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DH in mediation right now re: CS - would love some insight!

Posted by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 9:16 PM
  • 69 Replies

DH is in mediation as we speak. What have been your experiences on this? It's the first I've ever encountered the need for it.

I'll give a little backstory and I'd love to hear some feedback on his situation if you've been through something similar. And I apoogize if I sound DH-biased in what I recount - it's only because I only see what DH spends, I'm not privy to BM's finances. It's also worth noting that he and I have separate finances so none of this impacts me directly. (If anyone needs to know the salaries are DH $78K and BM $50K).

So - it all boils down to CS (doesn't it always?) :). DH has 40% custody, BM has 60%. The CO states DH is to pay $900/mo to BM + half medical. "No other transfers to be made" is what the rest says in that regard. 

When DH and I first got together, he conveyed to me that the CS agreement works for him because it means BM does all the school shopping, takes care of the little things, etc with the CS and that saves him having to do it.

However, ever since I've known him (2.5 years), he's always done his own school shopping for the kids, because he wants them to have clothes over here. Totally get that. He also pays half of any extracurriculars, because BM asks but also just because he doesn't want them to miss out on opportunities. Again, I get it. He also tends to pick up the slack just because he is generous whereas BM is not - for instance, if one of the kids drops a phone, he replaces it, etc. Because BM refuses to.

Obviously he also incurs expenses when he has the kids - and being almost 50/50 custody the child support sets him back quite a bit more than if he were still married and just supporting 1 household, as he's supporting them when he has them as well as when BM has them. 

So, this arrangement of splitting everything 50/50 (plus the CS payment) was working fine until this September, when the kids told us that BM said it was DH's responsibility to buy the school clothes. BM hadn'tbought them anything, which was news to us. Before this announcement, DH had bought them each 2 shirts, 1 pants, and 1 shoes - because he wanted to. He hadn't realized it had become an "expectation". 

So when DH declined on purchasing iPad insurance for SS13, BM asked if he was then willing to pay the replacement cost if the iPad was destroyed, to which DH responded "Isn't the insurance what CS is for?" (Because after the school clothes incident he was questioning just what it was being used for). 

So now BM is taking him to mediation to dispute just what CS is supposed to cover. 

So, my question is, if the CO says DH is to pay $900 + half medical and no other transfers, IS he obligated to pay half of everything else? (Given he does support them when he has them).

by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 9:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 9:27 PM
1 mom liked this

No.  But he has set precedent by doing so all these years so it might be hard to put that genie back in the bottle.

I never had a need for mediation with BF, but DH did it with BM at the suggestion of his attorney.  Utter waste of time since the "agreements" they came to were non binding and BM changed her mind the next day.  And the agreements they came to were minor.  Because the mediator didn't inform DH what an evil man he was, BM spent most of the session trying to argue her "DH is an evil ass" case.

In court, however, DH prevailed on everything.  And he was one of those overly generous pay for anything to avoid conflict type of guy.  And truth be told, when he made twice what he earns now and we lived in one household, it was easy for me to like the generous man that he was.  But when he lost his job and only found one paying less than half 3 hours away and she still wanted what she always got, I was glad when he fought her on it.

I also love and respect that in mediation, he offered a financial deal that was over guidelines.  And almost twice as much than what she ended up getting from the judge.  A dad can be generous.  And then he can get taken advantage of.

Good luck.

runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 9:52 PM


You really hit the nail on the head with that first sentence. SO many precedents were set in the first several years following their divorce (Basically: BM "do what I say"  DH: Ok) so when he questions the smallest thing, it ends up in these extreme measures for BM to gain control again (she's threatened much worse than mediation). And seriously I want to say to her, "Do you really not see what an amazing ex you have? Be thankful!!" 

So are you happy with how mediation turned out for your husband? He offered more, but that worked? He wasn't taken advantage of?

Quoting pdxmum:

No.  But he has set precedent by doing so all these years so it might be hard to put that genie back in the bottle.

I never had a need for mediation with BF, but DH did it with BM at the suggestion of his attorney.  Utter waste of time since the "agreements" they came to were non binding and BM changed her mind the next day.  And the agreements they came to were minor.  Because the mediator didn't inform DH what an evil man he was, BM spent most of the session trying to argue her "DH is an evil ass" case.

In court, however, DH prevailed on everything.  And he was one of those overly generous pay for anything to avoid conflict type of guy.  And truth be told, when he made twice what he earns now and we lived in one household, it was easy for me to like the generous man that he was.  But when he lost his job and only found one paying less than half 3 hours away and she still wanted what she always got, I was glad when he fought her on it.

I also love and respect that in mediation, he offered a financial deal that was over guidelines.  And almost twice as much than what she ended up getting from the judge.  A dad can be generous.  And then he can get taken advantage of.

Good luck.



looneytunes290
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:03 PM
No- but I am surprised his cs is so low in comparison to his income- I would have guessed that it would be 1200-1500. Has it been evaluated recently?
runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:08 PM


Really? Geez $900 seems so high to me, I guess because taking money from others when I'm perfectly capable doesn't sit right with me. :) Yes he recently had a family lawyer double check it, because it was determined when BM was making $0 and now she's making $50k. 

It stayed the same despite her income increase, because two of their kids are now teens and therefore cost more.


Quoting looneytunes290:

No- but I am surprised his cs is so low in comparison to his income- I would have guessed that it would be 1200-1500. Has it been evaluated recently?



pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:11 PM


Mediation did nothing except cost him money.  Change only happened in court with a judge deciding.  He was definitely not taken advantage of in court.  She immediately told her 16 year old daughter that she lost and that they were now poor.  So BM felt taken advantage of.  She filed an appeal.  DH countersued for his legal expenses laying out her frivolous and unreasonable demands. (The fact that she got nothing that she was hoping for demonstrated that).  She dropped her appeal.

Try not to worry what BM thinks of DH.  In their marriage, I can except the fact that he might not have been amazing.  I like to think we are amazing together.  It took me awhile to see anything positive about my ex.  But I'm sure SM thought he was the best dad and husband from day one.  And maybe he is with her.


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


You really hit the nail on the head with that first sentence. SO many precedents were set in the first several years following their divorce (Basically: BM "do what I say"  DH: Ok) so when he questions the smallest thing, it ends up in these extreme measures for BM to gain control again (she's threatened much worse than mediation). And seriously I want to say to her, "Do you really not see what an amazing ex you have? Be thankful!!" 

So are you happy with how mediation turned out for your husband? He offered more, but that worked? He wasn't taken advantage of?

Quoting pdxmum:

No.  But he has set precedent by doing so all these years so it might be hard to put that genie back in the bottle.

I never had a need for mediation with BF, but DH did it with BM at the suggestion of his attorney.  Utter waste of time since the "agreements" they came to were non binding and BM changed her mind the next day.  And the agreements they came to were minor.  Because the mediator didn't inform DH what an evil man he was, BM spent most of the session trying to argue her "DH is an evil ass" case.

In court, however, DH prevailed on everything.  And he was one of those overly generous pay for anything to avoid conflict type of guy.  And truth be told, when he made twice what he earns now and we lived in one household, it was easy for me to like the generous man that he was.  But when he lost his job and only found one paying less than half 3 hours away and she still wanted what she always got, I was glad when he fought her on it.

I also love and respect that in mediation, he offered a financial deal that was over guidelines.  And almost twice as much than what she ended up getting from the judge.  A dad can be generous.  And then he can get taken advantage of.

Good luck.





looneytunes290
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:16 PM
I guess it just depends on the state- here they say it is all added into the formula but it ALWAYS comes out to about 25 percent of the NCP income. In my opinion I'm not in favor if doing extra. We did for many years and I was the biggest duck in the puddle in it. I don't think it causes anything but problems. If I had it to do over again we would not do extra. Especially not after the kids reach an age where they can choose to move to the other house. (I also don't advocate kids bouncing back and forth) however- the rules are set up so that it is fair in both houses. The cp is usually expected to cover the expenses that are incurred when the kid is with her- and that usually covers ec- etc. if we had it to do over we would not do extra and if the kids wanted us to provide for them additionally they would be allowed to move in with us and abide by our house rules. If NCP aren't careful they can provide too much in situations that their efforts aren't appreciated and cause more problems. That's just my opinion-

Quoting runinpinkshoes:Really? Geez $900 seems so high to me, I guess because taking money from others when I'm perfectly capable doesn't sit right with me. :) Yes he recently had a family lawyer double check it, because it was determined when BM was making $0 and now she's making $50k. It stayed the same despite her income increase, because two of their kids are now teens and therefore cost more.
Quoting looneytunes290:No- but I am surprised his cs is so low in comparison to his income- I would have guessed that it would be 1200-1500. Has it been evaluated recently?
runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:23 PM


Well my husband does have 40% custody.

Quoting looneytunes290:

I guess it just depends on the state- here they say it is all added into the formula but it ALWAYS comes out to about 25 percent of the NCP income. In my opinion I'm not in favor if doing extra. We did for many years and I was the biggest duck in the puddle in it. I don't think it causes anything but problems. If I had it to do over again we would not do extra. Especially not after the kids reach an age where they can choose to move to the other house. (I also don't advocate kids bouncing back and forth) however- the rules are set up so that it is fair in both houses. The cp is usually expected to cover the expenses that are incurred when the kid is with her- and that usually covers ec- etc. if we had it to do over we would not do extra and if the kids wanted us to provide for them additionally they would be allowed to move in with us and abide by our house rules. If NCP aren't careful they can provide too much in situations that their efforts aren't appreciated and cause more problems. That's just my opinion-

Quoting runinpinkshoes:Really? Geez $900 seems so high to me, I guess because taking money from others when I'm perfectly capable doesn't sit right with me. :) Yes he recently had a family lawyer double check it, because it was determined when BM was making $0 and now she's making $50k. It stayed the same despite her income increase, because two of their kids are now teens and therefore cost more.
Quoting looneytunes290:No- but I am surprised his cs is so low in comparison to his income- I would have guessed that it would be 1200-1500. Has it been evaluated recently?



runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:25 PM


I love this. 

Quoting pdxmum:

Try not to worry what BM thinks of DH.  In their marriage, I can except the fact that he might not have been amazing.  I like to think we are amazing together.  It took me awhile to see anything positive about my ex.  But I'm sure SM thought he was the best dad and husband from day one.  And maybe he is with her.

looneytunes290
by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:35 PM
That is the standard here- my dh does too.

Quoting runinpinkshoes:


Well my husband does have 40% custody.


Quoting looneytunes290:

I guess it just depends on the state- here they say it is all added into the formula but it ALWAYS comes out to about 25 percent of the NCP income. In my opinion I'm not in favor if doing extra. We did for many years and I was the biggest duck in the puddle in it. I don't think it causes anything but problems. If I had it to do over again we would not do extra. Especially not after the kids reach an age where they can choose to move to the other house. (I also don't advocate kids bouncing back and forth) however- the rules are set up so that it is fair in both houses. The cp is usually expected to cover the expenses that are incurred when the kid is with her- and that usually covers ec- etc. if we had it to do over we would not do extra and if the kids wanted us to provide for them additionally they would be allowed to move in with us and abide by our house rules. If NCP aren't careful they can provide too much in situations that their efforts aren't appreciated and cause more problems. That's just my opinion-



Quoting runinpinkshoes:Really? Geez $900 seems so high to me, I guess because taking money from others when I'm perfectly capable doesn't sit right with me. :) Yes he recently had a family lawyer double check it, because it was determined when BM was making $0 and now she's making $50k. It stayed the same despite her income increase, because two of their kids are now teens and therefore cost more.

Quoting looneytunes290:No- but I am surprised his cs is so low in comparison to his income- I would have guessed that it would be 1200-1500. Has it been evaluated recently?




soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 10:46 PM

Dang 900 a month isn't very much for 3 kids at that income level. My Ex was CO to pay the barest min in our state and it was only about 60 less then what your DH pays per a kid.

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