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DH dealing with teenage daughter

Posted by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 10:36 AM
  • 15 Replies
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My DH confessed last night that he feels envious of my relationship with his daughter (my SD13).

She and I have good relationship. Nothing mind blowing, but she chit chats with me and seems to fill me in on things more so than with her Dad. And rightfully so, he feels a little miffed. He is an amazing Dad, asks questions, very supportive, has 50/50 time... but she is a girl and is beginning to have more and more "girly" interests.

Any suggestions or ideas on how my DH can keep a close relationship with his little girl? I suggested he take her out on a date night this Friday, just the two of them. What do you all think?

 

 

by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 10:36 AM
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runinpinkshoes
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 10:50 AM
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Lucky you, a good relationship with your teenage SD! :) I think a date night sounds like a great idea. I think it woud also be good for your husband to find things to bond with her over that aren't necessarily "girl-things". He can find a special activity/create a tradition that just they do together.


NTMBeth
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 11:05 AM

I like your idea of the "non-girly things" (she love cars and mechanics, which she totally gets from him).

She can be a little moody like any other teenager, but for the most part she is very easy going. The past few months she has been up my butt, just hanging out in whatever room I am in and chatting me up.

I am thankful that she enjoys being with me (who wouldn't be?) but I hate seeing my DH feeling left out. It's more important for them to have a strong bond, and if she and I can be close, too... then that is just an added bonus.

Quoting runinpinkshoes:

it woud also be good for your husband to find things to bond with her over that aren't necessarily "girl-things". He can find a special activity/create a tradition that just they do together.

SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 2:38 PM

I would find a hobby that they could do together. Something that will interest both of them.

jules2boys
by Silver Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 3:07 PM

date night sounds good, something SHE chooses perhaps?  Also, perhaps, help him listen more and talk less. Men, dads in particular, tend to want to 'fix' something when they hear or perceive there is a problem, when women/girls tend to 'vent' but they aren't necessarily looking for a 'fix' to the situation.  Help him understand (or even come right out and ASK her what she wants from him ahead of time) that she may just be venting but not looking to him to 'fix' whatever it is she's chatting about with you.  Maybe she's tired of dad trying to 'fix' things?  Maybe you can mention to SD that her dad misses her too and does want to spend time with just her? 

SD or DD, it's great you have a good relationship with her at 13!  That's nearly a miracle! ;) 

NTMBeth
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 3:32 PM
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Wow, you hit that on the head. My DH is definitely a "fixer". He wants everyone to be happy so badly that he will jump through hoops immediately. But in the meantime he seems to spreading himself too thin.

An example of what just came up... SD13 has been working on her Halloween costume and mentioned needing tights to me. So, we discussed colors, etc., and I told her I would grab some at the store.

Meanwhile, last night SD13 joined me at the kitchen table for about an hour... just chit chatting about random stuff. We talked about her field trip the next day, trick or treating, teachers at school, etc. DH came upstairs and tried to join in the convo but SD13 clammed up quite a bit. The mood definitely shifted and he felt it.

When SD13 went to bed, my DH opened up about feeling envious and it went from there. I suggested that this Friday he have a date night with her. He immediately said, "Yeah, I can take her to go get her tights for her costume." At first I just nodded and let him go on with his thoughts but then today I told him that he should probably let me grab the tights (it may be embarrassing for her to shop for them with Dad, like the equivalent of shopping for underwear or a bra) but that they should do dinner and go do something fun, like ice skating or laser tag (they both like both).

 Quoting jules2boys:

date night sounds good, something SHE chooses perhaps?  Also, perhaps, help him listen more and talk less. Men, dads in particular, tend to want to 'fix' something when they hear or perceive there is a problem, when women/girls tend to 'vent' but they aren't necessarily looking for a 'fix' to the situation.  Help him understand (or even come right out and ASK her what she wants from him ahead of time) that she may just be venting but not looking to him to 'fix' whatever it is she's chatting about with you.  Maybe she's tired of dad trying to 'fix' things?  Maybe you can mention to SD that her dad misses her too and does want to spend time with just her? 

 

SD or DD, it's great you have a good relationship with her at 13!  That's nearly a miracle! ;) 

 

 

 

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 3:51 PM
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This is so true.  DH does this with all three of his kids.  He is currently in a 12 week program for helping parents with depressed kids, and one of the first lessons was about devaluing and one of the way parents tend to do that is to go right to problem solving.

It's funny, DH never does this with me.  Somewhere along the road of life he learned that women like when their partners listen and not jump in to fix.  he is an amazing listener.  But he never applied that lesson to child rearing.


Quoting jules2boys:

date night sounds good, something SHE chooses perhaps?  Also, perhaps, help him listen more and talk less. Men, dads in particular, tend to want to 'fix' something when they hear or perceive there is a problem, when women/girls tend to 'vent' but they aren't necessarily looking for a 'fix' to the situation.  Help him understand (or even come right out and ASK her what she wants from him ahead of time) that she may just be venting but not looking to him to 'fix' whatever it is she's chatting about with you.  Maybe she's tired of dad trying to 'fix' things?  Maybe you can mention to SD that her dad misses her too and does want to spend time with just her? 

SD or DD, it's great you have a good relationship with her at 13!  That's nearly a miracle! ;) 



pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 3:55 PM
1 mom liked this

One of the best ways I kept lines of communication open with my teens was to understand the change in their circadian rhythms.  They are now night owls.  I found that if I stayed up and simply was around when they came downstairs for that 11:00 snack and held back and just participated in the snacking, they tended to open up to me.  You can't push a teen, you need to make opportunities and hope they start talking.

Or you just have to be there with them.  Sometimes SS15 just wants to sit close to me and not feel any pressure to talk.  So we sit on my bed and enter the you tube tunnel of time wasting.  Or we pull out a deck of cards and play.

Teens are like skittish colts sometime.  I am the Teen Whisperer.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 3:57 PM


I think the idea of taking her to buy tights was a good one. Tights are not like underwear or bras, they're more like socks.

Doing routine, mundane things together is a good way to bond. 

Quoting NTMBeth:

He immediately said, "Yeah, I can take her to go get her tights for her costume." At first I just nodded and let him go on with his thoughts but then today I told him that he should probably let me grab the tights (it may be embarrassing for her to shop for them with Dad, like the equivalent of shopping for underwear or a bra) 

NTMBeth
by Bronze Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:10 PM
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Maybe you're right on that. But he actually does the mundane things with her all the time. Way more often than I do.

He is going to take her to get addtional "accessories" for her costume. So maybe it will be a good combination.

Quoting whatIknownow:

 

I think the idea of taking her to buy tights was a good one. Tights are not like underwear or bras, they're more like socks.

Doing routine, mundane things together is a good way to bond. 

Quoting NTMBeth:

He immediately said, "Yeah, I can take her to go get her tights for her costume." At first I just nodded and let him go on with his thoughts but then today I told him that he should probably let me grab the tights (it may be embarrassing for her to shop for them with Dad, like the equivalent of shopping for underwear or a bra) 

 

soon2bmomof2grs
by Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:41 PM

A date night sounds like a good plan. He can take her to dinner and a movie or out to do something. Maybe even if he offered to take one of her friends with them too. I don't really know what she is into, but he could always take her to get her hair done or nails, maybe makeup at one of the stores that still do your makeup, lol. If she is into any sports he could take her to a game. If she is into any activities; art, drama, etc - maybe he could find something to do in one of those areas with her.

If there is a museam or zoo/aquarium he could take her there and see if they have any special things. I know it seems kiddish, but we all love those places and honestly would go without our kids if we could. We would love to take our older nephews with us.

Maybe they could take a mini-vaccation? Like a weekend trip, leave friday night and come back Sunday, not sure what you all are close to, but it would be a nice trip - eatting out and staying at a hotel.

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