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Husbands difficulty with new family

Posted by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 6:50 PM
  • 65 Replies

My husband and I have been married for a year and dated for a year before we were married. I have a 15 year old son and he has a 6 year old son. This is my first marriage but his second. My son's father has remarried and I am extremely grateful to his stepmom for caring for him while he visits his Dad. My husband's ex,who lives 45 minutes away in a very small town (1200 population) has been extremely resistant to me from day one. She has admittedly said to him she knows she needs to get used to me being around and for a little while she was but I guess she feels her toes have been stepped on by me. I wore a team tshirt i made to a football game and she hadn't received her team shirt and was VERY upset that she was HIS mom not me...so on and so on. I have had sympathy for her because i feel like she still loved my husband when he left her and have been understanding about most everything she lashes out about. She has been hateful to me and the sympathy is over. I fell in love and married her ex husband and we are a family but as long as she throws these fits my husband continues to not want me around. For the small period of time things were good because she and I were communicating somewhat in a nice way...she even asked me to keep in touch with her while we were on a trip bc my husband didn't want her to bother us. Now, he doesn't want me to go to his town and take his son trick or treating for Halloween because it would make his son feel weird. Truth is his son told me how grateful he was to have me as his stepmom so I think its my husband who "feels weird" I guess its like this...as long as the ex is happy im allowed to be involved but the minute "her toes are stepped on" she throws a tantrum and now im supposed to step  back? But he doesn't say it in that way and this is after a couple of hours of disagreeing 

by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 6:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 6:56 PM

How long ago was the divorce? What is the custody schedule like?

USBrit
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 6:58 PM
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You will learn that being a SM is difficult. Just put yourself in her shoes.....you say that you and your son's SM get along fine, but they live far away and so it doesn't directly impact you. What if you showed up to some function of your son's and his SM had some shirt that showed support for him and you (his mom) didn't have it. How would you feel??? You need to take a giant step back and let the parents be who they need to be for this little boy. You sound like you are taking some sense of satisfaction in the fact that DH dumped this woman and he is now yours.....how hurtful...what if that was YOU that got dumped. Stop and do unto others...step into her shoes for a little while.

skigirl34
by Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:14 PM

I met my husband 4-5 months after his divorce was final. His visitation is pretty much every other weekend and one visit for a couple hours through the week. He fights for it constantly.  It has been pretty much dependent on how happy he keeps her. If he keeps me away then she is happy but if I come around she takes some of his visitation away from him. Its wearing on us both.

bellasmom423
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:14 PM
I feel you pain. I went to a hockey tournament last year and BM told me I needed to not clap or cheer for SS because I was not his mom. I pulled her to the side and explained that if I did not cheer or act interested that SS would be hurt and that I understood how she felt and agreed to never go to his events again. Then she told SS that I did not care because I didn't go to his events. It is a lose-lose situation. I try so hard to please her and she becomes a bigger witch.
skigirl34
by Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:30 PM

My son's sm and dad live the same distance away as my ss bm. If she showed up to my son's ballgame supporting him with a tshirt I know it would make my son happy and that just one of my roles as bm...i think the more loved and cared for my son feels the happier he will be. is that wrong? if it was up to bm my son and i would stay at home and not come to my ss games. is that right?

 As far as liking the fact that my husband left his wife....i do feel sympathy for her because I am very much in love with my husband and she messed up when she filed for the divorce.  That sucks bad for her as i think she regrets it now. I have been very patient but she is being down right nasty and has told my ss that she doesn't want to be around me...come on?!  

My husband is a great dad and we truly have a great time as a family....our family feels complete when we have both our kids...it just sucks for him as she won't allow him any extra time if she thinks my son and i are involved

grownsexy
by Bronze Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:36 PM
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Most men don't know how to step up and be a man in the new relationship. Until he stepped up I would stand down. I would go with him but I would be neutral. I would not show support nor would I participate unless he asked me. His ex is bitter and jealous. Jealousy is a nasty cup to drink from. Stand down, it is not your job to defend your actions for supporting your step child. I feel that your DH should back you up. If he can't back you up then don't go to the games. I would be cordial to his kid and that's it. It is impossible to be a step mom when jealousy and bitterness is in the mix.

When things calm down perhaps you and the mom can try to get along for the sake of the child again. Keep trying if dad don't back you then perhaps he should start looking for his third wife. Personally, I'm done with men that don't have a back bone.

skigirl34
by Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:40 PM

I guess that is what I can't understand. I feel like its mine and my husband's job to decide roles and boundaries to a degree.  He and I got married and we sealed the deal...obviously the kids didn't necessarily get a say in it but I was sooo excited to be a part of my ss life and he really loves me.  He is too cute and tells me how happy he is to have a stepmom!! I had two really awesome stepparents who treated me amazingly. My birthparents got along with my stepparents so well and treated each other with a great deal of respect. I have realized that I had an idealized view of stepparenting but its really about making the kids feel special and being a big fan and a great friend. I feel like unless im doing something to harm my ss, bm needs to keep her insecurities to herself.

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:41 PM
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Quoting skigirl34:

My son's sm and dad live the same distance away as my ss bm. If she showed up to my son's ballgame supporting him with a tshirt I know it would make my son happy and that just one of my roles as bm...i think the more loved and cared for my son feels the happier he will be. is that wrong? if it was up to bm my son and i would stay at home and not come to my ss games. is that right? It's not right or wrong. It's how she feels. Personally I would avoid wearing a t-shirt that associates you with the ss and sit in a non in your face place.

 As far as liking the fact that my husband left his wife....i do feel sympathy for her because I am very much in love with my husband and she messed up when she filed for the divorce.  That sucks bad for her as i think she regrets it now. I have been very patient but she is being down right nasty and has told my ss that she doesn't want to be around me...come on?!  I don't think she should have said that but why would she want to be around you that seems normal to me. I didn't want to be around my ex or his new wife either.

My husband is a great dad and we truly have a great time as a family....our family feels complete when we have both our kids...it just sucks for him as she won't allow him any extra time if she thinks my son and i are involved You do realize the reverse of this is her family isn't complete when he is with your dh?



soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:43 PM
2 moms liked this

When it comes to your ss it is not your job to decide boundries with your ss. It's your job to decide your boundries with your home but not your ss.


Quoting skigirl34:

I guess that is what I can't understand. I feel like its mine and my husband's job to decide roles and boundaries to a degree.  He and I got married and we sealed the deal...obviously the kids didn't necessarily get a say in it but I was sooo excited to be a part of my ss life and he really loves me.  He is too cute and tells me how happy he is to have a stepmom!! I had two really awesome stepparents who treated me amazingly. My birthparents got along with my stepparents so well and treated each other with a great deal of respect. I have realized that I had an idealized view of stepparenting but its really about making the kids feel special and being a big fan and a great friend. I feel like unless im doing something to harm my ss, bm needs to keep her insecurities to herself.



amantonacci
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:51 PM
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If it would make things better for your ss if it eased the tension between bm and bf why wouldn't you stay home? Support him by allowing his parents to have a peaceful relationship with each other 

Quoting skigirl34:

My son's sm and dad live the same distance away as my ss bm. If she showed up to my son's ballgame supporting him with a tshirt I know it would make my son happy and that just one of my roles as bm...i think the more loved and cared for my son feels the happier he will be. is that wrong? if it was up to bm my son and i would stay at home and not come to my ss games. is that right?

 As far as liking the fact that my husband left his wife....i do feel sympathy for her because I am very much in love with my husband and she messed up when she filed for the divorce.  That sucks bad for her as i think she regrets it now. I have been very patient but she is being down right nasty and has told my ss that she doesn't want to be around me...come on?!  

My husband is a great dad and we truly have a great time as a family....our family feels complete when we have both our kids...it just sucks for him as she won't allow him any extra time if she thinks my son and i are involved



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