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Is it wrong to volunteer?

Posted by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 10:44 AM
  • 31 Replies

It seems that SS is always getting sick on BM's time. While some of it has been serious, I think some of the time it's just because she's more prone to medicate than DH (please note : that's not a bash).

Over a year ago, SS came down with an ear infection. The symptom (a minor ear ache - SS said it was annoying, but it didn't really hurt) started an hour before BM picked SS up. The night the symptoms got worse. BM texted DH telling him that she was going to have to take off work to take SS to the doctor in the morning, and that it wasn't fair that she was always having to miss work because SS was always getting sick on her time. She said she was going to get fired for the amount of time she has to take off.

DH and I did recognize that it seemed like SS was always getting sick at BM's and we agreed that it wasn't fair that she was always missing work. I didn't have anything to do the next day, so I offered to take SS to the doctor. At first, BM seemed okay with it. We worked out all the details - I would come pick him up early in the morning before her shift started and she'd come pick him up from me as soon as she got out of work. I work up early that morning and had a text that basically said - "I'm his mom. I'll take him." It was no biggie. She took him.

Just recently, SS got an eraser stuck in his ear. It was during DH's time, but the school called BM first. BM didn't call us (she called me first because I was supposed to pick SS up from school) until after she'd taken off work, picked SS up, and taken him to the doctor. That was fine, but multiple times BM complained about having to take off work to go get him and wait at Urgent Care. She kept in contact with me while they were at Urgent Care, and said they might have to make an appointment with an ear specialist to get it out. Again, she mentioned she would have to miss work. I offered to take him to the specialist (the next day). BM seemed okay with it, but before we got off the phone said she would handle it. No problem. (They actually ended up getting the eraser out so it was a non-issue anyways.)

Yesterday, BM texted DH to tell him that SS was super sick and she kept him home from school. She again complained to him that she had to miss work to stay home with him and it wasn't fair that she was constantly missing work. DH mentioned it to me and I told him I would be home all day today, and I was available to watch SS if BM needed to go to work. She told DH that SS was "her son and she could take care of him."

I guess I don't get what's going on. Is it wrong to volunteer to watch SS or take him to the doctor? I'm not angry that BM doesn't take me up on the offer; in fact, I enjoy the downtime. I just don't get why she constantly complains about having to miss work, only to act offended (or like I'm trying to ‘out mom' her) when I offer to take/watch SS.

by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 10:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
tcfla
by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 10:52 AM

my guess is she wants Dad to take off work and take care of their son, not you.  Maybe she feels it is a BM/BF job.  Keep offering, she will get over it eventually.

iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 10:55 AM
1 mom liked this
Don't take it personal honey. I think its normal Momma Bear mentality. I have a newborn who cries and cries and I wish someone, anyone, would come hold her and give me a break...and as soon as dh or grandma holds her I want her back because she is mine, I should take care of her...its the warm fuzzies we can't help it. I trust my DH with all medical care, but I still want to be at every doc appt for my kid, his kid, our baby so I can hear first hand a specialist say my precious little snotty kid only has a cold and not the black plague! You are sweet to offer, I'm sure bm appreciates it and really wishes you could take him, but the warm fuzzies won't let her. I think she is just venting about work because well its a legit concern she has and you seem to be kinda friendly enough she feels comfortable venting
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 10:56 AM

No, it's not wrong to volunteer.  If she doesn't take you up on it, that's her deal.  It may be that she's wanting your DH to take the time off.  He's dad, after all.  Why should SM step up when dad won't?

BM of my SKs has argued that the kids need a parent with them at appointments.  My DH's schedule is so wild that it's often difficult for us to plan in advance who does what.  We play by ear.  He always keeps BM in the loop and gives her the opportunity to step in, especially on those occasions that it would really help us out if she stepped up.  We're still batting zero for BM involvement in appointment, despite her complaining that she should be.  And she has been known to throw fits when she found out later we had to punt to a grandma.  DH's priority is making sure the kids have their needs met, regardless of how it gets done.  BM seems to just have ideals.  >shrug<

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 10:59 AM

It's nice of you to offer, but I can understand why the mom doesn't take you up on it.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:00 AM


I agree with this.

Quoting iSMILEheCRIES:

Don't take it personal honey. I think its normal Momma Bear mentality. I have a newborn who cries and cries and I wish someone, anyone, would come hold her and give me a break...and as soon as dh or grandma holds her I want her back because she is mine, I should take care of her...its the warm fuzzies we can't help it. I trust my DH with all medical care, but I still want to be at every doc appt for my kid, his kid, our baby so I can hear first hand a specialist say my precious little snotty kid only has a cold and not the black plague! You are sweet to offer, I'm sure bm appreciates it and really wishes you could take him, but the warm fuzzies won't let her. I think she is just venting about work because well its a legit concern she has and you seem to be kinda friendly enough she feels comfortable venting



KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:01 AM
4 moms liked this
Some people like to complain for recognition, and not necessarily because they want a solution.
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:02 AM

I am going to guess that is it.

Quoting Derdriu:

No, it's not wrong to volunteer.  If she doesn't take you up on it, that's her deal.  It may be that she's wanting your DH to take the time off.  He's dad, after all.  Why should SM step up when dad won't?

BM of my SKs has argued that the kids need a parent with them at appointments.  My DH's schedule is so wild that it's often difficult for us to plan in advance who does what.  We play by ear.  He always keeps BM in the loop and gives her the opportunity to step in, especially on those occasions that it would really help us out if she stepped up.  We're still batting zero for BM involvement in appointment, despite her complaining that she should be.  And she has been known to throw fits when she found out later we had to punt to a grandma.  DH's priority is making sure the kids have their needs met, regardless of how it gets done.  BM seems to just have ideals.  >shrug<


soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:03 AM

I agree with this as well.

Quoting iSMILEheCRIES:

Don't take it personal honey. I think its normal Momma Bear mentality. I have a newborn who cries and cries and I wish someone, anyone, would come hold her and give me a break...and as soon as dh or grandma holds her I want her back because she is mine, I should take care of her...its the warm fuzzies we can't help it. I trust my DH with all medical care, but I still want to be at every doc appt for my kid, his kid, our baby so I can hear first hand a specialist say my precious little snotty kid only has a cold and not the black plague! You are sweet to offer, I'm sure bm appreciates it and really wishes you could take him, but the warm fuzzies won't let her. I think she is just venting about work because well its a legit concern she has and you seem to be kinda friendly enough she feels comfortable venting


progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:17 AM

It's not that DH isn't involved or doesn't care. We get SS Wednesday (or Thursday) through Sunday. DH has it worked out where he can take off early and pick SS up from school on those days, but he has to make up the time (they are on mandatory overtime). He works those extra hours when SS is with BM, so he can be available when SS is with him. He's taken SS to the doctor before, but during the beginning of the week he can't take off (he has very little flexibility when it comes to taking time off - if he can't get every hour made up, he gets a point. five points and he's fired).

Also - a lot of the things BM keeps SS home for, DH doesn't necessarily agree with. Last year, BM let SS miss three days because he told her his stomach hurt. BM might have felt that was a legitimate reason, but DH didn't. If she wanted to miss work that was on her, but DH doesn't think he should have to miss work because SS is staying home for something that DH doesn't think warrants missing school. If I'm just hanging out at the house and available to watch him, BM is welcome to bring him here - but DH doesn't feel he should have to miss work, get a point, and loose a day of pay for something he thinks is minor.

There's also a problem with scheduling the appointments. BM insisted on a 10:00am ear specialist appointment (although that ended up not happening). DH couldn't make it at that time BUT he could have gone to any appointment after noon (he gets off on Friday at noon).  It's not that he's unwilling to take off, but sometimes it seems that things are scheduled to make things difficult (now, maybe there wasn't any other time for the appointment, I know that last minute appointments can be difficult to schedule for).

Quoting soonergirl980:

I am going to guess that is it.

Quoting Derdriu:

No, it's not wrong to volunteer.  If she doesn't take you up on it, that's her deal.  It may be that she's wanting your DH to take the time off.  He's dad, after all.  Why should SM step up when dad won't?

BM of my SKs has argued that the kids need a parent with them at appointments.  My DH's schedule is so wild that it's often difficult for us to plan in advance who does what.  We play by ear.  He always keeps BM in the loop and gives her the opportunity to step in, especially on those occasions that it would really help us out if she stepped up.  We're still batting zero for BM involvement in appointment, despite her complaining that she should be.  And she has been known to throw fits when she found out later we had to punt to a grandma.  DH's priority is making sure the kids have their needs met, regardless of how it gets done.  BM seems to just have ideals.  >shrug<



soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:21 AM

I'm not saying your dh is right or wrong. I'm just saying I think that might be part of her thought process. I'm all for sending the kid to school with minor problems. I can count on one hand in the last 3 or 4 years how many days my 3 kids combined have missed. So I agree with him on that. It's just where BM is complaining about it she may feel that he should share the burden of it but she is unwilling to share that burden with you.

Quoting progressandjoy:

It's not that DH isn't involved or doesn't care. We get SS Wednesday (or Thursday) through Sunday. DH has it worked out where he can take off early and pick SS up on school from those days, but he has to make up the time (they are on mandatory overtime). He works those extra hours when SS is with BM, so he can be available when SS is with him. He's taken SS to the doctor before, but during the beginning of the week he can't take off (he has very little flexibility when it comes to taking time off - if he can't get every hour made up, he gets a point. five points and he's fired).

Also - a lot of the things BM keeps SS home for, DH doesn't necessarily agree with. Last year, BM let SS miss three days because he told her his stomach hurt. BM might have felt that was a legitimate reason, but DH didn't. If she wanted to miss work that was on her, but DH doesn't think he should have to miss work because SS is staying home for something that DH doesn't think warrants missing school. If I'm just hanging out at the house and available to watch him, BM is welcome to bring him here - but DH doesn't feel he should have to miss work, get a point, and loose a day of pay for something he thinks is minor.

Quoting soonergirl980:

I am going to guess that is it.

Quoting Derdriu:

No, it's not wrong to volunteer.  If she doesn't take you up on it, that's her deal.  It may be that she's wanting your DH to take the time off.  He's dad, after all.  Why should SM step up when dad won't?

BM of my SKs has argued that the kids need a parent with them at appointments.  My DH's schedule is so wild that it's often difficult for us to plan in advance who does what.  We play by ear.  He always keeps BM in the loop and gives her the opportunity to step in, especially on those occasions that it would really help us out if she stepped up.  We're still batting zero for BM involvement in appointment, despite her complaining that she should be.  And she has been known to throw fits when she found out later we had to punt to a grandma.  DH's priority is making sure the kids have their needs met, regardless of how it gets done.  BM seems to just have ideals.  >shrug<




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