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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Stepmom without birthchild? and family reunion...

Posted by on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:04 AM
  • 34 Replies

 

Poll

Question: Are you a stepmom without birthchild?

Options:

yes

I have ... children


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Total Votes: 41

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Hi,

Holidays are coming... I may say running. And with the joys that come with it, there are also some anxiety. Mostly when it comes to be with the in-laws.

For my part I don't have children of my own. And I feel oftenly judge for that. SIL, aunt and cousins would ask me why I made this choice. Questionning it like it is an issue. I almost feel bullied about it.

I made that personal choice. And the reasons are personals to me, and to me and my DH. 

Why not having a child should be an issue, and having kids not? Am I the only one who feels that way?

by on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:22 AM
1 mom liked this

I am not childless by choice, so I can't say I feel judged for that by family. I can understand your feelings though. I see it as a good sign that they are wanting you to have kids though, given your husband already does. What do you say when they ask you? Do they not respect your answer?

I do struggle with my husband's family saying things that suggest BM was/is the "real wife" because DH had kids with her and we don't have any (yet). 

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:23 AM
4 moms liked this

Neither choice should be an issue, it is just you have so many people who talk without thinking. Sometimes you have to hit them back with a smile and a witty response to let them know how rude they are being.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:25 AM

 i have children, but thats no ones business. the best way to deal w that i think, is to make a snappy answer. like :

"so, when are you gonna have some kids?"

"when you finance it!" #smilesweetly OR "are you volunteering to babysit while i work?" #smilesweetly

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:26 AM

Neither should be an issue. I've never understood asking a childless woman why she chose to not have kids that is her buisness not mine.

artistichick
by on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:29 AM

Almost of the time, I answer that our life is full with my husband's kids.

They keep going asking me why I don't like babies... liking and having is two things.... But I usually excuse myself to get out of that harrasment. 

I am  with you in that boat, runinpinkshoes.. BM is the real wife because she is the mother of his kids.

Leigh84
by Silver Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:36 AM
I have a child but if you don't want children that your business. Kids are not for everybody. If your inlaws want to judge u for that, let that be their problem not yours.
runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:48 AM


I get that from my own family a little. They all know I can't have kids (though it's not generally acknowledged), but they're all very religious - so they equate that with "God doesn't want me to have kids" and therefore "I don't like kids". 

Your answer to them is perfect. It's silly they won't just accept it, but I would just shrug it off.

Quoting artistichick:

Almost of the time, I answer that our life is full with my husband's kids.

They keep going asking me why I don't like babies... liking and having is two things.... But I usually excuse myself to get out of that harrasment. 

I am  with you in that boat, runinpinkshoes.. BM is the real wife because she is the mother of his kids.



CFSTBSM27
by Silver Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 12:01 PM
I'm childfree by choice and it's no ones damn business why as far as i'm concerned. I've never received any negative feedback either that's odd. I've heard positive responses if any. Not every person needs a child to feel complete in their lives, some don't get that. You don't need to explain yourself why does it matter. Im the only person in my family without children and have never once felt awkward or bullied.
Some people are just small minded I suppose and think your not woman unless you give birth ridiculous! Im only 28 I have no reason to.rush into anything until i'm,ready and that's,my stance on it..
Who cares it's none of their business
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 12:18 PM

That would bother me.  I heard a lot of "it's part of God's plan" when DH and I couldn't get pregnant or were going through pregnancy loss.  Religious people can be some of the most misguided.  My own perspective, and fortunately the faith of my immediate family, is that God grieves these hardships with us and that, along with sin, He also carried the consequences (pain, suffering, illness, etc.) to the cross.  It's not something He hasn't endured beside the sufferer or is unwilling to carry again.  And to suggest otherwise is, IMO, cruel.... even if clouded in good intention.  People are far more legalistic and judgmental than God Himself. 

Anyhow, good luck!  It took us over 4 years, and there were some weird comments and prying along the way.  I even have a co-worker who adamantly believes my emergency treatment for a ruptured ectopic is equivalent to abortion (because I suppose loss of two lives is more noble than accepting the inevitable loss of one?).  People can be weird.

Quoting runinpinkshoes:

 I get that from my own family a little. They all know I can't have kids (though it's not generally acknowledged), but they're all very religious - so they equate that with "God doesn't want me to have kids" and therefore "I don't like kids". 

Your answer to them is perfect. It's silly they won't just accept it, but I would just shrug it off.

Quoting artistichick:

Almost of the time, I answer that our life is full with my husband's kids.

They keep going asking me why I don't like babies... liking and having is two things.... But I usually excuse myself to get out of that harrasment. 

I am  with you in that boat, runinpinkshoes.. BM is the real wife because she is the mother of his kids.

 

 


 

DDDaysh
by on Nov. 5, 2013 at 12:21 PM

People ask because having children is something hardwired into most animals.  It seems strange to them.  That's different from being "judged".  

I personally don't like shoe shopping.  Most women love shoe shopping, or at least love having lots of shoes.  I'm lucky if I remember to make my shoes match (eachother - not even my outfit) on any given day.  I've had female family and friends find this strange, they think it's weird and that I'm odd, but they don't judge me "ass a person" based off it.  It's just a "Wow, she's really different from us!" kind of thing.  

And sometimes people might think it's a, "but you don't know what you're missing!" kind of thing.  They think they're helping you by encouraging you to do something that will make you happy.   

Just say, "Eh, it wasn't for me," and leave it at that.  

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