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Help with my step son!

Posted by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 6:30 AM
  • 49 Replies
My step son is 6 years old, he lives with us full time and sees his bio mom for visits 10 hours a week. Even though she hardly sees him, she has joint custody and makes our lives miserable. My husband and I have been married for two years. We had twin boys this last march! I love my babes.! I have never felt a love so deep! I love having my own kids! I didn't realize how different I would feel about my step son and my own kids. I feel terrible about it but I don't know what to do. When we got married I did everything I could for my step son. Volunteered in his class at school, ran him around everywhere, took him to school and picked him up everyday (an hour round trip to his school) He was so excited to be a brother and I was excited for I'm. Now that I have my own babies I want nothing to do with him. He is a burden to me and when I have to do things for him, I feel like I'm putting my own babies needs second and I hate it. I can't control these feelings! It's terrible! I don't want him involved with my babies at all! I don't want him to look at them, talk to them,play with them.. Nothing!! It makes me so angry and I know it's wrong. My husband and I fight about it all the time. I thought we would be this one big happy family and I don't want him near me or my babies. His bio mom causes so much drama in our lives and I feel that in a way, I blame him for it and of course it's not his fault but somehow inside, I hold him responsible. Then when my husband and I fight about it, I get mad at the kid instead of my husband. I feel crazy and don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to change the way I feel even though it is so wrong. Help!! Anyone ever feel this way?! I feel like the wicked step mother! Advice?!
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 6:30 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 7:14 AM
2 moms liked this

Maybe you would benefit from some couseling or therapy?

teaching_kids
by Bronze Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 7:28 AM
1 mom liked this
Twins are no joke. Time wise and hormonally. I would absolutely get some help for yourself.
Being a big brother is and can be the most amazing thing.
I had three step children before my son was born. My sons birth just made it even more fun and more beautiful to watch how much the older ones adored their little brother. It was really beautiful and today, they are all adults who really really love one another.

Also, thank god you feel bad about this. That is GOOD.

Please get the help you need and then the help you and your husband need to truly create a harmonious house because this 6 year old deserves better. As do you
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 7:38 AM

How does Mom make your lives miserable and why does she only have 10 hours a week?

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 7:58 AM
2 moms liked this

Your title should not be need help with SS it should be I need help with my irrational anger towards an innocent child and for that I suggest therapy before you destroy your marriage, your relationship with your ss, and quite possibly your dh's relationship with ss or even worse you destroy your SS. 

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 8:58 AM

Please talk  to a professional.

Tx_stepmom
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:13 AM
1 mom liked this

Why does his BM only get 10 hours a week?  

I would suggest getting some counseling/therapy.  It isn't SS fault.  He's a child.  You said even though you know it's wrong, you still blame the child.  Time to put your Big Girl Panties on an deal with it like an adult.  Blame the child because of your feelings?  You knew what you were getting into.  Serioiusly, get some help before you detroy your marriage and relationship with your SS.  

I'm the one raising SS along with DH.  His BM lives 10 minutes away and all she cares about is her visitation every Tues and EOWE that's it.  I've raised a child of my own (24yr old son).  My SS is 11yr old.  I never dreamed of raising another child.  But that's how life worked out.  No matter how stressed I get, I never blame my SS.  

My son was an only child.  SS was an only child.  My son loves having a younger "brother".  SS is thrilled to have a "Big Brother".  Even though they know they're not blood related, they still call each other "Brother".  

Frustrated10
by Bronze Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:16 AM
2 moms liked this

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time and agree with the other ladies. You need to find someone to talk you through all these feelings, someone licensed to help. This is a special time for you and your family. I feel bad for your ss also. This is a confusing, special time for him too. Please find someone to talk to soon, he's just a little boy. He won't understand why you have backed off and he may blame on it on his new siblings.

TraceyBusta
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:22 AM
1 mom liked this

its never easy but at 6 your step son is probably excited at being a big brother! i understand your feelings those are "mommy" feelings and they are overwhelming at times i think i might agree with the others counseling might be best but i understand the need to search out other moms and step moms to talk i am doing the same thing, why not ask ss to help you out ? can you get me the bottle or the diapers etc? at that age they just want to help (trust me getting him younger is easier than teens!) 

our jobs are the hardest in the worls i truely believe that trying to be fair to our children and to ourselves run a household, budget and be mother figures to children that arent are own is a superhuman feat in itself! find a sitter and go out hell even if its to the mall BY YOURSELF! take some time for you its hard we arent geared that way but that helps me at times

grits71
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:41 AM

 I had my skids before I had my DS.  My SS is really excited about being an older brother and teaching my ds things.  My SD, not so much because she has always been the baby but my DH spends extra time with her to make her still feel special.  Stop and think for a minute about how your SS is feeling.  You go from spending all the time with him and making him feel great to not wanting anything to do with him.  If something happened between you and your DH, would you want a SM to treat your skids that way?  Get help.  PPD can seriously affect a family.  Don't be the cause of a child growing up angry. 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 10:04 AM
1 mom liked this

 You may have some depression, hormones can be crazy after giving birth.  You may want to speak to your doctor.  Also, you are probably overwhelmed about caring for twin babies.  Is your husband helping out?  Do you have breaks or any time away from the babies to recharge?  Do you get any time alone with your husband?

Right now I would concentrate on getting you in a healthy frame of mind.  I think the first year of having an infant is a rollercoaster plus for women our bodies are still out of whack hormonally. 

You also may be expecting too much from yourself, DH and SS.  You are all adjusting to having 2 new people to care for.

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