I read this column yesterday and thought about posting it but there has been so little chatter about the OW these days, it seemed untimely. And then today I start reading the snark about the floozy who ruined a family and other negatives about the woman who the ex had an affair with and felt it made sense.
we so often say to SM that she has a DH problem when something is going on. Why then do so many of you jump to blaming the OW when it really was the DH that broke his vows to you?
So SMs have to hold their DH responsible but BMs can continue to let him off the hook and save their rage and disdain for the OW?
I just think it is an unhealthy place to be.
Avoiding a Foul
By PHILIP GALANES
Published: October 17, 2013
A few years ago, my husband left me after I discovered his series of extramarital affairs. One of his trysts was with a local soccer mom. Her young son plays on the same team as mine; they live on the same block as us, and we travel in the same social circles. (She remains in her marriage; my ex is not present in our lives.) I feel great resentment about her role in the dissolution of my marriage. I think a confrontation is in order, but the soccer field does not seem right. Any ideas?
You remind me of Jay Z (yes, you heard me right): Ain’t nothin’ wrong with your aim, just gotta change the target. Your anger at the soccer mom is misplaced. She owed you no duty of fidelity; your husband did. And he breached it repeatedly, apparently. Think of it this way: Would one fewer extramarital affair in the series have saved your marriage? (Didn’t think so.)
Better to spend your energy dealing with your understandable feelings of betrayal by your ex-husband than fantasizing about withering takedowns of his irrelevant sex partners. You probably won’t be able to move on to a new relationship (or feel much peace) until you grapple with the emotional lacerations he caused.
I am not suggesting that you buddy up with your husband’s former lover. It is not a nice thing to sleep with someone else’s husband. But I suspect that a confrontation with her will yield only momentary relief. The real hurt lies elsewhere. And even though your husband may have disappeared from your life, the showdown you should focus on (with close friends or perhaps a therapist) is with his deception and your pain. (And if you disregard my advice and go for the takedown, please make sure that neither of the children is within earshot. They are innocent.)