Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Are we crazy in love, or just plain crazy?

Posted by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 9:28 PM
  • 44 Replies
3 moms liked this

I mean really....I read on here day after day, about all the issues with step parenting and I wonder why we do it? I mean truly...we must be crazy in love, or just plain ole crazy.

I have been married almost 10 years and it has been the most difficult 10 years of my life (well almost). I can honestly say that I have not enjoyed being a step parent, not for even a moment. I am not enjoying being a step grand parent either. Cold hearted.....it may seem that way. The truth is I am tired of being available as a step and just want to spend time with my own children and grandchildren. It may be because we live close to all my DHs family and so very far away from all mine. I just don't know. OR; maybe I am just wondering if after years of "eggshell walking" I am  just ready to live my own life again. 

Do I wonder why I am married sometimes....YEP! Do I love my husband....YEP.....I guess I am just feeling like my life is worth living to the fullest too and sometimes that means I put myself first, instead of my wonderful husband, and his family. I am currently visiting my family at my vacation home and to be honest....I have not missed home for even one second. That makes me quite sad, and wondering.......

Anyone else wonder why we do what we do?

by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 9:28 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Oct. 7, 2013 at 10:58 PM

How long were you two together before you got married?  Short term?  Long term?


Just wondering...DH and I just got married, but we were together for 3 years before that.

packermomof2
by on Oct. 7, 2013 at 11:02 PM

I honestly feel that SP is as hard as 1) the parent makes it and 2) the SP makes it.  I don't think it has to do with love.  Some people expect the SPs to be more than a SP and some SPs put more expectations on themselves than anyone else does.  

When you have parents who do their job the SPs seem to have an easier go of it.  

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Oct. 7, 2013 at 11:30 PM

I think it is as easy or as difficult as you make it. I chose my stepparent role and DH fully supported that, he has never forced any interaction between SS and us. BM helped with that because we would have probably attempted to blend if BM was more cooperative.


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 8:27 AM
1 mom liked this

I would probably move to be closer to my own kids. Or, just make plans to spend more time in their area. I like my stepkids very much at this point in time (love them even), but if I spent all my time with them and my own children were far away, I would probably resent that situation.

Mommabear81312
by Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 8:39 AM
1 mom liked this

Your feelings a normal and you are entitled to them. I hate the eggshell walking you talk about. If it werent for that things would be so much easier!!!! 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 8:57 AM
2 moms liked this

Very honest post, and I'm sure that a lot of people feel that way at times--especially if they don't get to see or spend time with their family and friends or doing their hobbies because of the pace of life.

One thing that stuck out for me in your post was the idea of putting yourself first.  I wonder how many women put themselves down the priority ladder early on in an effort to be SuperMom and or SuperStepMom and or SuperWife and then find themselves years later feeling resentful. 

I'm not sure that it's always the kids or the husband that "put" us on the third, fourth, or fifth rung on the ladder.  I think a lot of us do it to ourselves.

So putting yourself first once in awhile...maybe that's the trick to maintaining a sense of self and contentment?

I know that for me, once I started living with my DH and the kids, a lot of "my" stuff got put on the back burner.  It wasn't, for example, that DH asked me specificially to give up competetive riding.  It was that I couldn't work, commute, make dinner for the family by 7PM, help get kids to/from activities, spend time with him/kids on weeknights and attend all the big family stuff on the weekends AND ride 6 days a week.  I wanted to do all of those things but I couldn't do it all so something had to go and *I* chose to stop riding like I had been in an effort to throw myself into the step life/married life.

I think any marriage presents some challenges and "crazy in love" just doesn't cut it.  There's a certain amount of flat out stubborn commitment that has to be there to make it work.  IMHO of course and I've neither been married nor been a step that long. 

Glad you are enjoying your vacation.  Plan more of them!


USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this

It's not that I don't like the steps (although there are times). I guess for me it is the realization that I don't have the same role in their lives that I do in my "own" childrens lives. I mean I can joke around with my own children, speak freely without holdilng back for fear of saying something that will upset someone. Be involved in every aspect without feeling like maybe I am stepping on anyone's toes (BM with steps). It is just a totally different relationship. We married late in life (late 40's DH divorced, I was widowed, so for the most part steps were young adults). AND, I do want to say that BM has no contact with us whatsoever, so some of the "eggshell walking" is out of respect for her role as a mother. I wouldn't like it if someone were "intruding" in my space with my children, so I try to keep that in mind always with the steps. So, life as a step parent for me is a constant dance around doing the right thing, and not a relaxed time as you have with your very own children. Please keep in mind.....my steps weren't little children that I helped raise so that may be the difference.

I truly had no idea how hard stepparenting would be....in other words participating, but also holding back out of respect for BM and her rightful place in her childrens lives. (The stepparent dance)

So, like I said I am just at a point where I don't want to really do that anymore and it isn't resentfulness, it just apathy for the situation and realizing that God gave me life to enjoy too. Birdseed is probably right....I probably am just doing it to myself, but isn't that what we do? We try to do what is best for everyone, not just ourselves, and sometimes we get worn out and realize there has to be some "me" time without guilt, without judgement from others (I know when I leave to come here to spend time with my kids, that my DH family just thinks thats awful...). Oh Well......... We need to be able to nuture our own souls too.

Thanks for letting me speak freely! Love this website

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 10:15 AM



Quoting USBrit:
 We try to do what is best for everyone, not just ourselves, and sometimes we get worn out and realize there has to be some "me" time without guilt, without judgement from others (I know when I leave to come here to spend time with my kids, that my DH family just thinks that awful...oh well!). We need to be able to nuture our own souls too.

Thanks for letting me speak freely! Love this website

Totally understand.  I get the same stuff from my DH's family.  All very close both emotionally and in proximity.  The idea that I would go off and do something alone or with my own family and not spend every. single. moment. with them is mind blowing.  But then again, I think they think of a wife more like livestock--once married, you "belong" to DH and his family. 

Luckily for me, my DH doesn't subscribe to the same line of thinking.  So whenver I want to go do my own thing, he is typically very supportive.  Unfortunately in our situation, we can't always afford to do what needs to be done for the kids AND get me out to see family or do my stuff.  But that's no one's fault...

Anyway...right there with you and get where you're coming from.  Older steps, got married a bit later in life.  There is a whole other family dynamic there that was there before me so I do get the "eggshell" concept too.  Not having my own kids though, I have yet to encounter that "living freely" thing you speak of. 



AydensMommy1008
by Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 10:19 AM

I wonder EVERYDAY too! I have been with my bf for the past over 3 yrs, hes got 5 kids, 3 that live with us fulltime. PlusI have 1 son that lives with us fulltime. And its been HELL. We get along great when its just me, bf and my son here, but the min his kids come through our door, shit hits the fan. I have disengaged from them and its made things a little better, but the bs is still there. Its so hard, I feel like I dont want to lose him, but I also feel like I cant be with the man I love because of his kids. :( Really sucks. :(

USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 8, 2013 at 11:41 AM

awwwww, I am sorry...that you haven't experienced the total comfortable feeling (living freely) you get from being with one's who know you best and don't look for something you say or do to be upset about. :( It truly is like night and day for me....

My own kids told me once that they noticed a difference in me after I got married....when I asked...they said Mom, you just seem stressed and not your self. I realized then that I had to be a different person in my DH family and it was overflowing to my own family. Really makes you stop and wonder why that is. Why can't people just relax and not think that everything that you say or do is meant as a slight to anyone else. SAD...and life is way too short....says this 57 year old who should have starting putting herself first long ago, instead of deferring to DH family's wants and needs for so long. :( I think when we do things that make us happy, we have happier marriages too.....don't you think?

Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting USBrit:
 We try to do what is best for everyone, not just ourselves, and sometimes we get worn out and realize there has to be some "me" time without guilt, without judgement from others (I know when I leave to come here to spend time with my kids, that my DH family just thinks that awful...oh well!). We need to be able to nuture our own souls too.

Thanks for letting me speak freely! Love this website

Totally understand.  I get the same stuff from my DH's family.  All very close both emotionally and in proximity.  The idea that I would go off and do something alone or with my own family and not spend every. single. moment. with them is mind blowing.  But then again, I think they think of a wife more like livestock--once married, you "belong" to DH and his family. 

Luckily for me, my DH doesn't subscribe to the same line of thinking.  So whenver I want to go do my own thing, he is typically very supportive.  Unfortunately in our situation, we can't always afford to do what needs to be done for the kids AND get me out to see family or do my stuff.  But that's no one's fault...

Anyway...right there with you and get where you're coming from.  Older steps, got married a bit later in life.  There is a whole other family dynamic there that was there before me so I do get the "eggshell" concept too.  Not having my own kids though, I have yet to encounter that "living freely" thing you speak of. 




Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)