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Ex hates me

Posted by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 6:45 AM
  • 161 Replies
1 mom liked this
My husband's ex hates me (and him) because she has convinced herself that we had an affair while they were together, which we didn't. She believes this because we were friends while they were married and we began dating while they were separated. She refuses to acknowledge anything other than we had an affair while they were together (she even got an STD test during their separation!!!) and that he left her for me.

I can deal with her targeted hatred towards me and her incorrect assumptions, but it's so sad to see how openly she and her parents (whip watch the kids daily) hate me and my husband to others and especially to the kids. My husband has a really close relationship with his kids and he has been diligent about listening to the kids' counselor's advice about their emotional well-being, introducing me to them, and integrating me into their family. It's gone beautifully and the kids and I have a wonderful, loving relationship. We have never said anything negative about their mom and we include her in our prayers at mealtime and at bedtime with them.

My issue is that due to the overt hatred from their mom, they don't talk to either her or their dad about anything happening in their lives at the other's house. We hear is obvious tension whenever their mom calls to talk to them and she's asking them about their day. They are also bothered and confused whenever we say something good about their mom. My question is, is there anything we can do to help this? Any thoughts are appreciated.
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 6:45 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Parklover
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 6:52 AM
I should add my husband I just got married and that it's been 3 years since they separated and nearly 2 years since their divorce was final.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 7:05 AM
3 moms liked this

This.

Whether you had an affair or not, this is to to be expected when you date a married man before he is divorced.


Quoting chanizen:

*sigh. He was still married,you were dating him,  surely you don't expect her to be your fan or to trust you?




dawnnamarie
by Silver Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 7:25 AM
1 mom liked this
Honestly, i don't talk about this much..... But I was in a similar situation. The only difference was that bm was already living with another man by the time Dh and I started talking. They were separated and the divorce was held on parenting classes that they couldn't take until he got out of the army and moved home.... I even was introduced to her and her new bf a couple months before the divorce was finalized. It was awkward....

We've been together for 3 years and married for 6 months. She still occasional makes catty remarks about how I was sleeping with her husband when she gets into fights with Dh. I would like to say time magically changes things, but so far it hasn't made a difference for us. That's far from the only high conflict issue in our relationship with bm, though.
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 7:48 AM
1 mom liked this
Ummm....he WAS still married. Sometimes when seperated....couples reconcile and STAY married. I'm guessing that's how his ex wife views it, hence her anger.

My advice is to find Doc Brown and that delorian and go back in time and wait for the divorce.

As to the rest..you have to realize that someday, when their kids are older, they may also blame you. Kids loyalties are divided tween their BPs. Guess where that leaves you? I'm sure you are probably a nice person. Just a bad situation.
Parklover
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 8:32 AM
I would definitely love that delorian! I am under no illusions now that it was okay for us to date before his divorce was final. At the time, I either was too stupid or simply wasn't as aware as I am now of what a grievous mistake it was. If I could slap myself back then, I would!!! But I can't and life has to go on.

My main concern now is for the sweet kids who are stuck in the middle of all this incredible hatred. I'm getting the impression though from the posters that I'm to blame for the hatred. I really appreciate the perspective even if it's hard to read. It's a sentiment I've struggled with. Any advice though on moving forward?


Quoting malinda74:

Ummm....he WAS still married. Sometimes when seperated....couples reconcile and STAY married. I'm guessing that's how his ex wife views it, hence her anger.



My advice is to find Doc Brown and that delorian and go back in time and wait for the divorce.



As to the rest..you have to realize that someday, when their kids are older, they may also blame you. Kids loyalties are divided tween their BPs. Guess where that leaves you? I'm sure you are probably a nice person. Just a bad situation.

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 8:35 AM
1 mom liked this
Well...I'd make it a point to stay out of BM's way. What is the custody arrangement?


Quoting Parklover:

I would definitely love that delorian! I am under no illusions now that it was okay for us to date before his divorce was final. At the time, I either was too stupid or simply wasn't as aware as I am now of what a grievous mistake it was. If I could slap myself back then, I would!!! But I can't and life has to go on.



My main concern now is for the sweet kids who are stuck in the middle of all this incredible hatred. I'm getting the impression though from the posters that I'm to blame for the hatred. I really appreciate the perspective even if it's hard to read. It's a sentiment I've struggled with. Any advice though on moving forward?




Quoting malinda74:

Ummm....he WAS still married. Sometimes when seperated....couples reconcile and STAY married. I'm guessing that's how his ex wife views it, hence her anger.





My advice is to find Doc Brown and that delorian and go back in time and wait for the divorce.





As to the rest..you have to realize that someday, when their kids are older, they may also blame you. Kids loyalties are divided tween their BPs. Guess where that leaves you? I'm sure you are probably a nice person. Just a bad situation.


EricaG87
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 8:48 AM

 I understand where you are coming from on the whole tension about talking about each other's houses type of thing.  When BM calls SD when she is here SD is careful to not act like she's been having too much fun. She has said to us before that she doesn't want to tell about very many fun things that she's done, just a couple. We give SD privacy when she's on the phone, although we can still generally hear her when she's talking we let her go in her room or the bathroom and don't put the phone on speakerphone or anything. 

When SDs talking to DH on the phone it is painfully strained because BM makes SD sit right next to her and puts DH on speakerphone so that she can hear everything they both say.  If dh mentions anything about me then SD barely responds (even though I know she adores me) because she doesn't want to upset her mom. To me, this is just wrong. DH has never abused his phone calls to SD for any reason, and to infrgine on their short phone calls together like that and make them awkward and lacking in emotion is a horrible thing to do to your child imo.  We are just hoping that at some point SD gets old enough to where she tells BM that she wants privacy on the phone with her father, until then there are bigger issues to get past with BM, than that, so we pick our battles.

Do you make the kids talk to her next to you, or with their mom on speakerphone? If so that could be a reason for some of the tension.

Parklover
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 8:56 AM
No, we tell the kids to go into another room, but we can hear their tone and lots of "I don't knows." We can also hear when we're in the car and she calls. We try hard not to listen, but sometimes it's hard.

Good advice though. I'll be especially mindful of giving them as much privacy as possible and avoiding calling when we're in the car.


Quoting EricaG87:

 I understand where you are coming from on the whole tension about talking about each other's houses type of thing.  When BM calls SD when she is here SD is careful to not act like she's been having too much fun. She has said to us before that she doesn't want to tell about very many fun things that she's done, just a couple. We give SD privacy when she's on the phone, although we can still generally hear her when she's talking we let her go in her room or the bathroom and don't put the phone on speakerphone or anything. 


When SDs talking to DH on the phone it is painfully strained because BM makes SD sit right next to her and puts DH on speakerphone so that she can hear everything they both say.  If dh mentions anything about me then SD barely responds (even though I know she adores me) because she doesn't want to upset her mom. To me, this is just wrong. DH has never abused his phone calls to SD for any reason, and to infrgine on their short phone calls together like that and make them awkward and lacking in emotion is a horrible thing to do to your child imo.  We are just hoping that at some point SD gets old enough to where she tells BM that she wants privacy on the phone with her father, until then there are bigger issues to get past with BM, than that, so we pick our battles.


Do you make the kids talk to her next to you, or with their mom on speakerphone? If so that could be a reason for some of the tension.


Parklover
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 9:00 AM
Basically 2/3 time with bm and 1/3 time with dad. They are usually dropped off/picked up from school. I do avoid her, even to the point that I've never been to a school or extracurricular event to avoid a scene. Ran into her once at the store about a month ago when she had the kids. She yelled at me and my husband and made a scene. I hate the kids to see that.
DeliteCrazy
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 9:09 AM
Why did they divorce?
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