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Is it easier or harder...

Posted by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:28 PM
  • 16 Replies
To be a SM if you don't have kids of your own??
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:27 PM
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I was never a childless SM, since I had kids already when I married my DH. But, for me, if I didn't already have kids, I would have wanted them. For me, stepkids would not have been a substitute for having my own kids, and I wanted to be a mother. My DH has custody and the mom only has EOWE and even that would not have been good enough because she is still their mother. I want to be the mother, and the only way to do that is have my own kids. Not someone else's and pretend they're mine.

so I think it would be hard to be a childless SM (for me), because what I would really want to be, is a mother. It would be like... a cruel tease. Like dangling the mother-thing, just out of reach.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:30 PM

I think it is harder being a childless SM if you want(ed) your own children.

whatIknownow
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:32 PM
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Oh I should add - the other reason why I think it's easier if you have your own kids already - other than the mental cruelty thing, is that you already know how ANNOYING kids are. Annoying, noisy, messy, mannerless, did I mention noisy??  Nothing phases me with my stepkids cause I'm broken in already. 

At this moment I can't even see my SD14's floor in her room. Not a single square inch of floor  is showing. Laundry (clean and dirty) is strewn across the entire floor and on every horizontal surface.

ahhhhh.. am I phased by this? Nope. She's  my fourth teenager.  S'all goooood.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:22 PM
WIKN nailed it with "cruel tease".

DH and I wanted children together but encountered infertility and pregnancy loss. That's hard for any couple, but at least a childless couple is on the same page. When one person already has kids, it's not quite the same. And SKs cannot substitute a bio. It's incredibly offensive to suggest they can or should. Fortunately, I'll have my "mine" in a few weeks. I can't imagine what it'd be like to have no chance or hope to be a mom, and I would not ever advise a childless woman who wants kids to marry a single dad unless he is 100% certain he does want additional kids with her. There are no guarantees.

Where kid behavior is concerned, not having kids hasn't been a problem. I'm far more lenient with typical foolish kid stuff than DH. He takes the dumbest things personally and then calls me a hardass for addressing overt defiance. Go figure.
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newstepmom61811
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:46 PM
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All the above is true. I'm a childless CSM...have fertility issues...NO option of ever having my own...I've worked hard to understand my SKs...read MANY parenting and child developmental psych books to try and overcome some lack of experience. It has definitely helped...and they nailed it...it is hard...definitely a divide when my husband has his own kids in this house, I don't. As much as he loves me and tries, he can't understand the pain of childless infertility...it's a walk I walk alone...I also know adoption or egg donation at least for me is not an option...for me it's not about pregnancy...it's about having my OWN and recognizing MYSELF in a child...and rhat is simply not in the cards for me...SKs don't replace that...I just keep doing what I do...I love the family I am blessed with, because I am. These kids I have been blessed to have in my life are probably almost better than having my own in a way...the have chosen to love me and take me into their family. That is HUGE.

jeniemarie
by Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:58 PM
i was never a childless SM but i was a gf to DH, before we had our own.
.
in some ways its harder. you fight the jealousy and lack of knowledge when trying to relate to the child. however on the other hand i deal with the guilt of not being able to love my SS as much as my bios and treating him a little differant, even though i try not to.
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Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 12:12 AM
3 moms liked this

I think the only way it would be easy to be a SM is......nevermind, I can't think of a way!  

saramay55
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 1:13 AM
My step kids tried to call me mom and I ask them to call me by my name am I a bad person. Their mom is on drugs and pops.in and out of their life but I just don't want to confuse them. I love my boys but I'm in an odd situation.
Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:50 AM
1 mom liked this

When DH and I started dating he was waiting for paternity results - BM was 6 months pregnant at the time with 3 possible fathers.  DH already had an 11 year old son.  He said if paternity results came back and he was the father he was going to get snipped.  His choice.  I told him if he was going to get snipped there was no reason for us to continue dating.  I didn't necessarily want children but I definitely didn't want to rule out the possibility of having them in the future.  Results came back, he was the father, and 3 months later we were blessed with my younger SS.  9 months later DH proposed and when SS was 14 months old we got married.  BM went MIA when SS was 11 months old and we were awarded full custody just weeks before our wedding.  Though I have known SS since he was 2 weeks old and raised him since he was 6 months old, I still wanted children of my own.  DH gave me a little girl that is due to arrive any day.  I don't think for a second he regrets not getting snipped and I can't wait for the opportunity to be a SM and a BM. 

Long story short, I don't think I could be a childless SM.  With all the work that goes in to raising a child, I want to be doing it for my own child as well.  Not just someone else's child that I am blessed to be raising. 

chanizen
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:00 AM
I think it is easier being a childless sm. Unless you are childless and Want your own but cannot have them.

But overall, I think being a sm is pretty easy unless you make it hard or your spouse does.
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