Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Am I a Bad Stepmom?

Posted by on Oct. 15, 2013 at 10:11 PM
  • 65 Replies

I'm new to this website, so I'm not sure if I'm doing this correctly.  I don't want to talk to my family or friends about this, because I don't want to be judged.  Backstory:  I married my husband 4 months ago.  I have two kids, a girl age 10 and a boy age 6.  My husband has 3 daughters, ages 6,5, and 4.  As soon as we got married, his 6 YO came to live with us.  Her mother said she didn't have a connection with her and that she couldn't "handle" her.  Of course I was fine with this.  I love his children.  I expected there to be problems, but I didn't expect for me to feel the way that I feel.  I know she has abandonment/trust issues.  But she is constantly in my daughters face, pushing her buttons, and driving her crazy.  And she follows me around everywhere, even to the bathroom.  If I am hugging my kids, or my husband, she physically inserts herself in between me and whomever it is I am loving on.  My husband is in the military, and this requires him to work all the time, and her mother barely ever calls her.  I am starting to resent my husband, and I don't know why.  And I feel like I am going crazy with my stepdaughter.  I don't want to tell my husband how I feel because I feel it would crush him, but he does know that I'm not happy.  Any advice?

by on Oct. 15, 2013 at 10:11 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
mnmom300
by Member on Oct. 15, 2013 at 10:26 PM
2 moms liked this
I can understand how you feel that way.

But, I'll tell you one thing, you're lucky. She's very, very young and she doesn't have very much outside influence. I'd defiantly talk to DH about it and let him know what you think the action plan should be.

I think the action plan is just getting her accustomed to your family. For example, 'Thats not very nice to Sally when you (get in her face, follow her around, etc.), you need to stop.' If she doesn't stop decide mutually on a punishment. Maybe timeouts will work best. Maybe writing will work best. Maybe extra chores. Depends on the kid. Same goes for following you or getting in the middle of hugs, etc....

Also, praise, praise, praise her. Find reasons when you can find her doing good and following the rules.

Make sure DH knows that you just want to get her on the same page. You two get to decide how your family is run. Expect the same of everyone and keep the punishments fair. It's just like having multiple kids. :)
november117
by Bronze Member on Oct. 15, 2013 at 10:28 PM
1 mom liked this
This is great advice!

Quoting mnmom300:

I can understand how you feel that way.



But, I'll tell you one thing, you're lucky. She's very, very young and she doesn't have very much outside influence. I'd defiantly talk to DH about it and let him know what you think the action plan should be.



I think the action plan is just getting her accustomed to your family. For example, 'Thats not very nice to Sally when you (get in her face, follow her around, etc.), you need to stop.' If she doesn't stop decide mutually on a punishment. Maybe timeouts will work best. Maybe writing will work best. Maybe extra chores. Depends on the kid. Same goes for following you or getting in the middle of hugs, etc....



Also, praise, praise, praise her. Find reasons when you can find her doing good and following the rules.



Make sure DH knows that you just want to get her on the same page. You two get to decide how your family is run. Expect the same of everyone and keep the punishments fair. It's just like having multiple kids. :)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 15, 2013 at 10:29 PM

My advice is send  her back to live with her mom.

DanielleV7
by on Oct. 16, 2013 at 6:42 AM

I got a list of counselors for us to check out for her and for the rest of the family.  She just isn't blending herself very well, and I think she TRIES to stick out.  She doesn't want to fit in.  And a few people that have interacted with her say that I should ask about ADD??? What are the symptoms of that?

Erica705
by on Oct. 16, 2013 at 6:50 AM
I would probably feel exactly how you're feeling! It sounds to me like this little girl has formed a bond with you. Great! But also kind of annoying. She's 6. She's a 'big girl'. Maybe you can do an activity with her and explain you love her very much and you're glad she lives with you. Then go on to explain that you also love everyone else. Tell her just because you hug or kiss someone else doesn't take away from her hugs. I'd probably correct the other thing at the time.

Maybe you had your own plan, you just wanted to vent. I'd be resentful too. I'd be mad. It's hard to raise other people's children, especially when you didn't sign up for full time, or emotional issues like this. I don't care what anyone says. Full time is different than every other weekend. Hang in there. And vent as needed!
DanielleV7
by on Oct. 16, 2013 at 6:56 AM

The thing that bothers me most is that I talk to my SD till I am blue in the face about how much I love her, how much I'm glad that she's here, and I praise her all the time (because she really is a people pleaser).  She just kind of gets this blank stare and smiles and says "OK" to everything my husband or I say to her.  And then two seconds later I find her crawling around the floor like a dog lol.  And her mother never calls, and when we do hear from her, she's calling my husband to tell him that maybe she should send "instructional DVDs" to us to help with my SD's problems.  But doesn't even talk to her/see her!

aliemom
by on Oct. 16, 2013 at 7:11 AM
My step children do the same. Except i dont have my own children for them to bug. I think her following you to the bathroom(my youngest SS does that) is her asking for one on one time with you as awkward as it is. Getting in your daughters face, if shes the oldest on her moms side, she probably like the fact of someone close to her age but yet older to look up to. Im the youngest of three girls on my moms side and the oldest on my dads side, and i used to do the same to my older sisters but really i just wanted to be like them and be close to them. Maybe if you explain to your daughter that she shouldnt be offended by your SD actions but somewhat grateful because of the fact your SD think your daughter is great it may help her a bit.

The bugging in hugs and what not, i always make sure i give the children their own hugs and kisses and then move to my husband so no one feels left out.

Good luck. She will get the hang of things eventually.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 16, 2013 at 7:25 AM


Maybe she doesn't believe you. Youv'e been married to her father for 4 months; it's not realistic that you would love this girl, given your description of the dynamic. Maybe she knows it just isn't true. Or, maybe she doesn't really care whether  you love her or not. 

When a mother gives up custody of her kid due to the child's behavior, it's likely the child is going to be difficult to be around. You knew this was going to happen, right?

Have you considered taking a parenting class?

Quoting DanielleV7:

The thing that bothers me most is that I talk to my SD till I am blue in the face about how much I love her, how much I'm glad that she's here, 



whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Oct. 16, 2013 at 7:27 AM


Did you try googling it?

Quoting DanielleV7:

I got a list of counselors for us to check out for her and for the rest of the family.  She just isn't blending herself very well, and I think she TRIES to stick out.  She doesn't want to fit in.  And a few people that have interacted with her say that I should ask about ADD??? What are the symptoms of that?



DanielleV7
by on Oct. 16, 2013 at 7:37 AM

Honestly, I didn't think my SD would be difficult to be around.  She's a very sweet girl.  And I know most of her issues are dealing with the fact that her mother sent her to live with us.  I can't expect much better behavior from her, I mean...I can't even imagine how she feels.  I try to wrap my head around it and try to be the best that I can be, but I think I'm failing.  I just want to do what is right by her and to make sure that she is ok.  But all of it's falling on me.  Her mother doesn't help, and her dad just says it will get better with time (which I'm sure it will, but that doesn't help me right now).  I'm so new at this.  My two children have grown up together and I have raised them their whole lives, so I have never had these issues before.  I feel like I'm just messing this all up.  Counseling is going to be a good thing.  And I think that I need counseling for just myself to learn how to be a better stepparent. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN