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Vent with son advise

Posted by on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:58 PM
  • 10 Replies
So my dh has an 11 year old girl I have a 5 and 7 year old boys. My son is really hyper a lot and its very hard to deal with. So my sd is always yelling and freeking out over every thing he dose EVERY little thing it makes me so mad my dh dosent care and thinks she should be allowed to I'm tierd of it it makes me very mad, my dh complains and yells at my son a lot, my son is going threw a lot the past 2 years we went from being the oldest child with a chill mom who didn't freek out on him all the time for every little thing to being in a house that is run buy a drill Sargent and there father passed away a year ago so since then his ADHD has gotten worse. What do I do I'm lost on what to do how do I get my son to stay calm and learn to chill when she dose the same thing.
by on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 5:11 PM
YOUR son should be important to you. Why you live with people who constantly yell at him?
He lost his dad, he has a step father yelling at him, stepsister bossing him around, I am not surprised he is acting out.
You should sit with your H and SD and explain to them: "he is not acting out and hyper because he is want to. He is doing it because he has ADHD"
Do they know what ADHD is?
Maybe take to specialist to talk and explain to them.
If your family situation is making his symptoms worse why to stay in such environment?
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WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 5:26 PM
1 mom liked this

I would tell DH to back the hell off and have him get his daughter do the same.

kristinbugg
by on Nov. 7, 2013 at 5:31 PM
This is perfect advice.

Your son is going through a lot of changes. Having people who are ALWAYS on his case certainly won't help matters.


Quoting annabl1970:

YOUR son should be important to you. Why you live with people who constantly yell at him?

He lost his dad, he has a step father yelling at him, stepsister bossing him around, I am not surprised he is acting out.

You should sit with your H and SD and explain to them: "he is not acting out and hyper because he is want to. He is doing it because he has ADHD"

Do they know what ADHD is?

Maybe take to specialist to talk and explain to them.

If your family situation is making his symptoms worse why to stay in such environment?

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 6:09 PM

is your son on medication to manage his ADHD symptoms? Is he in therapy to help manage his ADHD symptoms?

I have an ADHD kiddo (she actually has ADHD, SPD, anxiety, and possible ASD), and it's a LOT of work to help her manage her ADHD symptoms. She'll be 7 next month. She takes medication to help with the hyperactivity and impulsiveness and she's in occupational therapy to help with self control and to help manage her sensory issues.

I wouldn't stand for anyone to be mean to her or yell at her all the time. 

Pero3
by Silver Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 6:29 PM
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My brother has an ADHD step-son ... my family (and that includes me) choses not to be around the child, because his behaviour is extremely stressful on us.

Whilst I truly understand your predicament ... try to also understand the other side ... and assess the situation realistically. Your DH obviously can't cope with your DS ... why would you expect his DD to?

There are people who can cope, there are people who can't. You, as the mother, have to ensure you only expose your kid to people who can.

jules2boys
by Silver Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 6:41 PM

How long has this situation been going on? Where you married to BF when he died so your boys have, in the last year, suffered the loss of their BF as well as gaining a new SF and an older StepSister and changed homes too?  How often did they see their dad (and possibly have an escape from the yelling in your home) if you've been with DH longer than your childrens BF passing?  How do you treat your SD?  Do you yell at her as well?  Can you communicate with your DH and explain your childs issues, if he's still unaware of them, and get him to go to your son's dr. who diagnosed the ADHD and explain what sets him off and what behavior from the ADULTS in his life may actually HELP him? Or does your DH enjoy setting your son off?  (sadistically)  Your SD11 has learned her behavior from her father, so I can't fault her at all in this.  She's learned the behavior and it's reinforced as appropriate by him too.  How should she know any better? 

Your son will likely never 'stay calm and learn to chill' living with your DH and your SD, not until you get HIM (DH) to behave like an adult, an understanding and loving adult, towards your son, and he shows his DD how to do the same. 

Is your DS in counseling for all of his issues?  If not, he should be TODAY!  If he is, talk to the counselor and see what suggestions they have to offer ALL of you.  Your son won't be able to learn to control himself until those older than him in his home learn as well. 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 7:19 PM
My step son has add/pos. he started medication and therapy when he was 6 and it's been a long road but he is so much better--he is 12 now. He is still high maintenance and we have yo keep on him.

Your son may need therapy, you may benefit form parenting classes for add kids (we did) and group therapy and I suggest looking into medication. Is he getting assistance at school?

Your son needs your attention to learn to get along with others.
liza-mae
by New Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 7:30 PM
He has just started counselling and dh has gone to an apt and it really helped a lot he Lisens to them and truly try's to apply the new rules they are getting us to try out

Quoting jules2boys:

How long has this situation been going on? Where you married to BF when he died so your boys have, in the last year, suffered the loss of their BF as well as gaining a new SF and an older StepSister and changed homes too?  How often did they see their dad (and possibly have an escape from the yelling in your home) if you've been with DH longer than your childrens BF passing?  How do you treat your SD?  Do you yell at her as well?  Can you communicate with your DH and explain your childs issues, if he's still unaware of them, and get him to go to your son's dr. who diagnosed the ADHD and explain what sets him off and what behavior from the ADULTS in his life may actually HELP him? Or does your DH enjoy setting your son off?  (sadistically)  Your SD11 has learned her behavior from her father, so I can't fault her at all in this.  She's learned the behavior and it's reinforced as appropriate by him too.  How should she know any better? 

Your son will likely never 'stay calm and learn to chill' living with your DH and your SD, not until you get HIM (DH) to behave like an adult, an understanding and loving adult, towards your son, and he shows his DD how to do the same. 

Is your DS in counseling for all of his issues?  If not, he should be TODAY!  If he is, talk to the counselor and see what suggestions they have to offer ALL of you.  Your son won't be able to learn to control himself until those older than him in his home learn as well. 

liza-mae
by New Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 7:31 PM
He has just started counselling and dh has gone to an apt and it really helped a lot he Lisens to them and truly try's to apply the new rules they are getting us to try out

Quoting jules2boys:

How long has this situation been going on? Where you married to BF when he died so your boys have, in the last year, suffered the loss of their BF as well as gaining a new SF and an older StepSister and changed homes too?  How often did they see their dad (and possibly have an escape from the yelling in your home) if you've been with DH longer than your childrens BF passing?  How do you treat your SD?  Do you yell at her as well?  Can you communicate with your DH and explain your childs issues, if he's still unaware of them, and get him to go to your son's dr. who diagnosed the ADHD and explain what sets him off and what behavior from the ADULTS in his life may actually HELP him? Or does your DH enjoy setting your son off?  (sadistically)  Your SD11 has learned her behavior from her father, so I can't fault her at all in this.  She's learned the behavior and it's reinforced as appropriate by him too.  How should she know any better? 

Your son will likely never 'stay calm and learn to chill' living with your DH and your SD, not until you get HIM (DH) to behave like an adult, an understanding and loving adult, towards your son, and he shows his DD how to do the same. 

Is your DS in counseling for all of his issues?  If not, he should be TODAY!  If he is, talk to the counselor and see what suggestions they have to offer ALL of you.  Your son won't be able to learn to control himself until those older than him in his home learn as well. 

DDDaysh
by on Nov. 8, 2013 at 4:37 PM

In my opnion, you need to find a way to have the two children have their own space a good deal of the time, and not really be together very much.  You're expecting ALOT out of an 11-year-old girl to be able to tolerate a severely ADHD step-sibling without lashing out.  Things that might not bug you probably bug her to no end, and she's 11, she doesn't have the emotional maturity yet to learn how to let things go.  They are both going to need space away from eachother. 

I think including your DH in the therapy sessions is very important.  I know in my son's ADHD therapy, a bit part of it was to train me in how to ask things, phrase things, and follow thru with things in ways that specifically worked for my son.  Modifying the way I did things with him really helped, as did learning my son's specific non-verbal cues that let me into his head.  If your DH feels more empowered to interact with your son in a positive way, there will probably be less yelling. 

I have to ask though, how long have you and your DH been together?  How did he treat your child before you got married? 

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