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Hi, I'm new here, scared, wondering if I made a horrid mistake...

Posted by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:20 AM
  • 30 Replies
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Hi, I've been married only 2 months to my wonderful, caring husband. He is so good to me. My 13 year old son and 11 year old daughter LOVE him. His youngest child, 15 year old girl lives with us almost full time, visits friends on weekend. She has a Mom, my husband has been divorced from her for almost 3 years. At first I felt his daughter, "Susie" liked me. I went so out of my way to be kind and thoughtful, doing lots of little things for her. Lately she doesn't really speak to me. Over the weekend she told my husband she wants to move in w/ her Mom because she misses her friends from her old school, and feels like the odd man out here at home. She was used to being Daddy's Little Girl, the special one. Now she doesn't feel that. My husband was VERY hurt to hear this and is begging her to stay, he told me this would break his heart. I feel like this is all my fault. I feel so guilty. She and I have never had a heart to heart about any personal feelings. All of this is passed to me second hand. I know she can't stand my son, and I thought she was just a moody, UN-thankful teen. Now I feel she must resent my mere presence. I have been so upset for 2 days trying to figure out what to do. My husband wants me to focus on us, not worry about external factors, and work on not feeling this way. Can anyone relate? I don't want to live in constant fear or him "losing" her, and knowing it is because of our new family.
by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
miapia1020
by Bronze Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:30 AM
Is there a reason she may feel left out? Does she ever get time with just her and dad?
jlg12678
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:32 AM
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Two months is not enough time for anyone to adjust to a new blended family. EVERYONE needs more time, including your son and his daughter.

It is hard for kids to adjust to new folks moving in the home. I'd suggest that dad still do one on one stuff with his daughter and you all work together on blending better.

This is not a reason to change custody, imo. She is struggling to adjust and needs time.

kittykarlson
by New Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:37 AM

She must feel left out-she is quite rude to her Dad.  what does DH mean? She stays hidden in her room, door closed, will not talk at dinner table.  She is gone all weekend by her own choice. Yet she claims she is left out.  My husband is taking her alone tonight to a movie or something.  I hate feeling like this girl will dictate my ability to have a happy marriage.

kittykarlson
by New Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:40 AM

Hi, what does imo mean?  Yes, a few months is not long enough for anything.  Just scared that things will go from bad to worse.  She cannot even say "thank you" for things i do/give.  Last Wed, just a week ago, we went all out for her b-day.  Just didn't matter.  My feelings and ability to be happily married don't seem to matter.  I know she's just a kid, but I feel like she is in charge of everything.  I hate feeling like I can't have my own life.

iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:42 AM
I agree with daddy time. And I sorta agree with dh too ya'll are so new there needs to be some focus on newlywed bliss :-) Dh needs to talk to SD again and get specifics where she feels left out. You can keep doing your part by being "there" and living life because its just a fact she has to get used to. Doing nice things like remembering what she likes to eat might help. She just needs time to adjust I'm sure. And, just my opinion for dh, I wouldn't let her leave because you can't run away when things don't go your way.
jlg12678
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:43 AM

IMO is in my opinion.

Your marriage is dependand upon you and your dh. While your sd is part of the equation she shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in how you feel or how things work.

Give her time. Two months isn't anything and she's been used to having her dad to herself for three years. That is a huge change.


Quoting kittykarlson:

Hi, what does imo mean?  Yes, a few months is not long enough for anything.  Just scared that things will go from bad to worse.  She cannot even say "thank you" for things i do/give.  Last Wed, just a week ago, we went all out for her b-day.  Just didn't matter.  My feelings and ability to be happily married don't seem to matter.  I know she's just a kid, but I feel like she is in charge of everything.  I hate feeling like I can't have my own life.


 

DDDaysh
by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:45 AM
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How long did you and your husband date before getting married/moving in?  

How much did he talk to her about her feelings on the subject before deciding to marry you/live with you?  

She's 15 and her world got turned inside out.  I think the two of them just need to set some time apart to be just together.  Daddy/daughter dates would be a nice idea.  If she's still feeling this way in a few months, they may need to get a therapist involved.  

Also, going from being an only child to having to live with a 13-year-old boy is going to SUCK for her.  There might be stuff going on behind the scenes that you adults haven't seen yet.  Does she feel like maybe he's spying on her.  I'm not trying to paint your son as bad or anything, but a 13-year-old boy who just moved in with a 15-year-old girl who is NOT actually his sister...  well...  there's biology there, and it might be making her uncomfortable even if he's only acting completely normal.  

This girl cannot "dictate" anything about your marriage because she isn't in it, only you and your husband are.  However, the failure of the two people in the marriage to consider the compatibility of the rest of their lives (i.e. their children, along with jobs/habbits, extended family) will definitely impact your marriage.  You guys don't live on an island, you live in the real world, and the real world comes with other relationships and entanglements.  

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with the jlg, 2 months isn't enough time to know how she really feels and she's had big changes in that short time (as all of you have, but her likely the most).  I also agree that she likely does still need time just her and dad.

How big is the place you all live?  She went from 2 people and likely having her own space to 5 people... how are rooms divided and how much personal space (to get away) does she have?  Are your kids in her space? Is she in theirs? 

My own DS15 wants to move... not to BFs (he'd never live with BF/SM) but he just wants to move into his friends house (where the friends mother treats him like a guest, but even SHE has told him, if he moved (not an option) in, he'd then be a 'son' and he wouldn't like her as much (her son agrees! LOL).  ;)  This seems pretty normal for the teen years. 

Let your new DH handle his DD, give them time alone, make time on the weekends when she's at friends to do more things with your DH, then slowly you and he work on including everyone in activities all are interested in, or that are 'family' chores or something.  And, don't go 'so out of your way' to be kind and thoughtful.  Seriously, if you have to go 'out of your way' to be kind and thoughtful to anyone, perhaps you should look inside to see why that's 'out of your way'... most people are kind and thoughtful normally so going 'out of their way' is unnecessary.  Just treat her respectfully but expect some resistence from her for a while (a year or more perhaps) as SHE didn't ask you into her family, her father did, and teens tend to hate change when it's not their idea... ;)  Doesn't make it easier but this doesn't mean anything in 'your' fault either.  If anything, it's her dads fault, not yours.  Also remember, it's not personal, it's not 'you' she doesn't like, it'd be anyone bringing the change into her home life. 

pepper504
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:47 AM

Bolded below is what I went through with my DD16 when DH and I got married.  She LOVED my DH prior to us getting married.  But it was always just her and I.  Had some huge adjustments for her to make and she made it.  They are closer than ever.  It takes time.

Quoting jlg12678:

IMO is in my opinion.

Your marriage is dependand upon you and your dh. While your sd is part of the equation she shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in how you feel or how things work.

Give her time. Two months isn't anything and she's been used to having her dad to herself for three years. That is a huge change.


Quoting kittykarlson:

Hi, what does imo mean?  Yes, a few months is not long enough for anything.  Just scared that things will go from bad to worse.  She cannot even say "thank you" for things i do/give.  Last Wed, just a week ago, we went all out for her b-day.  Just didn't matter.  My feelings and ability to be happily married don't seem to matter.  I know she's just a kid, but I feel like she is in charge of everything.  I hate feeling like I can't have my own life.




jules2boys
by Gold Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 11:49 AM

And, DH = dear husband (sometimes the D stands for other adjectives too. ;) )

SD is Step Daughter

DD is dear daughter

DS is dear son

 

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