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The aftermath of parental alienation syndrome

Posted by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 11:33 PM
  • 21 Replies
I have been doing some reading in PAS. Has anyone else suffered from alienation- or their so? Do you feel like you alienate your kids? After some reading I was thankful to determine that I am NOT an alienator. Since my ex deserted I have feared alienating my kids further from him- but I concluded that my kids don't fall into the typical behaviors that kids who live through pas demonstrate- like fearing the other parent. However I am convinced that my husbands children suffer from PAS and would love feedback from other SMs about how to work on relationships with adult skids who have been alienated.
by on Oct. 26, 2013 at 11:33 PM
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 12:36 AM
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I always worried about what I say or my body language, worried that I would alienate and not intend to. I received my Medal of Honor (if you will) stamp of approval when my dd saw her dad for the first time after a short time of not seeing him, and she ran and jumped in his lap and needed no warming up period. The therapist told the judge that there was no obvious signs of alienation. I patted myself on the back. I had tried so hard to make sure I never talked negatively about him.

Some people do need to do research though. I read tons of PAS posts and the thing people don't understand is that in order for a situation to be considered PAS it must be successful and just not attempts. My dd suffers from pAS attempts but the attempts are not successful. I say suffers because she suffers through long weekends of having to deal with her father and SM trying to erase her memories. What they don't understand is that PAS takes time and consistency. It isn't going to happen over a weekend. It can take years for a child to finally believe what they are told and usually it is an absent parent. Custodial parents are much more successful at PAS than a non custodial parent because they often have more time to work on it.

PAS is devastating not only for the alienated parent but also for the child. My niece has been successfully alienated from my family, my brother/her father. A man who has always financially supported her and gone above the financial obligation but yet has not seen or talked to his child in years. She is now 18 and has just decided that he is a dead beat. A marine on his 19th year serving our country. But her mom says so so it must be true.
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OregonMom80
by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 12:43 AM
2 moms liked this
My mom did it to us. My dad was consistent. Kept inviting us even if we never came, was happy to have us when we did show, no guilt trips about not coming, no trash talking our mom.

Once the relationship was on stronger footing in adulthood, he did start to counter some of the programming with proof -a statement showing that he had paid his CS and wasn't "years behind because he doesn't give a sh*t about his kids". It takes patience and never giving up. I had little relationship with him until my mid-20s but by my early 30s I was closer to him than my mom.

I only really learned to appreciate my SM after I became one and learned how flipping hard it is.
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 12:45 AM

We have worked hard not to appear to alienate BM. We are very careful about what we say. Although we don't lie for her either or make her out to be better than she is. But we make sure the kids know she loves them.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 12:47 AM

What you wrote reminds me of my older sister and our dad (my step-sister and my step-dad). She calls him a deadbeat and blames him for not being around when she was a kid. Granted, what I know is second hand from my dad, but he was super involved through his divorce and up to about 3 years later when his ex moved, remarried, and he didn't know where she went. This was in the early 80s when it wasn't quite so easy to track people down.

When my sister was about 12 he found her again and was SUPER active (he was with my mom by that point). She would come and stay with us for weeks at a time during the summer and on school breaks. She went on family vacations with us and everything. When she was 15 she moved in with us. But, when she was 16 she got pregnant and right after she turned 17 she move out and got married (her mom signed off to approve it).

My sister and her husband and their two kids moved in with us again a few years later (probably 3 I think). My parents only asked them to help with $200 a month to put towards groceries. that was about 15 years ago. They moved out again and for YEARS the only time we saw them again was when my sister wanted money. When my parents didn't have it, she just stopped ALL contact.

A couple years ago she freaked out on our dad calling him a deadbeat and telling him he was never there for her and wasn't involved and ALL sorts of other crap. She refuses to even speak to any of us now. She told me and our younger sister and brother that we basically had to chose, our parents or her. No one has spoken to her in about 6 years at this point. She hasn't met my youngest, or either of our younger sister's kids. 


Quoting momof2ex1:

I always worried about what I say or my body language, worried that I would alienate and not intend to. I received my Medal of Honor (if you will) stamp of approval when my dd saw her dad for the first time after a short time of not seeing him, and she ran and jumped in his lap and needed no warming up period. The therapist told the judge that there was no obvious signs of alienation. I patted myself on the back. I had tried so hard to make sure I never talked negatively about him.

Some people do need to do research though. I read tons of PAS posts and the thing people don't understand is that in order for a situation to be considered PAS it must be successful and just not attempts. My dd suffers from pAS attempts but the attempts are not successful. I say suffers because she suffers through long weekends of having to deal with her father and SM trying to erase her memories. What they don't understand is that PAS takes time and consistency. It isn't going to happen over a weekend. It can take years for a child to finally believe what they are told and usually it is an absent parent. Custodial parents are much more successful at PAS than a non custodial parent because they often have more time to work on it.

PAS is devastating not only for the alienated parent but also for the child. My niece has been successfully alienated from my family, my brother/her father. A man who has always financially supported her and gone above the financial obligation but yet has not seen or talked to his child in years. She is now 18 and has just decided that he is a dead beat. A marine on his 19th year serving our country. But her mom says so so it must be true.



Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 12:52 AM

Both DH and I try really hard not to say anything negative about BM. One of the main reasons SD is in counseling is to help her deal with some of the issues with BM and to work on their relationship (although, BM never wants to come be a part of it).

BM tried to pull PAS. But, it never worked, thank God. It has just ended up causing some psychological and emotional issues for SD, but with counseling she's getting through that. 

momager2two
by Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 12:53 AM
My mom tried to do it to me, even though i lived with my dad. She was always talking shit about him and my sm. Hell, im 26 and she still does. They havent been together since i was 3.

My ex tries with my dd and me. We have 50/50. He tells dd its my fault they are broke and have no money for food and clothes for her because he is co to pay cs. He refuses to work. Btw, dd is 6. She has come back saying some crazy stuff. Most of it i can just be like oh whatever, but when she told me the broke thing i looked at her and told her that was not true. She knows about the court order for visitation and us going to court, thanks to bd. So i told her that the judge told him he has to pay, not me. And that he is broke because he refuses to work. She agreed that he doesnt want to. He tells her that everyone is beneath him, including me and her pedi. We are all inferior to him. Ive had many an argument for disrespect from her. She tries that crap. Telling me shes smarter than me so she doesnt have to listen. When i asked more questions i found out dad told her to act like this.
jlg12678
by Gold Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 1:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I haven't experienced it myself.

I do not know your situation personally so I couldn't judge...I will say that I've done research and read quite a few blogs online regarding it. I honestly believe that many (and I'm not saying this is you so please don't take it that way) are a big cause of their own problems. There is one mom in particular on facebook who has a group claiming she was pas'ed...I went to her personal blog and read everything....she honestly is at fault for a very good part of the situation she is in. Everything from not paying child support, not taking her co'd time and wanting to switch and getting pissed because her ex refuses make up time to moving out of state and finally signing off rights to get out of back child support. That to me isn't pas even if your ex is an asshole...that is poor choices made by her as a parent. You make those choices you own them and don't pass the blame on to someone else. Her kids want nothing to do with her and she doesn't get why...to me it's as plain as the nose on your face.

I know there are support groups out there for this...I would research prior to joining because many seem to be parents who have just made really bad choices and are looking for support for said choices.

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Oct. 27, 2013 at 1:44 PM
1 mom liked this

Nope there is no PAS here; any lacking in the relationship between BF and our children is strictly resting on his shoulders.

boysmom5
by Bronze Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Xh is doing is doing a good job of alienating himself where my oldest son is concerned.  BM has done the same with the twins.  The kids are old enough to see what's going on and form their own opinions about the choices their other parent makes.

chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Oct. 27, 2013 at 3:09 PM
Why does he have to pay CS if y'all are 50/50 and he is unemployed?

Quoting momager2two:

My mom tried to do it to me, even though i lived with my dad. She was always talking shit about him and my sm. Hell, im 26 and she still does. They havent been together since i was 3.



My ex tries with my dd and me. We have 50/50. He tells dd its my fault they are broke and have no money for food and clothes for her because he is co to pay cs. He refuses to work. Btw, dd is 6. She has come back saying some crazy stuff. Most of it i can just be like oh whatever, but when she told me the broke thing i looked at her and told her that was not true. She knows about the court order for visitation and us going to court, thanks to bd. So i told her that the judge told him he has to pay, not me. And that he is broke because he refuses to work. She agreed that he doesnt want to. He tells her that everyone is beneath him, including me and her pedi. We are all inferior to him. Ive had many an argument for disrespect from her. She tries that crap. Telling me shes smarter than me so she doesnt have to listen. When i asked more questions i found out dad told her to act like this.
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