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BM says says it's okay to break rules in our house

Posted by on Nov. 1, 2013 at 7:59 AM
  • 71 Replies

We bought our 12--y-o SD a cell phone (because BM demanded that we did-- she's latch key) and we got her on a plan that locks us into a two-year contract.  Then BM went out and bought SD the latest iPhone (or I should say BM's boyfriend did) and told SD not to tell us!!  So SD (whom I get along with very well) lied about it to me and her dad for weeks.  BM motive was to be able to communicate with her directly without having to go through us.  We are in a custody battle and BM is forever manipulating her daughter to get information about her dad's job, my job, if her dad and I ever get into a fight, etc. etc. 


So, we have restructured her phone use to be twice a day to call and TALK to her mom and no texting in our house.  SD was compliant with the rule... as she always is.  But, her mother refuses to answer the phone when she calls (because she doesn't actually WANT to talk to her, she just wants to win this sick game she is playing) and told 12yoSD to break the rule in our house and sneak her phone in her room to keep texting her!!!  12yoSD is so twisted up  she can't even think straight, and I am violated regularly in my own house by SD's prying, but she doesn't know she is doing anything wrong.  There is no reasoning with BM.  Trying to talk to her went out the window a long time ago.  We didn't punish SD.  I feel like that would be displaced.


Has anyone dealt with anything like this?  What do I do?

by on Nov. 1, 2013 at 7:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 8:01 AM
2 moms liked this

Why would you buy one because she demanded it?  Why can't she talk to her own Mom?

redslim
by Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 8:02 AM

She can talk to her mom.  Her mom doesn't answer the phone. 

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 8:04 AM
2 moms liked this

I don't see why SD can't talk and text her mom freely. Why are you limiting it? Let her use the other phone. what do you care? The mom and daughter are going behind your back with this other phone because you are unreasonably restricting their contact with each other.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 8:05 AM

Why don't you allow SD to text with her mom?

dbush0584
by Bronze Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 8:06 AM
1 mom liked this
Bm told sks they didn't have to follow our rules. I told them that they are welcome to do that if they want to buy they will be punished. They tried. They were punished. They didn't do it again.
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 8:13 AM

Then why put limits on it? 

Quoting redslim:

She can talk to her mom.  Her mom doesn't answer the phone. 



1SpaZZedMom
by Librarian on Nov. 1, 2013 at 8:19 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting redslim:

We bought our 12--y-o SD a cell phone (because BM demanded that we did-- she's latch key) and we got her on a plan that locks us into a two-year contract.  Then BM went out and bought SD the latest iPhone (or I should say BM's boyfriend did) and told SD not to tell us!!  So SD (whom I get along with very well) lied about it to me and her dad for weeks. <-- Teaching SD to lie is not a good thing. DH should have a calm discussion with his DD about this. Letting her know that if someone asks her to keep a secret and lie, in the end, it is teaching her deviant behavior and he doesn't want to see her follow that path. He wants to trust her and respect her enough to allow her to have such freedoms as cell phones, etc.  BM motive was to be able to communicate with her directly without having to go through us.  We are in a custody battle and BM is forever manipulating her daughter to get information about her dad's job, my job, if her dad and I ever get into a fight, etc. etc.  <-- BTDT -- results? SKs lied to the point where DH got charges based on lies. Now? That is all SKs know to do, lie to BM, teachers, counselors, family, family-friends... It's heartbreaking for me, as a previous CSM for almost 8 years to watch my DHs heart break repeatedly. I can't fix it no matter how much I want to after BM gained custody..... over 1 year ago.

 

So, we have restructured her phone use to be twice a day to call and TALK to her mom and no texting in our house.  SD was compliant with the rule... as she always is.  But, her mother refuses to answer the phone when she calls (because she doesn't actually WANT to talk to her, she just wants to win this sick game she is playing) <-- Phone records will prove that SD is trying to call BM and BM is refusing to answer the phone. DH can ask the court to pay the phone bill portion for this phone alone and cancellation fee if he wanted to since BMs BF bought SD an iPhone.  and told 12yoSD to break the rule in our house and sneak her phone in her room to keep texting her!!!  12yoSD is so twisted up  she can't even think straight, and I am violated regularly in my own house by SD's prying, but she doesn't know she is doing anything wrong.  There is no reasoning with BM.  Trying to talk to her went out the window a long time ago.  We didn't punish SD.  I feel like that would be displaced. <-- You're right! You cannot punish her for obeying the OP. You and/or DH can definitely discuss the deception and disappointment for disregard to your house rules. However, during the custody battle especially, one good thing to do is allow SD to text BM from the iPhone. Tell her that BM is respected as a parent, all you and DH ask is that SD tell the truth.
As for the spying and reporting, that is against most all state's guidelines/laws for parenting time. It is considered to be forcing the child to choose sides. It is a portion of attempted alienation. The DSM-V has PAS listed as "parent-child relationship breakdown" (or something to that type wording different) as a diagnosis. Perhpas getting DH and SD enrolled in counseling can prove a bit of this and it will assist in court? IDK what else to suggest.
Document, document, document... Shower SD with love, discuss dishonesty in the most loving fashion possible, allow her to see that although your rules are different than BM, to show respect to BM - allow the texting. Otherwise, SD will start to say negatives about Dad's house and that is NOT what you want right now.

 

Has anyone dealt with anything like this?  What do I do?

 

"Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human." ~Viktor Frankl~
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 8:24 AM
2 moms liked this
Stop restricting your SD's contact with her mother and in your home ensure that you live in a way that it doesn't matter if it is repeated to BM.
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NTMBeth
by Bronze Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 9:02 AM

BM didn't force you to get a phone or 2 year contract. Sounds like a lot of miscommunication to me and SD is caught in the middle. 

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 9:08 AM
Why can't she text her mom?
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