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Curious

Posted by on Oct. 20, 2013 at 3:49 PM
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Based on a few different responses, I have a question.

Why do some women allow men to not handle things in their home after a divorce?  Make excuses for him?  Even those SMs whose kids have SMs say they get it because they, the woman, takes care of the kids and communicates with mom regarding moms and dads kids.

What is the point in defending a man's ineptitude instead of having higher expectations for him and telling him to deal with the communication like a grown up and to take care of the majority of the care of his children?  

How many of these women are the same ones who would berate a mom for having the SF bathe the kids, cook for them, talk to dad?

by on Oct. 20, 2013 at 3:49 PM
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samtatum145
by on Oct. 20, 2013 at 3:56 PM
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I guess I just don't see a couple who fall into roles within their house defined as "inept." There are plenty of houses with moms AND dads, and no step-anythings, where the mothers do the bathing and the dads cook, or the dad's do all of the soccer game stuff and the mom does the school events. It's just a matter of how that household is run. There shouldn't be a separation of duties just because the child within the household isn't the same blood as someone else. 

My boyfriend isn't irresponsible for staying home while I take the kids grocery shopping with me, just like I'm not irresponsible for allowing my boyfriend to cook food for his step-daughter.

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 3:57 PM
I don't know....DH parents his children just fine....in fact he could even parent them before he met me. He also handles all communication with his x.
Must be why I married him...lol
Mommy0505
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 4:22 PM
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You imply that by not doing it themselves they are not handling things...

Team work is a good virtue to have in a relationship when it comes to kids.

 

One could turn this around and say that a BM, or you, were inept when married to the man because he handled yardwork or the paying of particular bills... It just doesn't make sense.  A person not doing everything doesn't equal a person shirking their responsibilities...

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 4:27 PM

Does that mean you are falling into "mom" role when my child is on visitation to your hypothetical house?

Sorry, I dont see it that way. When you divorce, it's not the time to replace. It is a time for a mother and a father to autonomously now take on stronger roles than when they were married to each other.

Meaning: I think a mom will have to be even more than she was prior tothe divorce. Taking on subjects and roles to fill in for dad not being there on the constant. ie. teaching the child something dad may have taken on had he still been there. How to change a tire, mow the grass, throw a baseball around.

And on the other side, dad should be taking on more responsibility also. He will now have to take on some of the things that he maybe only reserved for mom when they were together. Not passing the buck. Which is what I believe a lot of men are still doing.

The ones who are passing the buck on to their new wives were probably not meaningfully involved with the kids even when still with mom. Just "being there" and present in the house and playing with the kids here and there and only doing the kid chores only when asked isn't good enough. A lot of new wives think that this is what a "great dad" looks like. Their standards are very low. Which is now why they feel the need to be new mommy when the kids visit.

Quoting samtatum145:

I guess I just don't see a couple who fall into roles within their house defined as "inept." There are plenty of houses with moms AND dads, and no step-anythings, where the mothers do the bathing and the dads cook, or the dad's do all of the soccer game stuff and the mom does the school events. It's just a matter of how that household is run. There shouldn't be a separation of duties just because the child within the household isn't the same blood as someone else. 

My boyfriend isn't irresponsible for staying home while I take the kids grocery shopping with me, just like I'm not irresponsible for allowing my boyfriend to cook food for his step-daughter.


annabl1970
by Gold Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 4:44 PM
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I yet have to see a single SM who complained about SF bathing and cooking for stepkids.
I remember a few of them complaining how BM, who uses help of her new husband with childcare , raise the hell because SM helps BF with the same.
I remember SM complaining about BM letting her kids call SF "dad" and having fit when BF lets kids call SM "mom".
I remember SM complaining about SF doing PUs and DOs, attending PTC, games and etc, but SM being forbidden from doing such.
And etc etc etc
But nope I don't remember SM whining about SF make a dinner for step child.
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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 4:50 PM
But the mom who is taking on the role of two people doesn't necessarily continue with both roles after she remarries. She might decide to stay at home and give up her job. She might decide to have her husband show the kids how to change the tire. Once you remarry you have the freedom to chose to settle back into the typical roles.

Quoting baparrot2:

Does that mean you are falling into "mom" role when my child is on visitation to your hypothetical house?

Sorry, I dont see it that way. When you divorce, it's not the time to replace. It is a time for a mother and a father to autonomously now take on stronger roles than when they were married to each other.

Meaning: I think a mom will have to be even more than she was prior tothe divorce. Taking on subjects and roles to fill in for dad not being there on the constant. ie. teaching the child something dad may have taken on had he still been there. How to change a tire, mow the grass, throw a baseball around.

And on the other side, dad should be taking on more responsibility also. He will now have to take on some of the things that he maybe only reserved for mom when they were together. Not passing the buck. Which is what I believe a lot of men are still doing.

The ones who are passing the buck on to their new wives were probably not meaningfully involved with the kids even when still with mom. Just "being there" and present in the house and playing with the kids here and there and only doing the kid chores only when asked isn't good enough. A lot of new wives think that this is what a "great dad" looks like. Their standards are very low. Which is now why they feel the need to be new mommy when the kids visit.

Quoting samtatum145:

I guess I just don't see a couple who fall into roles within their house defined as "inept." There are plenty of houses with moms AND dads, and no step-anythings, where the mothers do the bathing and the dads cook, or the dad's do all of the soccer game stuff and the mom does the school events. It's just a matter of how that household is run. There shouldn't be a separation of duties just because the child within the household isn't the same blood as someone else. 

My boyfriend isn't irresponsible for staying home while I take the kids grocery shopping with me, just like I'm not irresponsible for allowing my boyfriend to cook food for his step-daughter.


miapia1020
by Bronze Member on Oct. 20, 2013 at 5:00 PM
I think that if all parties involved are ok with the division of work, it should be ok.

Ex: I work late 4 nights a week and have 3 day weekends. Dh cooks dinner and takes care of homework when i'm working late. The 2 weekdays I have off work, I usually cook and take care of homework. Now, if I had an issue with sd involving her homework, I would for sure get dh involved and he would be quick to take over. I don't feel that comes off as dh not parenting like he should.

I do see your point when it comes to dealing with op. I will NOT get involved in that at all. Dh knows that even if it's an inconvenience to him, it's his responsibility to communicate with her and leave me out of it. That's just one of the things that comes with a divorce with kids.
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Oct. 20, 2013 at 5:05 PM



Quoting Mommy0505:

You imply that by not doing it themselves they are not handling things...

Team work is a good virtue to have in a relationship when it comes to kids.


One could turn this around and say that a BM, or you, were inept when married to the man because he handled yardwork or the paying of particular bills... It just doesn't make sense.  A person not doing everything doesn't equal a person shirking their responsibilities...


I don't imply that, I'm flat out saying that.  If the SM is bathing the kids, talking to mom, etc dad is not handling things.  She is.

Team work is great, but since dad and mom are the parents and divorce is supposed to change things, it stands to reason that dad needs to man up and take care of his kids on his time and deal with his ex as the other parent of the children.  

SM and dad acting like they are a nuclear family is different than an actual nuclear family.  The parents helping each other where their children are concerned is different than a dad having his wife take care of his kids on his time or talking to his for him.  SM isn't the mom, not the parent, she is the wife.  She is giving dad a way out of doing what he should be doing - at least it is if we're going to use some sm's argument against them and say that a divorce is supposed to change things and mom can't rely on dad to financially support her - dad can't rely on a woman to do his job for him either if he wants to be seen as a good parent.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Oct. 20, 2013 at 5:11 PM



Quoting samtatum145:

I guess I just don't see a couple who fall into roles within their house defined as "inept." There are plenty of houses with moms AND dads, and no step-anythings, where the mothers do the bathing and the dads cook, or the dad's do all of the soccer game stuff and the mom does the school events. It's just a matter of how that household is run. There shouldn't be a separation of duties just because the child within the household isn't the same blood as someone else. 

My boyfriend isn't irresponsible for staying home while I take the kids grocery shopping with me, just like I'm not irresponsible for allowing my boyfriend to cook food for his step-daughter.


Yep, mothers.  The parent.  SM isn't the parent.  That is the difference.  A blended family is not a nuclear one.  No matter how many pretty ribbons and bows one wants to put on it.

Kids are not houseplants or puppies.  It does matter who takes care of them.  My used to tell me how much they hated their father leaving them with his wife or when she offered to to keep them so he could go do whatever.  They said they didn't mind hanging out with him where ever he was going - the store or a friend's house, the wanted to spend time with him, not her.  He didn't get that, she didn't get that.    

It isn't about how the house is run that should determine the roles.  The mom role is never open just because the gf or Sm thinks it is when other people's children are there to spend time with their father.  If he can't handle taking care of his children the kids shouldn't be there.

Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Oct. 20, 2013 at 5:14 PM
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I don't see what's wrong with what works for one family may not work in yours. Just because they chose to live their remarried lives that's not your way doesn't mean it's wrong or making excuses. If a woman feels like the man should 100% take care of their own child...cool. If they decide to, oh I dunno, act like a family even if they all aren't blood, cool. What does it matter? If it works, it works.

I have no issue with my DH working while I'm home (for now) taking care of my kids, our newborn, and even his daughter every other week and the house. When he's home, he helps, takes care of his daughter and my DDs love and respect him like a father. He and I communicate and make decisions together. Communication with the ex is not always easy in some cases.

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