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Giving up.

Posted by on Oct. 19, 2013 at 10:33 PM
  • 29 Replies
I've tried for years to help DH guide SD. I've tried to get him to be a parent, not just another 'fun' parent. But, he won't.

I'm trying, now, to just avoid any part in it all.

You see, DH, BM, and all grandparents involved feel like they need to buy her everything and let her do whatever she wants. It's wrong and its finally downright ugly to watch.

How do I deal?
by on Oct. 19, 2013 at 10:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 10:37 PM
9 moms liked this
You step back and take your hands off the wheel.

You can't make him want to be a better parent. He wants to be a good parent or not. But as if this moment you are absolved of responsibility, let him know she is all his. Not your responsibility anymore.

Hands off the wheel, hands off to a manicure. Enjoy.
mnmom300
by Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 10:52 PM
It is so, so hard.

This evening, she would not even acknowledge me, after I said hello and asked her about schook. Feeling very uncomfortable in my own house, I took my boys to the store and out to eat. I knew he wouldn't want to go so I just told him where we were going and left. I wasn't nasty. I did not complain, I just left.

I want to tell him how hurt I am that not only can she get away with X, Y, and Z - she can also disrespect me without a single consequence.

He's acting kind of bothered but we aren't arguing and he's not saying a word. I have decided that instead of just talking it out, I will just put it on him to talk to me about it. I don't really have anything left to say.


Quoting chanizen:

You step back and take your hands off the wheel.



You can't make him want to be a better parent. He wants to be a good parent or not. But as if this moment you are absolved of responsibility, let him know she is all his. Not your responsibility anymore.



Hands off the wheel, hands off to a manicure. Enjoy.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 10:59 PM
3 moms liked this
Sometimes I wonder if these parents would be just as offended if someone else treated them that way. I just cannot imagine letting my child disrespect another adult especially my husband.. I know you can't force a kid to talk but there would be a consequence for being rude and disrespectful. And in my opinion that is disrespectful.


Quoting mnmom300:

It is so, so hard.



This evening, she would not even acknowledge me, after I said hello and asked her about schook. Feeling very uncomfortable in my own house, I took my boys to the store and out to eat. I knew he wouldn't want to go so I just told him where we were going and left. I wasn't nasty. I did not complain, I just left.



I want to tell him how hurt I am that not only can she get away with X, Y, and Z - she can also disrespect me without a single consequence.



He's acting kind of bothered but we aren't arguing and he's not saying a word. I have decided that instead of just talking it out, I will just put it on him to talk to me about it. I don't really have anything left to say.




Quoting chanizen:

You step back and take your hands off the wheel.





You can't make him want to be a better parent. He wants to be a good parent or not. But as if this moment you are absolved of responsibility, let him know she is all his. Not your responsibility anymore.





Hands off the wheel, hands off to a manicure. Enjoy.


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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Oct. 19, 2013 at 11:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Sit back and drink wine.

How old is she?

Angelmevans
by Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 12:35 AM
How old is she? My DH and I struggled a great deal with similar situations over the years. We have two children together and he has a 16 yr old daughter.

I use to spend a great deal if time frustrated and it causing issues in our marriage. My husband would get extremely defensive every time we talked about it.

We had a long talk one day. I told him that I really wanted to understand how he felt. He explained that he did not realize a lot if times that he was treating her different. He also did not realize he was allowing her to be so disrespectful. His guilt over the divorce was really controlling his behavior.

I know it is frustrating. Try to be understanding.
fnpdocgrrl
by on Oct. 20, 2013 at 12:36 AM
2 moms liked this

Disengage.  It's all you can do at this point to keep your own sanity.

I've been where you are, so my heart goes out to you!

spicy0425
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 1:45 AM
1 mom liked this

I guess we mold differently. If this happened to me, I'd casually talked to the husband and said I wish someone would remind the step daughter the minimum level of human courtesy aka even if she doesn't like me, a hello or a short answer doesn't cost her a dime but it'll go a long way in a civilized society/dealing with others, especially when living under the same roof . I think if you didn't tell him things that bothered you in turn bothered him,  both of you gradually become "incommunicado" and sooner or later, a wall would be built up between you two. No matter how mad I am at my husband, I'd take some time to calm down and recite how I will express my anger to him so that we can discuss it and come up with a solution if we could.

Quoting mnmom300:

It is so, so hard.

This evening, she would not even acknowledge me, after I said hello and asked her about schook. Feeling very uncomfortable in my own house, I took my boys to the store and out to eat. I knew he wouldn't want to go so I just told him where we were going and left. I wasn't nasty. I did not complain, I just left.

I want to tell him how hurt I am that not only can she get away with X, Y, and Z - she can also disrespect me without a single consequence.

He's acting kind of bothered but we aren't arguing and he's not saying a word. I have decided that instead of just talking it out, I will just put it on him to talk to me about it. I don't really have anything left to say.


Quoting chanizen:

You step back and take your hands off the wheel.



You can't make him want to be a better parent. He wants to be a good parent or not. But as if this moment you are absolved of responsibility, let him know she is all his. Not your responsibility anymore.



Hands off the wheel, hands off to a manicure. Enjoy.



emszoo
by Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 2:30 AM
2 moms liked this
Disengage for at least a week. Once I did this I could clearly see where I was going wrong. I also joined cafemom and read a lot of posts. I have to remind myself constantly that these are not my kids and I have no rights to them.
They are not my kids. Therefore I'm not doing any discipline. Whatever they do I report it to their father but the rules are his to make and his to enforce. If they want to disrespect me that's fine I don't have to include them in my activities. I do not openly act like they have gotten me worked up. If it gets too much my baby and I can leave and visit my Mom or a friend until DH gets a handle on HIS kids.
His mother wants to act like she is in charge..that's fine too. I remind myself I have no right to fight this battle so I don't. What happens with the skids isn't my battle and I have no rights.
Is it wrong that they will grow up to be monsters and probably burdens on society, yes. However I can't do anything about it so I'm not going to go nuts trying.
Does it get to me yes. When it does I get on cafemom and talk about it.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 5:31 AM
1 mom liked this
Say hello. If there is no answer, don't ask her abut school. Let there be silence.

Stop making it easy for him and for her at your expense. Be happy. Chirp in fact. No one can make you unhappy. Least of all a sullen kid.

Right now she is getting to you and she knows it. So don't let it get to you. She is rude and disrespectful. So what? She is not your problem. Nor are many of the rude people of the world.

Stop letting this hold you down. Say hi once and if there is no response, sd belongs to your husband for the day. Don't cook or clean or nuffin' for her (or dh) and if they are slobs, suggest to dh that he clean. Or bag up anything left out (announce this cheerfully first) and throw it out or put it in the garage.

Drop the rope. You have a choice as to whether you will engage in this battle of wills or not. Be happy and then his choice and her choice is to be happy with you .... Or wallow in her miserable attitude


Quoting mnmom300:

It is so, so hard.



This evening, she would not even acknowledge me, after I said hello and asked her about schook. Feeling very uncomfortable in my own house, I took my boys to the store and out to eat. I knew he wouldn't want to go so I just told him where we were going and left. I wasn't nasty. I did not complain, I just left.



I want to tell him how hurt I am that not only can she get away with X, Y, and Z - she can also disrespect me without a single consequence.



He's acting kind of bothered but we aren't arguing and he's not saying a word. I have decided that instead of just talking it out, I will just put it on him to talk to me about it. I don't really have anything left to say.




Quoting chanizen:

You step back and take your hands off the wheel.





You can't make him want to be a better parent. He wants to be a good parent or not. But as if this moment you are absolved of responsibility, let him know she is all his. Not your responsibility anymore.





Hands off the wheel, hands off to a manicure. Enjoy.


mnmom300
by Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 7:07 AM
I have two boys from a previous relationship.

He has his daughter.

It's funny you say this because one time, when we first married my oldest son whispered to me about something personal. I whispered back. He hollered from the other room, 'There's not going to be whispering around here.'

I respected him and understood where he was coming from. Since then, we have our private talks when he isn't around or in their bedroom. This is simply out of respect.

But, he doesn't hold his daughter to the same standards - at all. His daughter also has a way of getting my boys excited - they like her! But, the boys always, always, always end up getting in trouble. He hollered at one of them for getting a piece of bread last night.

I just don't know what to do. My boys and I live here full time. This is our house but it gets flipped every time she comes. The rules we have mutually set up for the boys get turned backwards.


Quoting momof2ex1:

Sometimes I wonder if these parents would be just as offended if someone else treated them that way. I just cannot imagine letting my child disrespect another adult especially my husband.. I know you can't force a kid to talk but there would be a consequence for being rude and disrespectful. And in my opinion that is disrespectful.




Quoting mnmom300:

It is so, so hard.





This evening, she would not even acknowledge me, after I said hello and asked her about schook. Feeling very uncomfortable in my own house, I took my boys to the store and out to eat. I knew he wouldn't want to go so I just told him where we were going and left. I wasn't nasty. I did not complain, I just left.





I want to tell him how hurt I am that not only can she get away with X, Y, and Z - she can also disrespect me without a single consequence.





He's acting kind of bothered but we aren't arguing and he's not saying a word. I have decided that instead of just talking it out, I will just put it on him to talk to me about it. I don't really have anything left to say.






Quoting chanizen:

You step back and take your hands off the wheel.







You can't make him want to be a better parent. He wants to be a good parent or not. But as if this moment you are absolved of responsibility, let him know she is all his. Not your responsibility anymore.







Hands off the wheel, hands off to a manicure. Enjoy.



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