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My family is falling apart, need help quick!

Posted by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 2:29 PM
  • 20 Replies

Hello everyone!  A little background might be helpful first.  I have been married to my current husband for just over 6 years.  I have two girls from a previous marriage that ended very badly when my oldest was 2 and I had just found out I was pregnant with my second daughter.  Lets just say he was interested in younger girls and the police were involved.  It was a very traumatic experience for me.  I started dating my current husband when my youngest daughter was about 4 months old.  We moved in together when she was almost two and my oldest was 4.  He was basically the only father figure either of the girls had.  I was very fortunate that he took them in and treats them as if they are his own.  They love him so much!  

My husband also has a daughter from a previous relationship.  She was 7 when I first met her.  She has always come back for the summer and stayed with her dad.  While we were dating she would stay with me during the day because I had in home daycare. She continued to be with us in the summer and every other Christmas.  We had a good relationship. The last 4 years when she has come for her summer visit she would mention that she wanted to stay and live with us.  She lived with her grandmother and mother at the time.  They were totally against it.  This last summer she was 15 and could choose.  So she stayed.  Grandma was extremely upset and still won't speak to her.  Her mother thought it was time for her to be with her dad.  She  stayed and we started our blended family for real, not just summer visitation.  We were all so excited!

Then....real life set in!  She just turned 16, my oldest daughter is 12, youngest daughter 8, and our son together is 5.  The kids began to fight for my husband and I's undivided attention.  The older two had resentments against each other because of past summer experiences.  (They HATE each other)  My step daughter shows special treatment towards her little brother because he is blood and the girls are not.  I try and get interested in the things she likes, we talk, I try and be cool and fun.  I made sure she had new clothes, shoes, and supplies for school.  Made sure she got where she needed to be for activities and time with friends.  I thought I was being a good step mother.  I would get irritated by her constant arguing and begging when I told her no and her insistent need to tease her sisters and boss them around as if she were the mother.  It also irritated me when she ran to her fathers car as he pulled in the drive to greet him so she could monopolize his attention the rest of the evening.  

A couple months ago I started to feel very overwhelmed by my work schedule as a teacher, the kids' schedules and keeping the peace at home.  My husband and I have had some communication problems for a while about basically everything.  We actually separated a year ago due to our lack of communication.  I told him early on that I was feeling stressed and at a loss to stop our dysfunction in the mornings and evenings.  (School hours were the best1  They were away from each other and me!)  I continued on my own dealing with EVERYTHING including our finances, meals and maintaining our home.  I started to have a few drinks at home each night to chill out and then those drinks led to even more drinks.  My moods became irritable and I would lash out in hurtful words to my husband and the kids. One night, while drinking, I tried telling him and he shut down completely.  I felt so alone and scared that I told him I was going to kill myself.  I had nothing left.  I tried leaving and he grabbed me and threw me on the floor.  Another argument shortly after this physical altercation, my step daughter tried entering the conversation and I told her to "SHUT UP!"  My husband slapped me across the face.  I realized the drinking was a problem, but I needed something to feel numb.  We went on like this for a while and then I stopped the drinking.  I realized the pain it was causing.  I continued trying to do everything alone and then I had it!  I confronted my husband for his lack of support, drive for his life, lack of compassion, inability to communicate, his defensive ways, and basically anything else I could think of.  I have so many resentments towards him.  A week or so went by and I read two books about fixing our marriage and I tried being confrontation free.  Then one night I came home and my husband grabbed his daughter and told her all the things I was needing to hear as his wife.  He held her tight and told her he loved her and that he didn't tell her that enough.  He said that everything was going to be fine!  I was pissed!  I don't think I am jealous of her and their relationship because most of the time he ignores her and leaves her upbringing to me.  I guess the words made me jealous.  I told him I was in it for the long haul and was willing to and wanted to get help for our family.  He said he didn't know what he wanted.  I asked him if he wanted to stay married.  He said "NO!"  He and his daughter have been out of the house for a week now.  I am sad, lonely, want help for all of us, but it has also been less stressful and I have to be honest and say I don't know if I can deal with his daughter moving back in without the right support from my husband and a professional.  He has been over and said that he would go to counseling but he does not know if he can handle the fact that he put his hands on me.  He did not want to be that kind of husband and that is what he wants to do when we talk. It makes me sick to think this is what we have become.  I think the whole thing is a lack of communication on everyones part.  We all get defensive and nothing ever gets solved Any advice or do I move on?



by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 2:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Nov. 6, 2013 at 2:34 PM
2 moms liked this

The physical abuse and drinking - you're both wrong, I think you both know that.

But this is what happens when you think changes are going to be great and life will be wonderful and when you're trying to blend famililes instead of understanding that full time is not the same as the fun time of summer or weekends or holidays.  Life can get hard.

If you guys want to end it because no one prepared for the changes, that is on you guys.  That isn't something I would end a marriage over though - the hitting me would have been when we'd have been done.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 2:41 PM
1 mom liked this

I actually read the whole post, and I don't usually read the long ones.

what bothers me most was the part where you seemed to blame yourself for his hitting you (blamed your drinking).

My advice is, move on. You really don't deserve a man who hits you. No one does.

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 2:47 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't think relationships are supposed to be this hard. When you're with the right person, it isn't. Move on.
amonkeymom
by Amy on Nov. 6, 2013 at 3:48 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with whatiknownow, you should never blame yourself for someone else abusing you.  His reaction to your drinking or your words is exactly that.  HIS reaction, not yours and it's on him to learn to react in a different way.

Counseling may help, but it seems to me that things may have gone too far for this marriage to be saved.

kristinbugg
by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 4:14 PM
Physical abuse is NEVER okay. It is not your fault. Your husband had a choice. He chose to physically assault you. Worse, it seems he did it in front of his daughter.

Women choose partners based on what their father did or did not do. Right now, SD is learning that it is appropriate for a man to hit a woman.

You need to make a choice: Stay with an abuser or leave and learn to value yourself more.

Take it from me. My first husband was extremely physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. He didn't start off punching me in the face or kicking me in the head. The abuse started with a slap to the face, when I said something he didn't like.

He's done it once. If you forgive and forget, it will be easier for him to do it again and escalate the violence.
DDDaysh
by on Nov. 6, 2013 at 4:31 PM
2 moms liked this

You've become an alcoholic.  

He's become an abuser.  

I think you both have to fix yourselves before you have any chance of fixing your marriage.  If you're not up for another divorce, then perhaps a long term separation is in order.  

kellynh
by Kelly on Nov. 6, 2013 at 4:47 PM
1 mom liked this

You need professional counceling. Abuse in an form is not okay. You are excusing a physical abuse because you were drunk and yelled. There is less then a 5% success rate of someone who uses physical abuse to not lay their hands on you again. 

Done, over!!

You need counceling... Not both of you, not family... YOU. Get off the damn Internet and call someone now!! 

Then get back on cafemom and join the DV board

kellynh
by Kelly on Nov. 6, 2013 at 4:49 PM

You'll need to copy and paste

http://www.cafemom.com/group/758


You need professional counceling. Abuse in an form is not okay. You are excusing a physical abuse because you were drunk and yelled. There is less then a 5% success rate of someone who uses physical abuse to not lay their hands on you again. 

Done, over!!

You need counceling... Not both of you, not family... YOU. Get off the damn Internet and call someone now!! 

Then get back on cafemom and join the DV board


faerie75
by Platinum Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 6:44 PM

 this marriage sounds like a train wreck.

you resent his kid because HE wasnt doing his part in raising her.

you were problem drinking and he becamse abusive. his kids (and possibly yours) saw.

i think you could try therapy if both of you wnat it but i think you should stay living apart for a period of time. a long one.

 
        
         

Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Nov. 6, 2013 at 7:24 PM

You are letting the issues with SD, communication, and blending your families keep you from thinking clearly about continuing in your marriage when actually there is only one issue to consider"    Your Husband Hit You! That is never right.   That is a deal breaker.   No amount of marriage counseling can change that fact or erase that memory.    I would have ended the marriage the minute that happened.   You deserve better.   No woman deserves to be physically abused.    If it happened once, it is likely to happen again.  

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