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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Do I expect too much?

Posted by on Nov. 4, 2013 at 1:33 PM
  • 41 Replies

My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years.  We both came out of 20 year marriages in which we both had children, I have 2, 20 yo & 14 yo.  He has 3 children, 22yo, 20 yo and 18 yo.  All but the 22 year old has lived with us.  My oldest loves his step-dad and my youngest has made efforts to adapt to her new family.  However, my 2 stepchildren have never accepted me.  They have done horrible things to me and my kids, including loosing the lug-nuts on my sons car endangering him.  They have threatened to put bleach in my shampoo, they have stolen my sim card from my phone, they have turned tables over on me and called me every name in the book.  

It has caused a lot of stress for me and my husbands relationship.  I love my husband and I am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  They are all grown and I know they won't be with us much longer but I need advice from people who have dealt with this.  My husband just wants to keep the peace.  I would like peace too but I want real Peace not just pseudo-peace.  My home is not a refuge, it's a an uncomfortable place to be in.  I hide in my bedroom alot and avoid the kids.  It's awful!

Please help!

by on Nov. 4, 2013 at 1:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Amy1973Potts
by on Nov. 4, 2013 at 1:43 PM
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Excuse me but WHY haven't you filed assault and theft charges on these ADULTS?
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jlg12678
by Gold Member on Nov. 4, 2013 at 1:51 PM
1 mom liked this

I have to echo what Amy said.

These "kids" are adults. If they are stealing and vandalizing a vehicle the cops should be called.

Where is your dh in all this? If my skids acted like this towards me my dh would be on their ass so fast I wouldn't have to do a thing.

BossySue
by on Nov. 4, 2013 at 1:54 PM

It's awful, I know!  My husband is the sweetest most passive man I have ever met.  Anytime I try to get him to take a stand with his children, it causes so much problems for us.  

Calling the police on these "kids" would only cause a divorce.  

I need advice on how to set boundaries with these adult children.

BossySue
by on Nov. 4, 2013 at 1:56 PM

Good question!  I feel powerless.  I want my marriage to work and I just keep praying that these kids will move on soon!  

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Nov. 4, 2013 at 2:00 PM

How often are your kids and SKs with you?  Do they all live with you full time?  Blending families with teenage kids is one of the most difficult times.  And now the kids are at the age where they are in college or starting their adult lives so they are in transition too.

First, I agree with the other posters that any direct harrasment or theft or abuse should not be tolerated at all.  Its your DH's job to do something about that but your job to make sure you don't overlook those things.

If your DH has a history of "just wanting to keep the peace" he may be a passive parent who either lets the kids walk all over him and disrespect him.  He also may not know how to disclipline his kids or may never have done so.  This approach really doesn't work unless the parent is NCP only seeing the kids every other weekend (like 4 days a month).  If you're actually raising your kids you need to figure out how to disclipline.

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Nov. 4, 2013 at 2:00 PM
1 mom liked this
It's one thing to keep the peace. It's another thing for him to let his grown children act like ass hats. I think your DH needs to talk to them and set some serious boundaries and since they are adults he should also explain to them they are lucky you didn't call the cops and if you had the consequences that would of been.
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Nov. 4, 2013 at 2:01 PM
1 mom liked this

 Being sweet and passive is not a good approach to raising kids. 

Quoting BossySue:

It's awful, I know!  My husband is the sweetest most passive man I have ever met.  Anytime I try to get him to take a stand with his children, it causes so much problems for us.  

Calling the police on these "kids" would only cause a divorce.  

I need advice on how to set boundaries with these adult children.

 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

pepper504
by Gold Member on Nov. 4, 2013 at 2:03 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting BossySue:

It's awful, I know!  My husband is the sweetest most passive man I have ever met.  Anytime I try to get him to take a stand with his children, it causes so much problems for us.  

Calling the police on these "kids" would only cause a divorce.  

I need advice on how to set boundaries with these adult children.

He does not want to get involved, yet if you take matters into your own hands, i.e. call the police, he would divorce you?!  Wow...I think that you need to re-evaluate your relationship with your DH.  That is just crazy. 


BossySue
by on Nov. 4, 2013 at 2:08 PM

They all live with us.  My SD is 20 and moves in and out with different boyfriends on a pretty regular basis.  But, she is officially home with us now.  She goes to a local college and has a very affluent grandmother that keeps her supplied with money so she runs around and does whatever she wants.  

My H is completely passive.  I have tried everything that I could to get him to step up and deal with his children but he just cant.  I don't know if he is able to.  

My approach now is to just withdraw from the family.  I know that is not the most healthy thing but it has become a survival instinct. I interact with my kids and thats about it.  

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 4, 2013 at 2:16 PM

It doesn't sound like a divorce would be a bad thing.

I mean, seriously, this man YOU confess to live more than anything is allowing his children to assault you and steal your things. 

Quoting BossySue:

It's awful, I know!  My husband is the sweetest most passive man I have ever met.  Anytime I try to get him to take a stand with his children, it causes so much problems for us.  

Calling the police on these "kids" would only cause a divorce.  

I need advice on how to set boundaries with these adult children.



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