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Another spinoff of the death/illness thing....kids caring for parents

Posted by on Nov. 1, 2013 at 10:57 PM
  • 21 Replies

Let's say you're a SP who has never had bio kids.  If you ever need care, someone to be looking out for you in your later years (maybe hands on, maybe POA), do you have any hope OR expectation that your skids would care for you? 



by on Nov. 1, 2013 at 10:57 PM
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Replies (1-10):
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 11:02 PM
I have my own child, hopefully she will take care of me.
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 11:03 PM
Hope I will not need that:)
Who wants to put that kind of burden on their kids?


Quoting annabl1970:

I have my own child, hopefully she will take care of me.

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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 11:23 PM

All of this talk about death of the spouse got me to thinking a little FURTHER down the line.  Last year, I was back home caring for my mother.  This year, I'm out west caring for my grandmother.  My husband made the point that it's not MY job to care for my Gma--she has two capable kids.  Made the comment that he wouldn't expect his kids to care for his folks.  That's his job, his sister's job.

If we follow that kind of logic...what does that mean for me when I'm an old widow and need someone looking out for me?  Our attorney was here today changing the POA for GMa and made a comment about how a POA should be family you trust--not someone outside.  What if you don't have family younger and healthier than you? 

I've been caring for my grandmother for a few weeks now.   She needs 24/7 nursing care at this time--and I am trained to do so.  My uncle  (who had POA until today), pulled her out of a nursing home, brought her home, told me to get out here, then left..and told me to figure it out. My mother can't come out (no FMLA at her small company) and there are no services here in middle of nowhere Wyoming.  Won't bore you with the details...but I know for a FACT that I would not expect my skids to be doing the kinds of things I've been tasked with here.  (who REALLY wants to see their grandparents naked? LOL) 

Seriously though...I am out here out of a sense of responsibility.  There's no one who will feel responsible for me.  That is a scary thing. 

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 11:32 PM
You are such a good good woman.
Your gramma is one lucky lady to have you,


Quoting Birdseed:

All of this
talk about death of the spouse got me to thinking a little FURTHER down
the line.  Last year, I was back home caring for my mother.  This year,
I'm out west caring for my grandmother.  My husband made the point that
it's not MY job to care for my Gma--she has two capable kids.  Made the
comment that he wouldn't expect his kids to care for his folks.  That's
his job, his sister's job.

If we follow that kind of logic...what
does that mean for me when I'm an old widow and need someone looking out
for me?  Our attorney was here today changing the POA for GMa and made a
comment about how a POA should be family you trust--not someone
outside.  What if you don't have family younger and healthier than you? 

I've been caring for my grandmother for a few weeks now.   She needs
24/7 nursing care at this time--and I am trained to do so.  My uncle 
(who had POA until today),
pulled her out of a nursing home, brought her home, told me to get out
here, then left..and told me to figure it out. My mother can't come out
(no FMLA at her small company) and there are no services here in middle
of nowhere Wyoming.  Won't bore you with the details...but I know for a FACT that I would not expect my skids to be doing the kinds of things I've been tasked with here.  (who REALLY wants to see their grandparents naked? LOL) 

Seriously though...I am out here out of a sense of responsibility.  There's no one who will feel responsible for me.  That is a scary thing. 


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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 11:38 PM
DH said he is sure SD will not care for him. And he is not expecting it either.
I expect my DD to care for me
If needed. I will care for my parents, I can't imagine leaving them in nursing house. I don't trust NHs, esspesially after reading all those horror stories about elder abuse.


Quoting Birdseed:

All of this
talk about death of the spouse got me to thinking a little FURTHER down
the line.  Last year, I was back home caring for my mother.  This year,
I'm out west caring for my grandmother.  My husband made the point that
it's not MY job to care for my Gma--she has two capable kids.  Made the
comment that he wouldn't expect his kids to care for his folks.  That's
his job, his sister's job.

If we follow that kind of logic...what
does that mean for me when I'm an old widow and need someone looking out
for me?  Our attorney was here today changing the POA for GMa and made a
comment about how a POA should be family you trust--not someone
outside.  What if you don't have family younger and healthier than you? 

I've been caring for my grandmother for a few weeks now.   She needs
24/7 nursing care at this time--and I am trained to do so.  My uncle 
(who had POA until today),
pulled her out of a nursing home, brought her home, told me to get out
here, then left..and told me to figure it out. My mother can't come out
(no FMLA at her small company) and there are no services here in middle
of nowhere Wyoming.  Won't bore you with the details...but I know for a FACT that I would not expect my skids to be doing the kinds of things I've been tasked with here.  (who REALLY wants to see their grandparents naked? LOL) 

Seriously though...I am out here out of a sense of responsibility.  There's no one who will feel responsible for me.  That is a scary thing. 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Nov. 1, 2013 at 11:59 PM



Quoting annabl1970:

DH said he is sure SD will not care for him. And he is not expecting it either.
I expect my DD to care for me
If needed. I will care for my parents, I can't imagine leaving them in nursing house. I don't trust NHs, esspesially after reading all those horror stories about elder abuse.


First, having worked in home health/hospice in the past, I can tell you that the majority of people who are in that line of work are good hearted folks.  It takes a special kind of person to deal with not only the medical issues but so many of the psychological ones.  In a nursing home setting, there are of course going to be good and bad eggs, but if you do your research, you can typically find a good option in most communities.

The biggest issue with elder care (IMHO) is having competent people making the decisions.  Adult children (or grandchildren, or skids) aren't always best equipped to make those choices yet we rely on them.  As you said...you expect that your DD will care for you.

My Gma thought her "golden boy" son would take care of her.  All he did was take her out of nursing care (against Dr orders), bring her home, starve her for a week, incorrectly administer medication, etc. 

I'm moving her next week--out to my Mom, where there are services available.  My uncle was totally willing to just leave her here.  She can't feed herself, bathe--hadn't had a bath in 10 days by the time I got here.  She can't remember to do her meds correctly because of dementia.  She's now on twice daily IV antibiotics which I'm administering. 

My husband is getting ready to leave for a year so I need to get home. I can't stay out here and care for her.  24/7 is too much to ask of any one person anyway.  I have to rotate he every 2-3 hours all night in addition to the daytime care.  I've not slept more than about 3 hours in a row in going on 3weeks.

What kid should do that? Can?  Not many.  But to me, an adult child SHOULD be capable of making a plan to take care of their parent--with services....

Anyway...my point isn't all that...it's that if I get to the point where I can't make good choices for myself, who is going to care for me?  We always assume that there will be kids to do that.  But that's not always the case.  Unless you're loaded, what happens to those of us who are childless and have no family nearby?


Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Nov. 2, 2013 at 12:17 AM

I hope they will, and honestly I hope they will  pull the plug when it's time.  I went through this with 3 of my grandparents with my aunts and uncles as the decision makers. It's rough stuff.  I've had the talks with my parents and I know what they want. But watching them let my grandfather go as he wished was a hard, but positive experience (as much as it could be).  So much easier than slowly watching my grandmother fade. When my other grandmother had her stroke, my mother was the primary caregiver. at 11 I helped with the showers and all that.  It's nothing that anyone can do full time for long alone. It burns you out.  I hope my stepkids do not leave my son to do it alone.

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Nov. 2, 2013 at 1:08 AM

I have not spoken to my dad in about a year.  I have tried to have a relationship with him but it does not work.  He has been married to SM for at least 20 years.  My lack of relationship has nothing to do with SM.  she is a wonderful woman.

Dad and SM are visiting my brother right now.  Dad of course is being an ass and bro is struggling.  I helped him by putting the focus on SM.  To be there for her.  She loves dad and she cares for him.  And we are lucky that she does.  And her daughter, my Stepsister, cares for both of them. 

Children don't guarantee you will be cared for as you age.  

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Nov. 2, 2013 at 1:13 AM
1 mom liked this
I know this isn't about me... But I want to share. I've told you all about my grandmothers being best friends. My grandmother moved my stepgrandma in with her to be her caregiver. My stepgrandma has MS where my grandma has been healthy until her Parkinson's diagnosis.

Anyway - my stepgrandma had one child when she was married to her ex. She moved to Texas with her ex and their child. But then the ex filed for divorce, won custody and moved back to Cali. My stepgrandma was left her without a single dime. Got a job and met my grandpa. They married. She never had much of a relationship with her daughter after the divorce. I don't know the specifics but the daughter just was closer to her dad and stepgrandma is not real maternal. Great lady never did drugs, nothing like that - just wasn't an affectionate person and never really possessed those maternal instincts we all are 'supposed' to possess.

She came along after my mom and her siblings were all grown so she was more like dads wife and not stepmom. She was always grandma to me because by the time I came along she had been in the family for 12/14 years something like that.

When she had to be put in a home, my mom, aunt and uncle are the ones that take care of her. Her daughter hasn't been here to visit in probably 15 years. They tried to send her to Cali to live with her daughter and her daughter just flat out said I can't take her I have my own life. Well my mom and her siblings just couldn't abandon her. She was married to their father for 30 years. And he was just as in love with her the day he died as the day he married her if not more. She had been a really good wife to him. He struggled with illness and diseases and she took care of him until the day he died. So they still to this day take care of her. Not full time but they manage her bills and make sure she has what she needs. She loves the old folks home. They visit once a week and she talks to my grandma on the phone every day.

It isn't their job or their responsibility but my grandpa loved her with all of his heart. And she is a good person. She was never maternal but she was always kind and generous to us. As she aged she became more grandmotherly. She was a better grandma than she was ever a mother and she admits that. She knows her faults and accepts them.

She is very loved and cherished in our family.
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OregonMom80
by on Nov. 2, 2013 at 1:16 AM

I have no intention of making my kids care for me.  We're drafting plans that address what would happen.  We're planning to select a retirement center that we like ahead of time and have a plan that addresses when we would be transferred to higher levels of care, etc.

I have no children, but many younger siblings, some almost 20 yrs younger than me.  I wouldn't expect them to care for me, but I would hope that the whole family could help make decisions about my care if my instructions didn't cover it.  I wouldn't expect DSS to take care of me.  Not sure if he'd take care of DH - probably?

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