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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Say something or keep quiet?

Posted by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:08 PM
  • 16 Replies

SD is friends with another little girl that lives with her dad and SM.  The dad works out of town most of the time, leaving the SM in charge of handling everything.  The BM is completely absent from the picture.

Now, I know how tough things can be as CSM.  I've had my various resentments over the years toward DH when I felt overwhelmed or toward BM when she could have stepped up and chose not to.  It's understandable to me that this little girl's SM may harbor similar feelings.  I sympathize with her general position.  BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She's fucking psychotic.

The BD will be in town next weekend, and we will cross paths.  My DH won't be in town or he'd probably say something because he's completely disgusted with what he's seen.  I'm disgusted.  The way SM treats the child is emotionally and pscyhologically abusive.  The child walks on eggshells.  My dealings with SM are limited and on a professional level, but I've just about had it with this self-centered bitch that takes everything out on the kid.  She threw herself a neat little tantrum last night, blaming the kid of course, that caught several onlookers in the middle either as unwilling messengers or rescuers.  That's kind of a final straw for me.  You don't wander onto my turf verbally abusing a child and treating a bunch of other folks like worthless peons.

I want to get hold of dad and ask him, "WTF????"  On one hand, he may take this EC away from his kid removing her from any further interaction with my SD, me, or other people who've befriended her, grown to care for her, and sheltered her at their houses during periods when he is gone and SM is pissing and moaning about how horrible it is to put up with this child all the time.  (I don't even know if he knows his daughter is routinely kicked out of the house.)  I do know if I confront SM, she'll pull her victim shit and ensure the kid is isolated.  On the other hand, BD himself has made some negative comments about SM alluding to similar behavior.  I wonder if he's on the fence about believing his child versus his wife.  His wife is an evil hag.  Anyhow...

Butt in or stay out?  I'm typically a "stay out" gal, but this.... I really want to ask him, "WTF is going on in your house?????"

by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jlg12678
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:15 PM

Will saying something improve the situation for the child or make it worse?

Is the abuse anything that could be investigated by CPS/outside sorce?

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:22 PM
I would find a very non-threatening way to bring it up to dad. Perhaps he has no idea how his child is being treated?

But what if he does and he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to lose his wife or babysitter or who knows what....

That's tough. Whether you say something to dad or not, SOMETHING should be done to protect the child. Dad does seem to be the best option...
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:35 PM


Quoting jlg12678:

Will saying something improve the situation for the child or make it worse?

Is the abuse anything that could be investigated by CPS/outside sorce?

Weird, I lost my response.

First question:  I don't know.  That's what I'm asking myself.

Second question:  I'm not aware the SM has ever laid a hand on the girl physically.  It's more a Cinderella story.  SM's kids are treated like royalty while BD's kid is constantly belittled and led to believe she's the root of all problems. 

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:47 PM

 


Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

I would find a very non-threatening way to bring it up to dad. Perhaps he has no idea how his child is being treated?

But what if he does and he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to lose his wife or babysitter or who knows what....

DH and I have discussed both those things. 

The SM is incredibly quick to call the BD when she's mad at the girl, and he is quick to jump his daughter's case about respecting her SM.  Problem is, I've seen first-hand some of what SM considers mistreatment.  I know he's being manipulated against his kid.  He's made comments, so I know he's aware of some of it.  Does he know just how bad it is?  No clue!

The sitter thing is the other deal.  He does know there's a problem.  We've heard divorce rumors.  I've heard those in financial context moreso than kid context though.  DH and I have both wondered aloud to each other if he's afraid of losing his child care or if he's just freaking clueless. 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:48 PM

I'd speak up, but, that's me... I'm not exactly known for keeping quiet... ;) 

When BD is in town next week, will you cross paths with him when SM isn't around?  Is there a way you can 'share' some of what you saw/heard without saying his wife is an evil hag?  ;)  If he's gone that much, he may NOT know what his dd is facing while he's gone.  Poor kid.  (SM in my situation treated YDS that way for a while, but I just kept pointing out to YDS that SM only saw him 1 morning a week, if that, and she couldn't possibly know how AWESOME he is the other 6 days of the week (as told and shared by countless others that know him, not just me, his biased mom).  That seemed to help some and now, at 11, he's so over it I'm not sure anything his SM said would phase him anymore, he just rolls his eyes at her tantrums).

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:50 PM

Is the child in counseling?  Would any other adult have also taken notice of sm's behavior?


Quoting Derdriu:

 

Quoting jlg12678:

Will saying something improve the situation for the child or make it worse?

Is the abuse anything that could be investigated by CPS/outside sorce?

Weird, I lost my response.

First question:  I don't know.  That's what I'm asking myself.

Second question:  I'm not aware the SM has ever laid a hand on the girl physically.  It's more a Cinderella story.  SM's kids are treated like royalty while BD's kid is constantly belittled and led to believe she's the root of all problems. 


 

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 5:01 PM

How old is SD?

looneytunes290
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 5:01 PM
I would say something to bd about it and also inform him that you have previously been a safe place for the child to go during times of turmoil. Maybe he will choose to leave out the details to sm and leve your name out of it if he is on the fence. Definitely say something- that is terrible! Honestly I don't know how SMs like that get away with it! I know an sm like that an can not for the life of me understand why to bd puts up with it!
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 5:25 PM

jlg - I'm not 100% sure if the kid is in counseling.  My SD has mentioned counseling, but I'm not clear if it's this child or one of her step-siblings that actually sees the counselor.  I am told, possibly inaccurately, that the SM is using one of her kid's protocals to "treat" this little girl for what SM thinks is wrong with her.  That sounded far-fetched to me, but at this point, I wouldn't put it past the SM.

pdx - The girl is 13.

kim8934
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 5:48 PM

butt in, but do it in a creative way.  Send him a thank you note about how his daughter has been a joy to be with and make sure you tell him she is always welcome to continue her lengthy visits.  He might not know there are other options

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