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being "mom" but not actual BM:/

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:29 PM
  • 84 Replies
I have two SS. 2&3. I have been in their lives sense the youngest was 5months and the oldest was just over 1year. Their BM left when the youngest was 3months old. She was out of their lives when i began dating their father. Once she found out we were together she started coming around one or two days a week. Then 3 days. But once she had something better to do she would take them back to their father even if he had to work or drop them off with family. There were even times where she wouldnt pick them up even though she had promised their father she would and she would tell him she had things to do so they were his problem.

When he had moved in with me a couple moths down the road (only because he was still living in her families rental home) i had starting keeping track of everything in notebook for him. Of every day,of the exact time n things that were said, the place etc. About six months later they were in court. The judge gave 50/50 custody..?

Sense then theres been times where she hasnt picked them up or called to say she wasnt coming n didnt call for a week to say hi or check on them n see how they were. Or times were she would call last minute and say she couldnt pick them up or asked us to keep them for an extra night.

I have put everything i have into these two boys, and got no respect nothing but bad talk n rumors spread about me (which i had expected in the beginning knowing who she was). I have broke the youngest of bottles, broke them both of the sippy cup(my youngest only uses them at nap n bed time) and i potty trained them both! ( she still putts them in diapers n pull-ups)

I have always been the one to pick them up and drop them off on time on the scheduled day while my husband was working. She was always late pick up and dropping off.

I have dealt with the crap from her family, her friends, her boyfriend and mostly her! I dealt with her and everyone else telling the boys to call me horrible things they shouldnt even be hearing.

The only thing that is helping me is my husband standing by my side every step of the way telling me im doing really good and better than most could. He supports almost everything i say or do 100%..

I just want to know if i am the only one in this situation or if anyones been in it. Does it get better down the road?

I will never give up.

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kristinbugg
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:35 PM
2 moms liked this
You are not Mom. Their mother, who is involved, is Mom. You are Dad's wife and SM.
pepper504
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:43 PM
6 moms liked this

You're looking for respect from people who do not matter.  As long as your DH is happy with the job that you are doing and supports you, then that is all that matters.


aliemom
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:43 PM
I forgot to mention, these boys started calling me mommy almost instantly. Which i wasnt sure if it were right or okay or good for them to do that. So after a very lengthy convo with my husband we agreed that it was okay for them to call me that or by my name n we were going to let them choose. They have been calling me mom,mommy,momma sense then.
EricaG87
by Silver Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:45 PM
4 moms liked this

 You sound like you're doing a great job with them.  Just remember, you don't need to be "mom" in order to hold a very important and special place in their lives!  Just be you, love them with everything you have, and let the rest slide off your back.  Eventually it will probably die down a little even if it doesn't go away completely OR you will find a better way to deal with it.

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:45 PM

Thus is the life of a stepmom.  It may get better.  It may get worse.  Honestly it doesn't sound like she's all that bad.  Atleast she's still in their lives, taking visits - late or not.  You can't let the things she says about you get to you or you'll never make it.  Let it roll off your back.  Your focus should be your DH, your family, and your home. 

kristinbugg
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:53 PM
That doesn't make you Mom. They have a Mom and it isn't you.


Quoting aliemom:

To them, my husband, my family, his family...i am mom! If your not commenting to help or support my posts please stay out of it. I asked if someone that had a similar situation to help..



P.s. in case you didnt read she's been in and out of their lives..a mom or "mother" would be there period.




Quoting kristinbugg:

You are not Mom. Their mother, who is involved, is Mom. You are Dad's wife and SM.


Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:55 PM

It may or may not get better down the road.  That depends on the people causing the problem and whether or not they ever see a need to change their ways.  As for you?  I agree with Pepper504.  You're giving them too much importance in your life.  The kids have to have good relationships with BM and her entourage.  They're nothing to you.  The only consideration they deserve from you is for the sake of the boys, which means putting your dislike aside and focusing any thought or energy about them on creating something positive for your SSs.  And don't deal with BM directly if you can help it.  That's your DH's job.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 2:03 PM

 i wouldnt do all that, id have him do most of it. i will do pick up or drop off if there is a good reason that SO cant but he usually can. i just dont even want to see BM that much, and she doesnt even do anything to me. but if it works for you....

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Oct. 9, 2013 at 2:09 PM


Quoting pepper504:

You're looking for respect from people who do not matter.  As long as your DH is happy with the job that you are doing and supports you, then that is all that matters.


She is also seeking acknowledgement and gratitude from the wrong people as well.  BM does not "owe" her a thank you, acknowledgement and gratitude should come from her DH.

SO doesn't expect EX to thank him or even acknowledge him (although EX making SO a crayon bday was pretty ceepy and we got a good laugh out of it), I acknowledge him, the children acknowledge him.  

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 2:11 PM


Quoting LyndaLoo78:


Quoting pepper504:

You're looking for respect from people who do not matter.  As long as your DH is happy with the job that you are doing and supports you, then that is all that matters.


She is also seeking acknowledgement and gratitude from the wrong people as well.  BM does not "owe" her a thank you, acknowledgement and gratitude should come from her DH.

SO doesn't expect EX to thank him or even acknowledge him (although EX making SO a crayon bday was pretty ceepy and we got a good laugh out of it), I acknowledge him, the children acknowledge him.  

OMG, that is freaking creepy as all fuck.  Why have you never shared this with me before?


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