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Guess what? I get to decide.

Posted by on Oct. 19, 2013 at 11:55 PM
  • 23 Replies
1 mom liked this

All this debate about whether someone was or wasn't the other woman is interesting and everything.  And in the long run, I hope it becomes irrelevant and unimportant.  But in the moment, when it is discovered, all that becomes white noise.  There is only one person who can define the nature of that "relationship".

The wife.

Of course the husband will spin it to relieve his guilt.  And his paramour can't usually think of herself that way because what does it say about how he is going to treat her in the future?

The wife is who gets to define whether her husband has been unfaithful.

Respect that.  

Go ahead and get married and live happily ever after but respect the woman whose world was just turned upside down.  It really is the least you can do.

Am I crazy?


by on Oct. 19, 2013 at 11:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 12:21 AM

No, you aren't crazy, but you do sound like a woman who has had her husband cheat on her.  I am sorry.

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 12:26 AM

Oh yeah, and both of them acted like they did nothing wrong.  No need to be sorry.  I have no lingering feelings and have actually been grateful for it.

I share about it because I did make it to the other side.


Quoting Seychelles1409:

No, you aren't crazy, but you do sound like a woman who has had her husband cheat on her.  I am sorry.



Graceplustwo
by Bronze Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 12:32 AM
Nope. Completely agree.
Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 12:36 AM


The key word is "acted."   They both knew they did wrong, but weren't going to acknowledge it; that speaks to their arrogance and lack of morals.    The fact that you have come out the other side and have done well and live well probably irks them no end!   Enjoy your victory!   They sure don't.

Quoting pdxmum:

Oh yeah, and both of them acted like they did nothing wrong.  No need to be sorry.  I have no lingering feelings and have actually been grateful for it.

I share about it because I did make it to the other side.


Quoting Seychelles1409:

No, you aren't crazy, but you do sound like a woman who has had her husband cheat on her.  I am sorry.





newstepmom61811
by on Oct. 20, 2013 at 12:49 AM
If you're crazy so am I because I agree..
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 12:57 AM

So, I have to take being called the OW and told I ruined her life, when I started dating him 4 months after she cheated on him and he walked away (honestly I think they were done, but together for the kids for awhile before that)?  There was no marriage, no final divorce date to define.  Do unmarried people get the same rights to define cheating?

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 1:11 AM


Two parts...  I lean towards yes unmarried people, especially ones with kids, get to define cheating.

Had he left the relationship?  Moved out?  Took his stuff?  Hired a lawyer to define CS and visitation?  Informed family and friends that they were split?  Did she think it was over or were they still working on it?

I think it is easier to just let her believe what she needs to and move on.  I believe she gets to be treated as if you were.  High road?  Respect?

I don't really know.  I'm tired and have been battling a migraine all day.

Quoting Polkadotted:

So, I have to take being called the OW and told I ruined her life, when I started dating him 4 months after she cheated on him and he walked away (honestly I think they were done, but together for the kids for awhile before that)?  There was no marriage, no final divorce date to define.  Do unmarried people get the same rights to define cheating?



momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 1:11 AM
I agree. I think if you are the other woman and you know if you are ... Deep down you KNOW and in the end if you didn't know from the beginning surely by the end, you know ... Leave the wife alone. When she becomes the ex wife. Leave her alone. Respect her as a human being. I don't know how anyone marries someone that cheated but I won't judge. It's just not for me. I know people make mistakes but I couldn't be with someone while they are married or in a relationship. I would always wonder what he is doing and if he would do that to me. I don't necessarily believe 'once a cheater always a Cheater' but I don't think I could BE with someone who cheated to be with me. And I sure as hell would not be able to show my face in public with the cheater. It would be so embarrassing for me.
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pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 1:17 AM

I know, right?  I almost, just almost felt badly for SM when I met her the first time.  BF is such an ass, without warning, even to DDs who had yet to meet her, he brings her to one of their ballet recitals.  I don't think he even told her what she was getting into.  I was super involved in this studio as a major volunteer.  That night I was working the box office.  And guess who walks up.  The two of them.  He was all giggly and embarrassed.  She looked like a deer in headlights.  And all the other parents figured out immediately what was going on.  Remember, they were really good friends of mine.

i almost puked t hurt so much.  



Quoting momof2ex1:

I agree. I think if you are the other woman and you know if you are ... Deep down you KNOW and in the end if you didn't know from the beginning surely by the end, you know ... Leave the wife alone. When she becomes the ex wife. Leave her alone. Respect her as a human being. I don't know how anyone marries someone that cheated but I won't judge. It's just not for me. I know people make mistakes but I couldn't be with someone while they are married or in a relationship. I would always wonder what he is doing and if he would do that to me. I don't necessarily believe 'once a cheater always a Cheater' but I don't think I could BE with someone who cheated to be with me. And I sure as hell would not be able to show my face in public with the cheater. It would be so embarrassing for me.



OregonMom80
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 2:24 AM
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I told DH that the only thing that would make it hard for me to have a civil divorce is if he cheated. I try to imagine having to see him with that person and hand my baby over to the OW and I don't know how people bear it. I don't know how DH could stand it given how close him and DSS are. My heart breaks for people in that situation.
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