if she talks to you.


All too often?  Only if you're using these boards as your evidence.

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