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jealous 12 yr old step daughter... need advice!!!

Posted by on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:23 PM
  • 71 Replies
1 mom liked this
My husband and i have a blended family. He has "his girls" as he calls them.. I have 2 boys and a girl. And we have an "our baby" who is just 10 weeks (girl). We have only been married for 10months.. And have been to several marriage counseling sessions, due to our different views on parenting.

His girls are older, 12 & 9. Mine are younger 8, 5, & 3.

Recently more than ever, the 12 yr old, who is in 7th grade, will fight for my husbands attention. To the extremes of cuddling with him on the couch, holding his hand and kissing him in public, to having him sit in between her and her sister who is 9.

I feel like i have to fight for my husbands attention at times. We have his girls 50/50. And now they have been coming extra... They dont go to bed on time. And i feel like i have no alone time with my husband..

My husband has noticed his 12 yr olds obsession with his attention and will say, okay get up im sitting by erin now... And she throws a fit... Im really getting annoyed by this and dont know how to overcome this.....

She has also lied about things ive said or did to pin her dad against me so we will fight and he has left in the past, for a week at times... She then gets him all to herself.. Also find it odd that she wants her dad to sleep in her bed with him....
by on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:23 PM
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:26 PM
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You have alone time with your husband during the 50% of the time his DD is with her mom. When she's at Dad's house, let her sit with Dad.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:27 PM
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Do you suspect incest?


Quoting 3141984:

 Also find it odd that she wants her dad to sleep in her bed with him....



jules2boys
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:27 PM
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How long did you and DH date prior to marrying?  Did you discuss raising your children together prior to marriage?  What was discussed about differences at that time?  Are the 'changes' in the 12yo around thetime the baby arrived or was she always like this and you're just now noticing?  Has your DH slept with his girls prior to you marrying him or is this something new too? 

amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:28 PM
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This


Quoting whatIknownow:

You have alone time with your husband during the 50% of the time his DD is with her mom. When she's at Dad's house, let her sit with Dad.


packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:36 PM
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His kids don't get his attention as much as you do.  They see him half the amount of time you do.  

Both of my kids have been known to fight over who sits next to me.  I just tell them I have two sides and each can sit on one side.  My husband and I have my kids 100% of the time and we make things work so that we have time together.  

3141984
by on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:37 PM
I understand that she misses him. And i noticed it getting worse when i stopped caring about who sat where, and my husband started saying, okay this is obsessive im neglecting my wife. I need to put my wife first, kids second.
When she realized it was my husband wanting it,is when it got worse.

We dated for about 2 yrs before marriage.

He still refers to his kids as "my girls" feel like we're two separate families when his girls are here.. Which has been a lot more than 50/50 latley. I wish i could somehow be able to say to him, you have 4 girls and two boys. These are OUR kids. All 6...
jlg12678
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:46 PM
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I think it's normal for older girls to feel competitive with their new stepmom. I think women in general are more territorial.

My osd was like that at first. And no, she wasn't being molested by anyone. She had a hard time sharing my dh's attention.

If she went overboard, my dh would say something. If I was sitting next to him on the couch and she tried to sit in between us he'd say "osd, I am sitting by jlg.  You are welcome to sit on my other side" or she'd try at times to hold his hand...the one he was using to hold mine...when we were walking. Again, he'd say "osd, I have two hands..."

The relationship between father and child is obviously different than husband and wife. Your dh needs to make sure that his kids know he loves them. Maybe he needs to schedule some time with just them. He also needs to balance that with his relationship with you. One side shouldn't trump the other regarding attention.

If he ends up handling it correctly things should change. Once my osd realized that dad still loved her and I wasn't going anywhere the over the top affection scaled back and she started acting like her normal self again.

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:48 PM
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Regarding wanting dad to sleep with her...

My son is ten. He asks me every night to lay down with him when I put him to bed. Why? Because he likes sleeping next to me and still likes to cuddle.

There is nothing weird about it, nor is anything inappropriate going on.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:48 PM
2 moms liked this



Quoting 3141984:

I understand that she misses him. And i noticed it getting worse when i stopped caring about who sat where, and my husband started saying, okay this is obsessive im neglecting my wife. I need to put my wife first, kids second.
When she realized it was my husband wanting it,is when it got worse.

We dated for about 2 yrs before marriage.

He still refers to his kids as "my girls" feel like we're two separate families when his girls are here.. Which has been a lot more than 50/50 latley. I wish i could somehow be able to say to him, you have 4 girls and two boys. These are OUR kids. All 6...

There is no need to put kids second. Or first.  No one should be first at all times.  Everyone is equally important.  

The kid probably already feels second to you because she sees her dad less than you do and now you and dad are complaining that you don't get even more time with him even though you spend two weeks a month without his children around your house.  

You need dad's attention as a husband, she sounds like she needs a little more time with her father.  12 is a precarious age - I have a girl that is 12.  It isn't easy to be 12 or have a 12 year old.  Sometimes they need more one on one time than they get with a parent, especially in divorced situations.  You get your one on one time, tell dad his kids need him just like you do and he needs to figure something out before he risks the kid just saying screw it and not wanting to come around when she's being told that the woman her dad met two years ago (or so I think you said) is first and kids are second instead of trying to make it equal.

That kind of thing does bother children who don't see their parent as often as those kids who don't have to worry about spliting time between parents sometimes.  

My kids SM used to complain about the same thing.  My kids would tell me dad couldn't cuddle because SM thought they were too old and he'd just listen to her.  They'd go on dates on his weekends and leave my kids with her kids (who weren't that old either - 11 or so at the time).  No matter what was going on she had to be there, he wouldn't spend time alone with our kids.

Now, they haven't seen him in months, he divorced her years ago, and they opted to stop going over there a year before he divorced her. There were other factors - but they revolved around him putting her first at the expense of our kids (her kid threatened our kid with death and she defended her kid and he defended her kid as well as well as his wife for doing nothing about it  and blamed ours for it)... while others don't usually have to deal with something like that, the point remains - no one can be first all the time.


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 2:53 PM
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That's just weird.  You've been married 10 months. His kids are not your kids. I doubt very much they consider you "theirs." Maybe you'd have fewer problems if you respected how your DH and his kids felt.

Quoting 3141984:


He still refers to his kids as "my girls" feel like we're two separate families when his girls are here.. Which has been a lot more than 50/50 latley. I wish i could somehow be able to say to him, you have 4 girls and two boys. These are OUR kids. All 6...



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