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am i doing something wrong? what can i do to fix this?

Posted by on Nov. 8, 2013 at 3:57 PM
  • 9 Replies
Okay so sd isn't here as much as she used to be but next week will be coming over every day.
Well when she is here we all have fun. I try to make sd feel special and sometimes let her stay up late and watch tv with us without the other kids. She is only 5 so i can see where she is coming from.
Well i spend time with each kid so no ones feels left out. But when i even just talk to my ds sd starts crying saying i don't like her. When i tell her i love her all the time. I spend time withher and all of them. Like if i talk to ds for one minute sd gets very upset.

What am i doi g wrong? Should i ignore it or just keep telli g her that i do love her. I'm not going to ignore my son well she is here. That isn't fair to him. So anyone have advice on this and why she may be doing it?
We have a great relationship too and i love her and she says she loves me. So i just wish i could tell my 2 year old dd that she did a good job without sd crying even thougj i tell sd all the time she does a good job.
Please help.
by on Nov. 8, 2013 at 3:57 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Leigh84
by Silver Member on Nov. 8, 2013 at 4:18 PM
1 mom liked this
I think just keep doing what you're doing and reassure her that she is loved. You're right, you can't just ignore your son either.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Nov. 8, 2013 at 4:24 PM

I don't really know the solution to the problem - but here's an idea you can try. Maybe make SD more 'invested" in her baby brother.  Tell her what a good big sister she is, and how much her little brother loves her. Have her do things for him (like carry a snack to him, for example, or fetch something for him).  just an idea.

Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Nov. 8, 2013 at 4:29 PM
Oops maybe i worded that wrong. I have two kids and sd. My son 4 and daughter 2. She really never wants to be around my 2 year old. Her and my son play very good together. I can spend time with sd..but the minute i pay attention to my son is when she gets upset. With my 2 year old sd doesn't get upset as much when i pay attention to her. She did earlier when my 2 yo sat on her potty and i told her good job.

I know sd feels left out..and it breaks my heart but i already feel i am giving her enough attention and love..maybe even more when she is here. It breaks my heart when she tells my son to ask me why i don't like her. That only happens when like i said, talk to ds or something. Other than that she is happy and has alot of fun. Begs to stay with us kind of.fun. lol


Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't really know the solution to the problem - but here's an idea you can try. Maybe make SD more 'invested" in her baby brother.  Tell her what a good big sister she is, and how much her little brother loves her. Have her do things for him (like carry a snack to him, for example, or fetch something for him).  just an idea.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Nov. 8, 2013 at 5:09 PM

Maybe ask her why she thinks you don't love her when she claims you don't?  Maybe she's using the word 'love' for another feeling she has?  Is she an only child at BMs home? 

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Nov. 8, 2013 at 5:56 PM
Honestly, I think you're spoiling her.
Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Nov. 8, 2013 at 6:11 PM
Yes she is an only child at bms house. She is also glued to dh when he is home. So i feel she just wants all the attention like at moms but wecan't do that all the time. It wouldn't be fair.
She also has a hard time with losing..or not being the best i should say. Dh just had to tell her that no one is perfect even daddy isn't perfect because she was saying she never makes a mess and is alwats good.

I guess she is a good kid. I just wish she didn't feel this way. I want to teach her that things are not always going to be fair..or about her. I just don't know how.

For a long time and still..everyone does spoil her. I'm guilty too but before i came around and moved in. So maybe that could be a part of it. I don't know..i know if i try to talk to her it will probably make her cry. Maybe dh will talk to her instead.


Quoting jules2boys:

Maybe ask her why she thinks you don't love her when she claims you don't?  Maybe she's using the word 'love' for another feeling she has?  Is she an only child at BMs home? 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Nov. 8, 2013 at 6:57 PM

She's 5 and it's HARD to be the only child in one home and 'suddenly' know how to be a sibling in another home.  Even if her schedule is the same each week, it's still HARD to do. 

ODS is now 15, YDS is now 11.  They have 2 sisters at BF/SMs home, 3 and 5 (or maybe 6 now?  Probably 6).  ODS barely goes to BF/SMs home anymore. YDS goes probably 35 - 40 times a year (once per week overnight, otherwise he sees BF as xMILs home, who lives near me).  Poor kid... at my home he's the youngest (I won't say baby, I don't baby him, no one does) and he's with me at least 85% of the time.  At my home he doesn't have to 'watch himself' because he IS the youngest.  At BF/SMs home, he's either the oldest (much of the time) or the middle child (occasionally, only when ODS goes over too, maybe 8 times a year or so?).  Each time he walks in, he has to figure out what 'role' he's to play and how to do it for a short period of time (only 1 overnight at a time).  He's been blamed for 'not watching his little sister(s)' and them breaking something.  He's been blamed for 'correcting his little sister(s)' if he does try to keep them from breaking something. He's constantly told 'he should know better' in that house, simply because he's 11.  Yet, he's also treated like he can't have any more 'freedom' than the 5/6 year old girl.  I 'get' it, from both sides I 'get' it.  First, 85% of the time he doesn't have to watch out for anyone younger than him (in what he says, does, watches on TV or a video game, or even the cover of a book he's reading (loves SciFi and Horror books right now).  But, 15% of the time, he does have to 'watch' and he doesn't always remember to do so.  I also get BF/SM. First, he's older than their oldest together, so he 'should' know some things, but, in his normal home (mine) he doesn't have to do these things.  I also get BF/SM and they 'forget' that he IS 11 years old and he IS raised (by me) to be independent and not always under my thumb.  He's an amazing kid and they miss so much of it because they're trying to 'undo' what I've taught him in their very short time with him.  (why I don't know but it's not my business to know I suppose). He is VERY frustrated there.  He's been going there since he was 1 so this isn't 'new' to him though.  I can remember his other frustrations when he was younger, and didn't have the means to verbalize why he was frustrated.  BF/SM treated him like a baby (as well as ODS) for years beyond where they should, because, they were truly 'part time parents' and didn't believe in letting a child explore their environment.  (BF wouldn't let the boys swing or slide at a playground, he had to "hold onto them" the entire time because they might fall!  When I took them, I let them run and play and swing and fall and figure it out on their own). There's more, but this is long enough. :)

I shared this because, I wonder if something similar is going on with SD5.  In ONE home she's the only child. She has no need to share anything (her attention, her toys, someone's love, etc.).  In ANOTHER home she must share new people with 2 other kids.  Is she in school at age 5?  If so, how does she do with sharing the teacher and her attention?  Does she get jealous of other kids? 

Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Nov. 9, 2013 at 8:50 AM
This is what i think it might be. I have been in sd's life from when she was 2. It took a very long time for everyone to adjust..but she was the hardest. I do think she is happy and loves to come over here. Her and ds used to just fight all the time. Now they play almost the entire time she is here.
I know it is hard for her to go from only child to sharing with 2 other kids. I have always known this is a big reason of why she gets upset. I think she is a lot better than 2 years ago that is for sure.
She is in school. I don't really know much about her in school becaise they live an hour away. We went to eow to eowe and now next week i will be picking her up every day from school because they are movong to our town.

I do know about when sd first started school bm called dh because sd got into a fight. She scratched and slapped another girl. I don't know who started it and why i just know it happend.
So i know she has a hard time sharing and she always has. She doesn't like the other kids to play with her toys and thats fine because we understand why.

It really is something i'm going to have to figure out. I don't want to ignore my son but i don't want her to be upset about it. She really only started this when she started school and didn't come over as much. She has moved alot and so i can understand how she feels. I guess the only thing i can do is keep telling her i do love her.

Thank you.


Quoting jules2boys:

She's 5 and it's HARD to be the only child in one home and 'suddenly' know how to be a sibling in another home.  Even if her schedule is the same each week, it's still HARD to do. 

ODS is now 15, YDS is now 11.  They have 2 sisters at BF/SMs home, 3 and 5 (or maybe 6 now?  Probably 6).  ODS barely goes to BF/SMs home anymore. YDS goes probably 35 - 40 times a year (once per week overnight, otherwise he sees BF as xMILs home, who lives near me).  Poor kid... at my home he's the youngest (I won't say baby, I don't baby him, no one does) and he's with me at least 85% of the time.  At my home he doesn't have to 'watch himself' because he IS the youngest.  At BF/SMs home, he's either the oldest (much of the time) or the middle child (occasionally, only when ODS goes over too, maybe 8 times a year or so?).  Each time he walks in, he has to figure out what 'role' he's to play and how to do it for a short period of time (only 1 overnight at a time).  He's been blamed for 'not watching his little sister(s)' and them breaking something.  He's been blamed for 'correcting his little sister(s)' if he does try to keep them from breaking something. He's constantly told 'he should know better' in that house, simply because he's 11.  Yet, he's also treated like he can't have any more 'freedom' than the 5/6 year old girl.  I 'get' it, from both sides I 'get' it.  First, 85% of the time he doesn't have to watch out for anyone younger than him (in what he says, does, watches on TV or a video game, or even the cover of a book he's reading (loves SciFi and Horror books right now).  But, 15% of the time, he does have to 'watch' and he doesn't always remember to do so.  I also get BF/SM. First, he's older than their oldest together, so he 'should' know some things, but, in his normal home (mine) he doesn't have to do these things.  I also get BF/SM and they 'forget' that he IS 11 years old and he IS raised (by me) to be independent and not always under my thumb.  He's an amazing kid and they miss so much of it because they're trying to 'undo' what I've taught him in their very short time with him.  (why I don't know but it's not my business to know I suppose). He is VERY frustrated there.  He's been going there since he was 1 so this isn't 'new' to him though.  I can remember his other frustrations when he was younger, and didn't have the means to verbalize why he was frustrated.  BF/SM treated him like a baby (as well as ODS) for years beyond where they should, because, they were truly 'part time parents' and didn't believe in letting a child explore their environment.  (BF wouldn't let the boys swing or slide at a playground, he had to "hold onto them" the entire time because they might fall!  When I took them, I let them run and play and swing and fall and figure it out on their own). There's more, but this is long enough. :)

I shared this because, I wonder if something similar is going on with SD5.  In ONE home she's the only child. She has no need to share anything (her attention, her toys, someone's love, etc.).  In ANOTHER home she must share new people with 2 other kids.  Is she in school at age 5?  If so, how does she do with sharing the teacher and her attention?  Does she get jealous of other kids? 

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 9:02 PM
Agreed she is just used to being an only child and at your house needs to split your time. I think you are doing fine. As she gets older it will get better.
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