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Not being his "First"

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 9:57 PM
  • 53 Replies

This is my first time writing on here and I have  feeling I will be doing a lot more of it. I find it difficult to talk to anyone else who understands. My fiance,who is currently deployed, has two children from a previous marriage. To put it lightly, his ex is crazy. He was honest with me from the beginning (i.e. he's in the middle of a divorce, he has two kids, etc.). At first, I was like "oh that's cute." Now I don't feel that way at all. I have two big issues. The first is the resentment and jealousy I have for them. We've went through pre-marital counseling and the counselor told me to journal. That seemed like a temporary fix. I then got a book called "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. It helped me soooo much with understanding where the resentment and jealousy come from. The issue is still there, I just understand where it comes from.The other issue hasn't been resolved yet and not sure if it will until I talk to someone who has been through it. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of having children and being a mommy. I wanted nothing more than to share in the joys of parenthood, the exciting and scared face my husband will make when I tell him I'm expecting, etc. My fiance and I chose different routes. I did the college thing, therefore, just now getting on my feet. He got married, had two children, and a house by the time he was 20. I feel cheated because he has experienced all of the things I dreamt of as a child. I feel he won't be as excited to have a child with me because he has already done it. I've looked into cute ways on how to tell him I'm pregnant when the time comes, but I'm not even sure I'll will do something like that because I don't want to be disappointed if he's like "oh cool" and that's it. Every man is super excited about having a son. He already has one and a daughter, therefore, eliminating the "firsts" for that option too. Is it really as bad as I make it out to be in my head? We've talked about the children thing and he's like "You know me. I don't get scared." I feel he at least owes it to me to pretend to be nervous and scared. I would really appreciate if someone who didn't have children coming into a marriage and then had children could respond and tell me how it really was when you announced you were pregnant, buying your first house TOGETHER, and doing all of those things you wanted to do since you were young. Side note- Although he does have two children, neither of us are connected to them and contemplated giving mother full custody since she will be moving across the country.

by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 9:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kristinbugg
by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:01 PM
1 mom liked this
What do you mean "neither of us are connected" to his children?
PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:03 PM
3 moms liked this
Why do you want to be with a man that is not connected to his kids? Isn't that a red flag?
JTROX
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:06 PM

My dh had kids before me, but they were never married, never bought a house, and weren't very stable.  I just decided his past didn't matter, because he chose me to be with and love.  Only the present matters.

som610
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:07 PM
1 mom liked this

You were good until the last sentence.. lol Now you won't get any advice and just get bashed for that..

My DH had a SD when we got married.. He had never owned a house before though and was in high school when his daughter was born.. I do feel that I got cheated in the excitement of a first kid with him though.. He knew stuff I didn't when our first was a baby and I kind of felt cheated that we didn't get to experience that together.. But over all it is ok and I think you might be making it a little bigger deal than it is.. :)

Graceplustwo
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:08 PM
1 mom liked this
When I first got pregnant , I felt the exact same way. I would say things like, " I know its not as special for you because you're a veteran" or " you don't understand , its more important to me because its my first" exc. Exc. He had 2 boys and we were praying for a girl and I was very blessed because that is what I got. So I did get the "special" feeling of being his first daughter . I can totally understand where your comming from. My advice is until your a mom , you won't realize how "special" every child is. From birth to labor and parenting. Your dh will be just as excited and happy as he was with his prior kids, maybe even happier because EVERY baby is important and a beautiful blessing. Don't let this steal your joy of being a first time mom. Remember you are his wife and this is special that he gets to share this " first" with you. It took my most of my pregnancy to get over the whole " not as special" thing , and I wish I wouldn't have let it bother me so much. We choose such different paths for pregnancy , birth and parenting than his ex did, so the experience was in fact new to him. We went super crunchy all natutal lol . I hope this helps and know once you have your precious little baby in your arms, nothing else will matter
Graceplustwo
by Bronze Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:09 PM
1 mom liked this
Awwe man only skimmed the ending.. dang it
Not going to end good
looneytunes290
by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:11 PM
3 moms liked this

You are thinking about having kids with a man who is ready to give up his parental rights to the mother... Voluntarily?? You aren't going to get much support on here- break up with him- and find a man without kids who can experience these firsts with you- and hopefully one that won't let you raise children without his involvement after you have them. Your crazy if you have kids with him! 

Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:12 PM

Honey you're gonna get a shit storm for saying that even though he's got kids-he's not connected to them.

Good luck-the best thing I can tell you-is just communicate everything with DH.

thejodigirl
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:14 PM

I couldn't read the whole post, the immaturity was screaming too loud. 

You have a choice on who you settle down with, and if you're a grown woman you should also be able to understand that no two life experiences are the same- he may have rushed into marriage and kids but it doesn't mean your and his child won't mean as much to him. 

Lok at at this way. He had his FIRST child with her. Having your first child is always extra special in a personal way- not in a way that he'll forever love her more. If you are the love of his life he will cherish you and child.

LaughCryLive
by Member on Oct. 29, 2013 at 10:14 PM
She doesn't care because she is jealous of everything they represent.





Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

Why do you want to be with a man that is not connected to his kids? Isn't that a red flag?

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