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How do I protect SS's heart?

Posted by on Oct. 19, 2013 at 1:56 PM
  • 10 Replies

My heart is breaking for SS.  BM has supervised visitation and has only seen him 2 times since early summer.  She is angry at the world and even though she has family who is willing to supervise, she refuses to speak to any of them.  She claims that the fees for the court supervisors are too high.  DH facilitated a couple of visits but, now she doesn't want to visit with DH there either.  In addition, she now claims that because she is angry at DH that she refuses to attend any of his extra curricular or school events because she refuses to be in the same location as DH or myself.  

I know she has issues that she needs to deal with, but it kills me that she's making such little effort to be there for SS.  He deserves so much more and he needs her.  Granted he needs a healthy her, but she's important to him just the same!  Why isn't this all a wake up call to her? A call to action?  I just can't wrap my head around it...  I'm just so saddened by the situation.  

Back-story:  DH has been the PCP since SS was an infant.  BM &DH had joint custody with BM having EOWE visitation.  BM was charged with felony offenses including possession and intent to distribute illegal drugs while in physical custody of SS.  DH filled for an emergency modification of custody.  This was granted and it was ordered that BM's visitation would be supervised and that she undergo a D&A eval and complete recommended treatment.  This was based on the current situation as well as past documented instances of DUI and drug possession during exercised custody time.  During the months between court dates she opted not to identify a supervisor or utilize a neutral court supervisor.  Dh did make himself available to her and supervised 2 afternoon visits.  Prior to them going back to court, BM charges were dropped to less severe non-drug related charges.  BM did not comply with the court order to undergo the drug eval and complete recommended treatment.  When they went back to court she indicated that since the charges were dropped she didn't feel she needed to complete these things.  DH restated concerns and the judge concurred that BM still was required to complete these steps prior to entertaining reinstating unsupervised visitation.  

by on Oct. 19, 2013 at 1:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 3:29 PM
I don't think you can protect SS's heart. :(
Melina74
by Melina on Oct. 19, 2013 at 4:01 PM

There's nothing you can do but be there for him.  Poor kid.

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 5:11 PM
1 mom liked this

Just be there to pick him up. It is so hard on the kids.

I found that it didn't do any good to waste my time trying to protect the kids from BM. She is who she is and I can't change her. But as she disappointed them I brushed them off and supported them and encouraged them to still love her... I guess or at least contact her.  I never talked bad about BM, there were a lot of "I don't know" responses or "What do you think". They still love their mother, but they have lowered their expectations by themselves based on experience.

venessaw04
by Bronze Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 6:32 PM
The hardest thing ever is to try and Protect a heart that's being hurt by the last person that should be hurting him. Does he talk to her on a reg basis?

Only thing you both can do is let him know you guys love and are there for anything he needs. Wish you the best keep your head up
Doodle39
by Bronze Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 8:52 PM

Thnaks for the words of encouragement.

They don't talk often, but they text back and forth often. He's young so he doesn't have his own phone, but DH gives him access to his phone anytime he wants to use it and let's him know anytime she messages.  Occasionally he will call but she's not always available so, ususally he prefers to text.  He uses the voice to text option  compose messages.  Usually he just likes to send new emoticons.  

Our only concern is that even though he's young he's got good reading skills and she will frequently get in a mood and send some pretty nasty and vulgar messages intended for DH.  In order to make sure SS isn't exposed to it DH has to watch and clear it.  

But, texting her isn't really cutting it.  I know he's upset.  In addition, he has a younger sibling that BM doesn't see.  She acts as if the younger sibling wasn't real.  She tells him the baby wasn't his brother and that she was just babysitting, but he knows.  When she first gave the baby up he told me it was because the baby cried a lot. He told me that she doesn't like babies and when he was little his daddy and grandma took care of him until he got bigger. He said he thought when his baby brother was bigger she would see him again.  Now that he isn't seeing her I think he's afraid she's going to decide not to be his mom.  He ask me if it was his fault.   

The funny thing is, as concerned as I am about the the things he says, at least when he talks about it we can help him navigate.  We never say anything negative.  We try to honor his relationship with her.  We printed some pictures of the two of them for his room.  When they had an all about me project at school we made sure he had pictures of the two of them to share.  Often, I just don't know what to say.  Some of his fears are founded in the realm of possibility.  


Quoting venessaw04:

The hardest thing ever is to try and Protect a heart that's being hurt by the last person that should be hurting him. Does he talk to her on a reg basis?

Only thing you both can do is let him know you guys love and are there for anything he needs. Wish you the best keep your head up



Doodle39
by Bronze Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 9:06 PM

He doesn't talk about it a lot.  He did more so at first.  But, I know he's upset.  The funny thing is, as concerned as I am about the few things he does say, at least then I know he's not bottling it up.  We never say anything negative.  We try to honor his relationship with her.  We printed some pictures of the two of them for his room.  When they had an all about me project at school we made sure he had pictures of the two of them to share.  When I ask about his share time he told me he forgot to share the picture of the two of them, but shared the others.  Often, I just don't know what to say.   It's a lot for a little guy to worry about.  

In addition, he has a younger sibling that BM doesn't see.  She acts as if the younger sibling wasn't real.  She tells him the baby wasn't his brother and that she was just babysitting, but he knows.  When she first gave the baby up he told me it was because the baby cried a lot. He told me that she doesn't like babies and when he was little his daddy and grandma took care of him until he got bigger. He said he thought when his baby brother was bigger she would see him again.  Now that he isn't seeing her I think he's afraid she's going to decide not to be his mom.  He ask me if it was his fault.  Some of his fears are founded in the realm of possibility. 

He's already lowered his expectations.  Before she said she wasn't going to attend his events, one day she mentioned coming and he said "maybe, but probly not".   In order to minimize the disappointment, we try not to mention anything it untill it happens.  

It just kills me.  DH and I make extra certain to only say somethings going to happen when we're as certain as we can be that it will happen.  I don't want him to learn not to trust.



Quoting Polkadotted:

Just be there to pick him up. It is so hard on the kids.

I found that it didn't do any good to waste my time trying to protect the kids from BM. She is who she is and I can't change her. But as she disappointed them I brushed them off and supported them and encouraged them to still love her... I guess or at least contact her.  I never talked bad about BM, there were a lot of "I don't know" responses or "What do you think". They still love their mother, but they have lowered their expectations by themselves based on experience.



Doodle39
by Bronze Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 9:09 PM

Thanks

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 9:28 PM

So far it seems like the skids hit their hard times with this around 7-8. So far OSD and SS got pretty angry. It took a long time to be willing to talk about things, and when they opened up it was little bits and pieces. YSD hasn't hit a really bad patch like that. She is 7 now.  BM hasn't seen her more than once every other week since she was 4 months old. It has gotten better with all of them.  It just takes time.

Try getting him counseling.  Also try geting him to journal or draw pictures-- without pushing any topics.

Quoting Doodle39:

He doesn't talk about it a lot.  He did more so at first.  But, I know he's upset.  The funny thing is, as concerned as I am about the few things he does say, at least then I know he's not bottling it up.  We never say anything negative.  We try to honor his relationship with her.  We printed some pictures of the two of them for his room.  When they had an all about me project at school we made sure he had pictures of the two of them to share.  When I ask about his share time he told me he forgot to share the picture of the two of them, but shared the others.  Often, I just don't know what to say.   It's a lot for a little guy to worry about.  

In addition, he has a younger sibling that BM doesn't see.  She acts as if the younger sibling wasn't real.  She tells him the baby wasn't his brother and that she was just babysitting, but he knows.  When she first gave the baby up he told me it was because the baby cried a lot. He told me that she doesn't like babies and when he was little his daddy and grandma took care of him until he got bigger. He said he thought when his baby brother was bigger she would see him again.  Now that he isn't seeing her I think he's afraid she's going to decide not to be his mom.  He ask me if it was his fault.  Some of his fears are founded in the realm of possibility. 

He's already lowered his expectations.  Before she said she wasn't going to attend his events, one day she mentioned coming and he said "maybe, but probly not".   In order to minimize the disappointment, we try not to mention anything it untill it happens.  

It just kills me.  DH and I make extra certain to only say somethings going to happen when we're as certain as we can be that it will happen.  I don't want him to learn not to trust.



Quoting Polkadotted:

Just be there to pick him up. It is so hard on the kids.

I found that it didn't do any good to waste my time trying to protect the kids from BM. She is who she is and I can't change her. But as she disappointed them I brushed them off and supported them and encouraged them to still love her... I guess or at least contact her.  I never talked bad about BM, there were a lot of "I don't know" responses or "What do you think". They still love their mother, but they have lowered their expectations by themselves based on experience.




momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 9:33 PM
I have a child that deals with this type of situation and has been dealing with it for 7 almost 8 years now. I believe that her father is still so very angry about court stuff and just not being able to be in control that he is in essence punishing our daughter. He hasn't been to a dance recital since she was 5 (she's 12 now). He has never watched her perform a piano recital or band concert in three years. He hasn't eaten lunch with her snide kindergarten. She's in 7th grade now. And he lives 20 minutes from us. In the early years dd didn't really notice. Out of sight out of mind. Then she went through a phase where it hurt her. Now she just accepts he is the way he is and she still loves him very much. He isn't the preferred parent. He isn't her favorite. She doesn't have that unconditional I know I can call my dad for anything feeling. But she does love him and she does accept him for who he is. I never really did anything except for continue to love her. I did for a short while make excuses for him and try to keep him on a pedestal. But that doesn't work. It just causes more anger. So what I started doing was just listen when she needs to vent. I say things like 'I can tell that really bothers you, can you think of a way to help how you feel. Is there anything you would like to say to him to get it off your chest?' I also got her a journal. She writes when she is upset. I've noticed over the last year she doesn't write in her journal. She no longer clutches it like a sacred peace of property.

I also no longer hurt for her. It is hard to see a child not be able to understand what they did to cause their parent to be the way they are. But what they have to realize is they didn't cause their parent to be that way. Therapy helped my daughter to get to that point. I sometimes feel angry that I even had a child with this man. I mean I PICKED him!! But I've had to get to a point of acceptance. Without him I would not have her.
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lnr187
by on Oct. 20, 2013 at 8:26 AM

 there's really nothing you can do. if she doesn't want to put forth the effort, you can't make her. it is very sad for ss, but just remind him how much he is loved by you and dad. it's not going to stop a broken heart, but it will make him happy to know you care.

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