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special treatment for sd

Posted by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 12:24 AM
  • 16 Replies
Has any one been in situation where ur not married yet or livibg together but still consider urselves family bc ur living in safe roof most of the time sd gets special treatment. Is it selfish to want all the kids to be treated equally? So is good to my kids but says he will always treat his better bc she is bio his. He still loves mine. Any thoughts feelings opinions? Am i out of line feeling this is wrong? I always thought when u make a choice to take steps to combine households u treat everyone equally the best u can. I can afford much for my kids but he thinks its not right for his to go w o things like kindle etc just bc he can afford for her & I can't afford for them.
by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 12:24 AM
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by Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 12:36 AM
Don't you feel a little more partial to your kids ? I think it's pretty normal too. I don't think you should be so hard on him nor should you try so hard to blend everyone. Let them blend on their own and don't worry about how fair things are. You are only setting yourself up for constant unhappiness and nit picking. Not worth it. In this whole step life you will come across plenty of battles. You have to figure out what's important and what is a waste of energy.
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by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 12:37 AM
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Well.....your DH has a point. Why should he not purchase things for his child, if he can afford to, just because you can't afford the same for your children? Your children are not SO's responsibility. They are your responsibility and, if he has not passed or is otherwise unable to care for them, their father's responsibility. It is not SO's responsibility to provide for your children, nor is it his responsibility to consider them equal to his child. They are not his children.
by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 12:37 AM
And I'm confused. Do you or don't you live with SO?
by Ruby Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 12:38 AM
Honestly yes I think some people can't love other kids the same as their own. Some claim they can. However, the kids should be treated close to equal. Life ain't fair but one kid shouldn't be treated overtly better.
by Ruby Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 12:39 AM
Also. If he wants to buy his kid something he can. But you don't have to contribute.
by Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 2:48 AM
My DH and I have have two DS's together then my SD. We have struggled through the years regarding the equality. My DH does have a different set if standards for SD. She often does not have to follow the same rules. My DH lets my be responsible for purchasing things for SD(which is fine with me).

The issue we have is regarding the issues regarding how the children are treated differently. This has caused many problems for us in our relationship.

My best advice is to ignore the small things. If they are house rules then everyone should follow the rules. If you are not sharing finances then there is not much you can say about what he purchases for SD. If your finances are combined then I would talk to him about it.

We have always try to make things equal. Example: my DS plays hockey and my youngest DS participates in karate. My SD is a excellent artist and loves to draw. We pay for her art classes since we pay for the other children to participate in activities.

How much is the age difference? If there is an age difference. We explain to the younger children that SD gets different items such as a cell phone because she is older. We explain to them that if they want an item such as a cell phone then they have to be a specific age and show responsibility level.

Try not to let these things consume you or bother you. It will cause issues in your relationship with SO along with SD.
by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 6:38 AM
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Your boyfriend is basically your roommate. He's not your husband and your Dd is not his stepdaughter. You said he is "good to your DD", and that should suffice. Moving in with your boyfriend does not create a relationship between the adults and the other's children. You don't create a family just becuase you decide to move in together and live in the same house.

If he can afford things for his kids that you can't afford for yours, there is no reason for his kids not to have these things. That is unfair to them. Do you really  want them to think you are the reason their lifestyle declined after you moved in?

by Ruby Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 6:54 AM
DH treats his son differently then he does my DD because that"s his son. All the kids are loved,fed,clothed. There are times DH treats his kids to things that DD won"t be able to participate in,just like there are things DD gets that my stepkids wouldn"t
by Bronze Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 6:57 AM
I always spent more on my ds than dh did on his kids. I'm certainly not going to stop buying things for my ds just because dh doesn't, so when we moved in together dh had to step up his game. Since we are married now and all of our money is combined, I buy all 3 the same and dh pays the bills (with a little grumbling some times, but not too bad).

If you can't afford to or are opposed to spending similarly for your kids, you need to explain it to your kids just like when they have friends who may get more expensive items.
by Bronze Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 8:54 AM

I think he's making it clear to you that he's not of the "yours is mine, mine is yours" mindset.  Some people are, some people aren't.  

If you don't like that he isn't interested in considering your kids as his own, then you need to break up and move on.  He has every right to his opinions, and you are the one that has to choose whether or not that's a situation you want your kids in.  

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