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How do you split the expenses?

Posted by on Nov. 9, 2013 at 12:15 PM
  • 30 Replies
1 mom liked this

Sorry this is long, I'm so stressed from this and bad week at work. We got married in 2012 and combined accounts. I'm constantly pissed (but I don't tell DH) at how he spends money on his kids (18 years old and up) and expects nothing in return from them or any help from BM.

For instance, last night we got $100 check in the mail from when SS was in high school and it was a refund of some sort from a class made out to him. We had paid the original amount to the school and when he completed the course they refund it. DH is giving it to SS. We just bought him a new laptop last week and a new bike a month before, which promptly got stolen at college.  SS totaled his car so now DH is buying him another so he won't be on campus without one. He's only 40 miles away so I don't think he had to have a car to sit in the lot all week, but DH seems too. SS chose not to take his work-study grant at school where he could earn some money while there, and we are paying for everything he didn't qualify for on FAFSA. DH didn't say a word about SS ignoring the work-study grant.

That $100 check will be EXTRA for SS, not part of his weekly spending money and gas money DH gives him either. I think it would have been nice for DH to say "I need you to endorse this check and we will put it towards your new laptop from last week."

Everything for my daughter I pay out of her child support except for the utilites she uses, groceries, and if we eat out with DH. I even use it for gas money to take her to and from school. I also use it for her Christmas presents. My paycheck goes in with DH on all our expenses and his kids.

Am I awful here, or does some of this make sense? It's just we pay for everything SS asks for and BM doesn't pay for anything.  DH puts tuition, laptop, bike, whatever on a credit card and now DH is wanting me to use my inheritance money to pay it off, saying it will save us interest. We also pay his other son's cell phone and he is 23. I haven't told him yet, but I'm just not going to spend my inheritance on his son's college even though I love DH, I have 2 kids too and one that will be going to college in a couple years.  He is a great husband to me, and everything is wonderful except for my having to manage our finances and feeling like he is willing to use my money, or put us in debt so his kids don't have to step up to the plate yet and contribute. And because he won't ask BM to chip in for anything. She just gets to work her job, buy the clothes and car  for herself she wants, and I work and help support her half of their kids.

Is it possible at this point to separate our finances, and would it help me let go of this resentment? How do you even split them? Do I pay half of the utilities and then just my share of car insurance and cell phones?

by on Nov. 9, 2013 at 12:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 12:43 PM
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Split them and open an account specifically for shared expenses. Then you can have mine, yours and our money.
LaughCryLive
by Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 1:00 PM



Quoting SassyMom25:

Split them and open an account specifically for shared expenses. Then you can have mine, yours and our money.

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 2:13 PM

Does anything your daughter needs come from your account or the expense account? Like, SS laptop, would that come from expense account or from DH's money? My cell phone is $45 but overall bill is 170.00 for his family add ons. I'd be happy with $90 tv bill but he wants add ons to make $170. So I feel like there isn't much left over from joint account for me to have my own account anyway. If I bring it up he just gets mad and says fine, we will drop the tv to basic, or some drama like that. He tells me to buy whatever I want for myself, but really there isn't any personal money left over for me and I'm the one worrying about it and keeping the books. I honestly don't think I could quit looking at the balances and worrying about it. I just don't want to fight. Maybe I just have to face it and him, and show him the money so to speak.

Quoting chanizen:

Dh and I have a joint account and personal accounts. We each get a certain amount per month.

I save. He spends. I buy dd and myself nice stuff. He buys candy and pizza. We are both happy, generally.


Rudymiss
by Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 3:12 PM
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     Okay, Without guess you need to put all your money in a just for you.   It seems that your husband has a really good thing going on with a joint bank account with you.   Don't let him give you the BS about being married and sharing because that is not right for you to put your pay check in there and he can do what ever he wants to do with his money.   He has a darn good thing going on and he knows it.  He is useing you!!!!!!!!   Stand up and get an account for just you, then give him the money he needs for the bills and such.   Don't let him treat you like that......Men hate it when they have to ask a women for money of any can for what ever.  He will be mad but because you stop his good thing.

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Nov. 9, 2013 at 5:22 PM

We split expenses in this house by whoever can pay for it at the time.  

We work together on the big expenses.  

I didn't marry a man with kids and so I'll never be torn on how to split between his and hers.

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 5:46 PM
1 mom liked this
Separate your money. Asap.

Each of you can pay half the mortgage, utilities, grocery bill, etc. Household bills. Each of you pay for your own car and insurance, credit cards, etc.

Laptops and cars for kids? You each pay for your own.

And do NOT use your inheritance to pay for his credit card bill.

Do you have any actual joint accounts or credit cards?
NTMBeth
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 6:08 PM

I think he is taking advantage and not thinking through his decisions. Maybe he wants too badly to be the "good guy" and is overcompensating with SS?

At any rate, I wouldn't suggest jumping to create new accounts. In my opionion, you just need a frank and direct talk with your DH. Then if you cannot reach a mutual decision... get separate accounts.

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 6:46 PM

You are EXACTLY right. He definitely wants to be the good guy and thinks giving his kids whatever they want or need equates to love. BM preached what a bad guy he was and this is him trying to compensate and change that. He does that with me and my daughter too, it's just that we really can't afford it. I'm going to have the talk and show him what is happening. It won't change how he treats his boys but he might cut back on his own "stuff" 

Quoting NTMBeth:

I think he is taking advantage and not thinking through his decisions. Maybe he wants too badly to be the "good guy" and is overcompensating with SS?

At any rate, I wouldn't suggest jumping to create new accounts. In my opionion, you just need a frank and direct talk with your DH. Then if you cannot reach a mutual decision... get separate accounts.


Bonnie2HisCLYDE
by on Nov. 9, 2013 at 6:52 PM
We split everything right down the middle
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mom2boys664
by Bronze Member on Nov. 9, 2013 at 7:31 PM

We combine everything, and honestly I would have a big problem if he didn't want to do that.  I feel like when you are married it is about common goals and compromises. I send money to my stepsons from my first marriage, I send money to my friend that is on disability and has trouble making ends meet. I think you need to talk about the issues you are concerned about, not back out of joint finanes.

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